Jammill Khursheed
Smell your own dam finger
- Joined
- Feb 27, 2012
- Messages
- 146
Following advice from the first critique, I've cut a HELL of a lot of superfluous words and descriptions, so much so that I can put the second scene of the first chapter up as well...
I've cut a lot from the second scene already, just by following the same advice for the first scene, but I'm thinking that even though I have cut a lot, its still a bit too info-heavy...
As always, I've moderated live-action writing groups before and I know you don't learn anything from people being nice, so be as truthful as you feel you need to be...
Thanks in advance for your help...
Jammill
Chapter I.
Izyack Royal Academy, Kaissell
22.11.1487bng (Before the New Galactic)
Haemon Krall paced uncomfortably up and down the overly-luxurious room, keeping his eyes fixed on the intimidatingly large window. He was terrified of what lay outside. Of the Dark Soul. This whole universe was.
Though Kaissell was a moon it was the Izyack homeworld, where his current host’s ancestors had lived as slaves. Emperor Feiyen had told him that the Izyack were set free over six million years ago. The vast planet Kaissell orbited was terraformed into a new home for them, and the Dark Soul brought an end to their own empire, returning to a more simple life here. The Royal Academy, and the Royal Tomb nearby, were the only two places on the moon outsiders were allowed now.
Straying from these areas, into the dense jungle beyond, would mean death. No one except the ruling house of the Empire were permitted to see the face of a Dark Soul and live. The Izyack used this to their advantage by setting the Academy here. It was where the ruling class of the universe could safely send their children to school, to be taught by the best teachers from across the Congress, protected by a living, breathing ghost story. His own daughter had been here for the past five years, since the first of his people had travelled amongst the stars and he was appointed ambassador to House Feiyen.
Through the window Krall noticed a flash of darkness, a child-like cry accompanying a rustling in the undergrowth. One of the unseen Dark Soul had found its prey. They had populated their jungles with strange, limbless, reptile-like, creatures. Krall knew they were self-aware, that the Dark Soul only ever ate sentient life forms. If it weren’t for these creatures, they would be hunting each other. With prey that screamed like a baby, and a history of being bred as much for food as labour, it was no wonder the Izyack were vegetarian.
Krall was distracted by a chime at the entrance to his room, but he didn’t take his eyes away from the window.
“Door.” Krall called out. He knew Feiyen’s nameless attendant was stood in the doorway, and wouldn’t come in until told. But Krall couldn’t stop watching.
“I wouldn’t have opened it if I didn’t want you to come in.” Krall added, the attendant finally walking in and waiting patiently behind him. Outside, with another flash of darkness the leaves became still once more, a half eaten carcass now seen on the floor.
“Emperor Feiyen says that he is ready for you Ambassador.” Without even looking Krall knew she would have her head lowered in reverence.
“Good.” Krall responded as he turned to face the attendant. As she slowly raised her head Krall made eye contact, then allowed her to lead him out of the room, with only a cursory glance back at the darkness he hadn’t even seen.
Krall was disappointed by the scarcity of ‘aliens’ as he entered the auditorium. Most of them looked no different to him, his fellow Derived Races. The large, black, pupil-less eyes of the Ferrend, and the external gills of the Laquiss were barely noticeable behind shaded glasses and shirts respectively. The Axon and Tarvell however had no distinguishing features, from each other or the Neabon. It was only the Izyack, the fifth of the Derived Races currently in the Universal Congress, that differed from the others.
Although their numbers were lower, the alieness of the Evolved Races didn’t disappoint. He could see the red and orange equine bodies of Schaylon all around, one race representing two separate nation-states. The red ones were from Schayluss, the sixth member of the Congress, while the orange ones were from the Greater Schaylon Empire, the only other faction in this sector of the universe, and the Congress’ ally.
All the other Evolved Races here, the eight foot mounds of muscle and hair that were the Yollen, the hard-shelled humanoid form of the Tooken, and the blank faces and slender silicone limbs of the Shockrell, were citizens of the Schaylon ruled G.S.E.
The five Derived Races and the citizens of Schayluss were only six of the eight members of the Congress. The other two were not represented here, the Harggen and the Beilon. The Harggen, neither Evolved or Derived, were descended from Izyack and Tarvell cross-breeding and had no need of a Royal Academy, being the only true democracy in the universe.
The Beilon were on the brink of extinction, and he’d never seen one in person. There were said to be less than a hundred left, the last of their soul being nursed to their grave by thousands upon thousands of sentient robots on their homeworld. Beilon lived long lives though, the youngest of the survivors had at least another couple of thousand years.
Emperor Feiyen entered the room and immediately made his way towards Krall. Like all Izyack, the Emperor had thick green-brown skin, and the main distinguishing feature of his race, the cutter. It lay in the middle of Feiyen’s forehead, four bony digits forming an ‘X’. The rest of the universe didn’t know what it was for, but many postulated it had something to do with their breeding rituals.
“Emperor.” Krall said, bowing his head.
“Haemon.” Feiyen responded. Krall filled with pride every time he heard that word from the mouth of an alien Emperor. He had endured much to earn the position of Haemon, now he was getting the rewards. “We’ll talk after the performance old friend.”
As the two of them took their seats, Krall remembered back to their first meeting. It had been almost twenty years since a young Krall had met Feiyen, the Emperor himself being first Izyack to land on Neabuerkauss for talks with their Haemons, proving that the Neabon were not alone in this universe.
It had been twenty years without the destruction and pillaging they had feared. Twenty years in which the Izyack had been preparing them for life in the universal community with gifts of technology, science and medicine. The Neabonn were now starting to colonise other worlds in their home system with Izyack ships. Their doctors had all but eradicated most diseases, and it had been the greatest twenty years in Neabon history.
In another ten, they would be ready to join the Congress. Then they would repay the Izyack for their help, by voting alongside the Ferrend and Laquiss to hand them control of the group, installing the deserved rulers of the universe to power. Currently the Tarvell ruled the Congress with the support of the Beilon and Harggen, Axon and Schayluss remaining neutral.
The last of the lights died down, Krall able to glimpse the deep black eyes of the Ferrend as the protective glasses were removed now it was darker. Two figures walked onto the stage, Krall’s daughter Taten and Zan’Tal Feiyen. Emperor Feiyen had never married so had no heir of his own, and it was his young nephew who would one say inherit his throne.
Krall smiled up at his daughter as he prepared to watch the show.
I've cut a lot from the second scene already, just by following the same advice for the first scene, but I'm thinking that even though I have cut a lot, its still a bit too info-heavy...
As always, I've moderated live-action writing groups before and I know you don't learn anything from people being nice, so be as truthful as you feel you need to be...
Thanks in advance for your help...
Jammill
Chapter I.
Izyack Royal Academy, Kaissell
22.11.1487bng (Before the New Galactic)
Haemon Krall paced uncomfortably up and down the overly-luxurious room, keeping his eyes fixed on the intimidatingly large window. He was terrified of what lay outside. Of the Dark Soul. This whole universe was.
Though Kaissell was a moon it was the Izyack homeworld, where his current host’s ancestors had lived as slaves. Emperor Feiyen had told him that the Izyack were set free over six million years ago. The vast planet Kaissell orbited was terraformed into a new home for them, and the Dark Soul brought an end to their own empire, returning to a more simple life here. The Royal Academy, and the Royal Tomb nearby, were the only two places on the moon outsiders were allowed now.
Straying from these areas, into the dense jungle beyond, would mean death. No one except the ruling house of the Empire were permitted to see the face of a Dark Soul and live. The Izyack used this to their advantage by setting the Academy here. It was where the ruling class of the universe could safely send their children to school, to be taught by the best teachers from across the Congress, protected by a living, breathing ghost story. His own daughter had been here for the past five years, since the first of his people had travelled amongst the stars and he was appointed ambassador to House Feiyen.
Through the window Krall noticed a flash of darkness, a child-like cry accompanying a rustling in the undergrowth. One of the unseen Dark Soul had found its prey. They had populated their jungles with strange, limbless, reptile-like, creatures. Krall knew they were self-aware, that the Dark Soul only ever ate sentient life forms. If it weren’t for these creatures, they would be hunting each other. With prey that screamed like a baby, and a history of being bred as much for food as labour, it was no wonder the Izyack were vegetarian.
Krall was distracted by a chime at the entrance to his room, but he didn’t take his eyes away from the window.
“Door.” Krall called out. He knew Feiyen’s nameless attendant was stood in the doorway, and wouldn’t come in until told. But Krall couldn’t stop watching.
“I wouldn’t have opened it if I didn’t want you to come in.” Krall added, the attendant finally walking in and waiting patiently behind him. Outside, with another flash of darkness the leaves became still once more, a half eaten carcass now seen on the floor.
“Emperor Feiyen says that he is ready for you Ambassador.” Without even looking Krall knew she would have her head lowered in reverence.
“Good.” Krall responded as he turned to face the attendant. As she slowly raised her head Krall made eye contact, then allowed her to lead him out of the room, with only a cursory glance back at the darkness he hadn’t even seen.
************
Krall was disappointed by the scarcity of ‘aliens’ as he entered the auditorium. Most of them looked no different to him, his fellow Derived Races. The large, black, pupil-less eyes of the Ferrend, and the external gills of the Laquiss were barely noticeable behind shaded glasses and shirts respectively. The Axon and Tarvell however had no distinguishing features, from each other or the Neabon. It was only the Izyack, the fifth of the Derived Races currently in the Universal Congress, that differed from the others.
Although their numbers were lower, the alieness of the Evolved Races didn’t disappoint. He could see the red and orange equine bodies of Schaylon all around, one race representing two separate nation-states. The red ones were from Schayluss, the sixth member of the Congress, while the orange ones were from the Greater Schaylon Empire, the only other faction in this sector of the universe, and the Congress’ ally.
All the other Evolved Races here, the eight foot mounds of muscle and hair that were the Yollen, the hard-shelled humanoid form of the Tooken, and the blank faces and slender silicone limbs of the Shockrell, were citizens of the Schaylon ruled G.S.E.
The five Derived Races and the citizens of Schayluss were only six of the eight members of the Congress. The other two were not represented here, the Harggen and the Beilon. The Harggen, neither Evolved or Derived, were descended from Izyack and Tarvell cross-breeding and had no need of a Royal Academy, being the only true democracy in the universe.
The Beilon were on the brink of extinction, and he’d never seen one in person. There were said to be less than a hundred left, the last of their soul being nursed to their grave by thousands upon thousands of sentient robots on their homeworld. Beilon lived long lives though, the youngest of the survivors had at least another couple of thousand years.
Emperor Feiyen entered the room and immediately made his way towards Krall. Like all Izyack, the Emperor had thick green-brown skin, and the main distinguishing feature of his race, the cutter. It lay in the middle of Feiyen’s forehead, four bony digits forming an ‘X’. The rest of the universe didn’t know what it was for, but many postulated it had something to do with their breeding rituals.
“Emperor.” Krall said, bowing his head.
“Haemon.” Feiyen responded. Krall filled with pride every time he heard that word from the mouth of an alien Emperor. He had endured much to earn the position of Haemon, now he was getting the rewards. “We’ll talk after the performance old friend.”
As the two of them took their seats, Krall remembered back to their first meeting. It had been almost twenty years since a young Krall had met Feiyen, the Emperor himself being first Izyack to land on Neabuerkauss for talks with their Haemons, proving that the Neabon were not alone in this universe.
It had been twenty years without the destruction and pillaging they had feared. Twenty years in which the Izyack had been preparing them for life in the universal community with gifts of technology, science and medicine. The Neabonn were now starting to colonise other worlds in their home system with Izyack ships. Their doctors had all but eradicated most diseases, and it had been the greatest twenty years in Neabon history.
In another ten, they would be ready to join the Congress. Then they would repay the Izyack for their help, by voting alongside the Ferrend and Laquiss to hand them control of the group, installing the deserved rulers of the universe to power. Currently the Tarvell ruled the Congress with the support of the Beilon and Harggen, Axon and Schayluss remaining neutral.
The last of the lights died down, Krall able to glimpse the deep black eyes of the Ferrend as the protective glasses were removed now it was darker. Two figures walked onto the stage, Krall’s daughter Taten and Zan’Tal Feiyen. Emperor Feiyen had never married so had no heir of his own, and it was his young nephew who would one say inherit his throne.
Krall smiled up at his daughter as he prepared to watch the show.
