pov again (150 words)

Discussion in 'Critiques' started by springs, Mar 30, 2012.

  1.  
    springs

    springs Juggling life

    Joined:
    Oct 5, 2011
    Messages:
    8,386
    I'm struggling with this. What I'm trying to get across is the thoughts that Kare is having about Silom, and how Silom's life was changed by events. So, they are Kare's thoughts, but they reflect what he thinks Silom, his friend, is thinking. I can't fall back on my old default of dialogue because I genuinely don't think they would ever, actually, talk about this. They're that funny word, begins with M; oh yeah, men. ;):) (joking!)
    So, firstly does it sound like it switches heads, or does it stay enough in Kare's head to be clearly his thoughts? If it does switch, any idea how to do something like this without head hopping?


    The two men walked to the door of the hospital wing, and stood in the sunshine of the early summer day at the base. Kare glanced at Silom and remembered Dignad with its angry red skies and sparse vegetation. He compared it to the lush planet in front of them; its jungle vegetation constantly threatening to encroach on the base and the bright sun giving real heat, not smoggy comfort.

    This wasn’t where Silom had expected to be, Kare thought. He’d planned to be with Debs, have a couple of kids, and a job in the yard, like most of the blokes he’d grown up with. But, it was more than Kare had ever hoped to have. I don’t want to go to Abendau, I don’t want to face its desert winds, or my mother. I was planned there, I was conceived and born there, and I knew I’d have to go back one day. But I don’t want to, any more than Silom wanted to leave Dignad.
  2.  
    allmywires

    allmywires not sure if...

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2012
    Messages:
    1,483
    I think it works fine. Without that 'Kare thought' in the second paragraph I think it might have been guilty of head-hopping, but with it there, it's pretty clear who's thinking what. :)
  3.  
    AnyaKimlin

    AnyaKimlin Active Member

    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2011
    Messages:
    3,135
    How about something like (and I know it is a horrible example)- Kare wondered what the man would have been like if Silom had lived a normal life: a job in a yard, Debs as a wife and two kids.

    That way it is Kare's thoughts about Silom based on things he knew about him?
  4.  
    Ursa major

    Ursa major Bearly Believable Staff Member

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2007
    Messages:
    14,243
    It seems fine to me, from a PoV perspective. The only bit I found jarring was the big chunk of thought in the same paragraph as the guessing what the other character was thinking.

    But as I'm in the mood for tinkering - sorry :eek: - I thought I'd tinker with the text:
  5.  
    ctg

    ctg weaver of the unseen

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2007
    Messages:
    3,503
    The two men walked to the door of the hospital wing, where they stood in the sunshine of the early summer day. Kare glanced at Silom and remembered Dignad. That world. The angry red skies and sparse vegetation here and there were nothing like the lush of the planet in front of them. They were not even alike. Here, the jungle vegetation constantly threatened to encroach on the base; the bright sun brought real heat, not smoggy comfort.

    Kare shook sullenly his head. Silom couldn't possibly have anticipated being here. He'd talked about being with Debs, possibly even having couple of kids. And like most of the blokes Kare had grown up with, Silom would expect to be working in the yard.

    That was more than Kare had ever hoped to have. He didn't want go back to Abendau. Not to see its fierce desert winds picking up the dust to form a mile high storm that was as angry as his mother. No. It had to stay in the past; as his home planet and that was it. He'd washed his hands with it. This was the place. This was where he wanted to plant his roots.

    But Silom... well that was another thing. Totally other matter. And Kare could only wish he would not change his mind. This place was a paradise and losing his only friend would be devastating.




    I'm sorry about the edits but I wanted to show you that you can get away from italics by getting in his head as he watches out from the window.
  6.  
    Mouse

    Mouse roar

    Joined:
    Jun 2, 2006
    Messages:
    8,584
    There's no head-hopping there, springs, don't panic!

  7.  
    springs

    springs Juggling life

    Joined:
    Oct 5, 2011
    Messages:
    8,386
    TYou, everyone. Ursa; tinker away, the sentence leading into the planet is much smoother, ty, and I have blatantly stolen it.... And a break from the main thoughts and the italicised thoughts makes sense.
    CTG, ty for the example. I don't use that many internal thoughts, mostly they form part of the narrative, but these ones are pretty key, so I wanted a little more emphasis, but very helpful to see the alternative.
  8.  
    Warren_Paul

    Warren_Paul Banishment this world!

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2012
    Messages:
    2,589

    Hey, Springs.

    It's not a head hop, although maybe the way those first couple of sentences are more how Silom would think those thoughts than Kare?

    Maybe more present like this?

    He doesn't want to be here. Kare could see it, the empty look in Silom's eyes. He want's to be back home, with Debs, where he can have a couple of kids, maybe a job in a yard.


    In the second half of the paragraph, not all of that needs to be in italics, I think.
  9.  
    Esfires

    Esfires New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2012
    Messages:
    256
    It certainly works well enough for me. But you have to realize that men do talk about important and emotional things, they just do it differently than women. A man might say a single sentence on such a subject and be done with it, but that one statement will carry all the emotional weight behind it. We also don't feel the need to respond when one of our friends makes a statement like that, it's enough for them to know that we heard it.

    You could accomplish something like that with just a simple section of dialogue.

    eg:

    Kare swept his eyes across the lush planet in front of them; its jungle vegetation constantly threatening to encroach on the base and the bright sun giving real heat, not smoggy comfort. I don’t want to go to Abendau, he thought. I don’t want to face its desert winds, or my mother. I was planned there, I was conceived and born there, and I knew I’d have to go back one day. But I don’t want to, any more than Silom wanted to leave Dignad.

    "Long way from home," Silom said. Kare stole a quick glance at his friend. Silom's eyes were tight, but not from of the bright glare of this world's early summer sun. "It's too green here," he said.

    In his mind, Kare saw a landscape bare of vegetation under an angry red sky. "Yeah."
  10.  
    Roxy

    Roxy New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 29, 2012
    Messages:
    19
    As others have said, it works just fine.

Share This Page