Mythological origins (702 words)

Discussion in 'Critiques' started by juelz4sure, Mar 26, 2012.

  1.  
    juelz4sure

    juelz4sure New Member

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    This is the origins of my myth at least the intro I think more will be introduced the farther the story gets along and possible from other Great One's POV but anyways I wanted to get what you guys thought about the origins, whether or not it flows well and if you like it. Hope you enjoy:)

    Origins



     

    The old man sat down on the far end of the desk looking deep within

    Desmond holding his breath. His eyes shifted colors from blue to brown

    eventually to green before finally exhaling” I believe it is your destiny to

    know that which is beyond you… There is a storm and you must know the

    players.” he said nodding to himself pleased. With a sigh he opened the

    bottom drawer of the desk and pulled out two small glasses and placed

    them on the desk grentel he muttered as the glasses filled

    instantly with a yellow liquor.


    “Let us begin… There was an existence long before time was a

    concept in the minds of the Great Ones. Each had it’s own little world,

    playground if you will to do as they wished with, if you or anyone for that

    matter would have seen us you would have said we were wandering

    aimlessly throughout the dark void.” He raised the small glass up to his

    mouth, his eyes were a glossy white as if reliving the events, “worlds

    shattered before us as though particles of dust parting before us desiring

    to be us yet they are no more… Distant stars shone brightly throughout

    the cosmoses, giving us insight allowing us to glimpse into the future if

    you will, and believe me it was beautiful!” Sitting back in his chair he

    began organizing his next thoughts into words, rubbing his hands through

    his thinning hair.


    Structure was formed and thus we were happy, able to coexist and

    move as we wished. We were the beginning as we shall be the end… Yet

    happiness, true happiness was a fleeting memory. Design and structure

    fell to the waist side. See happiness is a funny thing, we had never known

    it therefore never missed it but to lose it was unthinkable. We searched

    the fleeting light until it was nothing more but a memory” Slowly Celtare

    got up to his feet, and began pacing the room glass empty

    grentel he mumbled again “a painful memory. Some of us left of

    course others descended upon others fighting for supremacy, darkness

    was all that was left in our existence again, leaving us drifting alone, far

    from our brothers and sisters.


    After countless cycles there was an unexpected eruption of light…

    We the Great Ones were alive again. No longer did we drift aimlessly, we

    grew strong. Those that were weak fell before us crying for mercy but

    war, I mean true war could not be avoided. We fed upon each other

    absorbing everything possible, while others crumbled into small shards of

    what they once were. That is until the first form of life was seen on what

    you call Jupiter, it was no larger than a speck of sand moving along the

    clouds of hydrogen feeding on other like creatures.


    Life beyond us” tears flowed down the old man’s face,” was a dream

    long forgotten, yet here before us all was life! Greed consumed some of

    our brothers destroying that precious life, some of us fought for structure

    circling around the light, while others like Forelith came crashing down

    upon my home breaking my home into two, along with my essanance.

    That is why I stand here old and decreptide, the envy of all others.


    Forelith was not strong enough to destroy me and I being ripped

    apart was to weak to consume him. He is the one that rules over the

    realm of the underworld, awoken by hate and consumed by the fire

    formed from us merging. There are many that follow him and his ways

    causing havoc upon my lands, extinguishing the life from those that

    oppose him. He moves in the shadows fearful to show his self but his time

    will come as it will for all.


    As you know I am Celtare, many before you have called me

    “God” or even “Mother Earth” although the last is the closest

    as you see I am no woman, “he laughed to himself” ruler of

    the land and sky above, all that creates life on this fragile

    planet is mine. Even the Seven is of my making… reckless as

    they are, yet even death can be tamed.
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2012
  2.  
    RJM Corbet

    RJM Corbet Never Sure

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    I like your myth, but I'm not going to sort out the punctuation etc, for you, and neither will any agent or publisher, unless you want to pay someone to do it?

    Has real potential but needs some nuts and bolts work, ok?

    Sorry, it may sound rough, but the presentation is so disjointed that I can't really pay it the attention it deserves? May come back later, but you know, that's also going to be the average reader's reaction? Surely you can tidy it up a bit first? Sorry Juelz ...
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2012
  3.  
    chrispenycate

    chrispenycate resident pedantissimo Staff Member

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    Comma
    Period
    Probably a comma here.
    Is it the old man or Desmond holding his breath? If the former, comma here.
    At least a comma here, I'd suggest an "and".
    His eyes exhaled? What species does inflatable eyeballs?
    Period, unless his eyeballs are exhaling the speech.
    Comma.
    Comma
    Consider replacing this "and" with a comma, to eliminate the chained conjunctions.
    Full stop (period?)
    its (the apostrophe is only used for the contraction of "it is/it has"
    comma
    As you have rendered the 'Great Ones' genderless with your "its own little world", avoid the plural "they" and continue in impersonal mode, "it"
    Comma splice
    Comma
    Comma, and "had seen us" would flow better than "would have seen" after the "if".
    Comma splice, though you could lose the "were" to regularise it.
    Period, upper case (capital) "W"
    There must be a punctuation mark here, although the significance of the worlds shattering and dust motes parting in the previous lump escapes me.
    punctuate?
    Comma
    If you will what?
    Quotation marks (speech marks, inverted commas)
    I suspect "wayside"
    Comma
    At least a comma here; consider an "and"
    Comma
    Comma
    PeriodOpen and close quotation marks round his incantation.
    Punctuate. At least a comma, And I'd see a period; your liquor producing spell is not really part of the sentence he is starting
    Comma
    Comma
    Punctuate
    Comma splice.
    Comma splice (replace "we" with "but"?)
    Comma
    I think comma.
    Comma splice
    Unless it was the hydrogen feeding, comma here.
    Period, capital "T" (not direct speech attribution).
    Punctuate
    Comma splice
    Comma, don't repeat "home" unless you absolutely need to intensify the emotional attachment; I suspect "breaking it in two" would be quite adequate here.
    Comma
    Comma
    too
    Comma; is there a reason for "his self" rather than "himself"?
    Comma
    Comma
    Comma splice
    Punctuate; probably period.
    Period
    All right, I'n accustomed to creation myths being somewhat disjointed, but the middle of this one, where they got into cannibalism lost me completely. As you can see you have some work to do on punctuation; be careful with your quotation marks, you have a tendency to link them to the non-quoted bit rather than the dialogue.

    Oh, somebody will be along to comment on the style sooner or later; very down to Earth (or whatever this planet is) rather than the more formal version supposedly copied from a sacred book, resonant and rhythmic for generations of oral tradition. No, I'm not saying this is a good or bad thing, merely commenting.
  4.  
    springs

    springs Juggling life

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    Juelz, it's an interesting premise, but I have to agree that the punctuation makes it really hard to follow. The two bits that stood out is that where you have a seperate stanza within a sentence I have to go back and read it again to make sense as there is nothing to tell me, and some of the sentences ran on without the natural breaks. If you can imagine it read aloud, see where the breaks come, that often helps me - and I'm far from strong with punctuation. As it is, it gets between the reader and an intriguing tale. And I see I crossed with Chrispy; I will now hide at how bad my advice probably is. :eek:
  5.  
    Abernovo

    Abernovo Accident-prone, allegedly

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    Hi, juelz. The first thing I did with this was to reformat it. I don't know if you intended it to appear like that on the page, but I found it disjointed to read. That, however, could be me and my eyes.:)

    There were quite a lot of punctuation issues. I may use too many commas, but I thought this could do with a few more. There were also a few problems with the placement of quotation marks. Anyway, I've flagged up those and any other issues that I thought you might need to address. I hope you won't think that I've been too severe. Best of luck with the story.:)

    EDIT: I see in the meantime, two more have got in with their critiques, so if I'm repeating stuff, my apologies.

    Right here you've lost me, I'm afraid. Is the old man looking deep into Desmond or into himself, with Desmond holding his breath waiting for the old man to speak?
    If he's muttering, it's speech, so the first letter needs to be capitalised 'Grentel', as it's not a continuation.


    Repeat of 'would have'. Perhaps the first one could be 'had'?
    Repeat of 'before us'. The first one could probably be cut.
    Repeat of 'others' - others descended upon others


    Another repeat of 'others'.


    Repeat of 'my home'. Could the second 'my home' be changed to 'it'? The word 'essanance' - do you mean essence?


    You have 'last is closest'. Should that not be 'first is closest', as 'Mother Earth' is last and he is no woman.

    I've used
    RED for any issues; and
    BLUE for my suggestions and questions.
  6.  
    juelz4sure

    juelz4sure New Member

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    thanks everyone I will definately take a look at it and post the revised version, once agains thank you
  7.  
    Michael01

    Michael01 Coven of the Worm

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    Hi, Juelz. I see you got a lot of good advice for cleaning up the technical issues. And really, you will need to get a handle on that before moving on, but I would like to offer you a slightly different kind of critique (although I will likely have overlaps, in some cases).

    A lot of what I'll say is not something you necessarily need to think about when writing your first draft, but they are things you can think about when you revise.

    I'm actually not used to this, but I want to give it a shot anyway (for practice). Maybe we can both learn something from the experience?

    Anyway, keep in mind that my comments are only suggestions. Look them over, think about them, and then - of course - decide for yourself how you want to proceed.

    I'll begin by saying I think you have something very interesting here. I found it a little slow going at first, partly because of the technical issues but also for other reasons I'll explain in a minute. However, it did pick up as it went along and the next to last paragraph had me completely engaged.

    Red = things you might want to think about.
    Purple = things I like.
    Blue = my comments.

    Overall, I think I’m saying you could simplify your language to make it more concise, and provide some more details to fill in all those blanks and clear up all the vague, confusing exposition in Celtare’s address. More details can help, but this is a spoken monolog so you don’t have to be too descriptive…enough to keep your readers involved. Just be clear.

    I would also advise against writing in omniscient at this stage. It is a very difficult pov in which to write anyway. You might want to try third person limited. And then you can write the prologue (I think you can, anyway) the way I suggested above, or you can write it from the other character's pov (because he or she is looking at Celtare). [Then again, perhaps you could find a way to have only the monolog...no narration? If you do, though, description in the lecture would become even more necessary to keep it engaging. I'm not sure how advisable this suggestion is, but it might be all right for a prologue.]

    There you have it. I hope I did all right, and I hope you find something helpful here.

    I think you have great ideas and are well on your way to a very cool story. I’d love to see where you end up with this. Good luck!
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2012
  8.  
    juelz4sure

    juelz4sure New Member

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    Thanks michael I will definately take into consideration what you said and taking a slow look at the myth I see a lot of things that need to be re-worked. at this point I want the myth to be told from three different perspectives. The origins is being told from Celtare, while the False Prophet which has already been revealed to Desmond by another spirit in the Fae and another more menecing part be revealed to Toby and Le'on by Forelith, but that is still a ways a way. When this oart is finnished I will definately re-post it to get your oppinion of the revosed version
  9.  
    Michael01

    Michael01 Coven of the Worm

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    Okay. I'll be looking forward to it!
  10.  
    Bowler1

    Bowler1 Senile Member

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    It would be good, when you're ready to see characters interacting and story telling. I'm not a big fan of intro's and perfer getting straight down to the characters. This is a choice for you and there are threads on here discussing which is best - (no intro!!!).

    Your introduction gave a lot away on what I'm assuming is one of your main characters. To have gone from an Old Man to God like near the end was a big jump and showing a lot of the character. Keeping back how powerful a character is, would add more suspence and leave something for later. Your pace was not too bad. I can see what you were trying to do and the idea was good.

    There is little more I can add that other members have not already done.

    Take the red ink on board, you can improve and will - I'm still getting lots myself! Its very clear you have a good imagination so I know your a storyteller - the rest you can learn.
  11.  
    RJM Corbet

    RJM Corbet Never Sure

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    Yes. Absolutely. Far better be a creative, inspired storyteller who can acquire writing skills, than the reverse? :)
  12.  
    juelz4sure

    juelz4sure New Member

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    The title of the thread is a bit misleading... the post is about 1/3 into the book, but it the origin of the "Great Ones," and essentially what role they will play throughout the chronicles. The main protagonist and antagonists will align themselves with a Great One. The story being told is the story of the two great ones that are affecting this world now, but others will begin to make themselves known eventually. I am also thinking of having different parts of the of the mythology told from other Great Ones POV It's definitely a work in process though thanks for all the comments thus far, still working on the revised version and adding somethings hopefully I will be done in a little while. Thanks again
  13.  
    RJM Corbet

    RJM Corbet Never Sure

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    The title of the thread is a bit misleading... the post is about 1/3 into the book, but it's the origin of the "Great Ones," and essentially what role they will play throughout the chronicles. The main protagonist and antagonists will align themselves with a Great One.

    Paragraph here ...

    The story being told is the story of the two great ones that are affecting this world now, but others will begin to make themselves known eventually. I am also thinking of having different parts of the of the mythology told from other Great Ones POV It's definitely a work in process though(.) Thanks for all the comments thus far, still working on the revised version and adding (some)things(.) Hopefully I will be done in a little while. Thanks again

    See? You're getting it quick? :)
  14.  
    juelz4sure

    juelz4sure New Member

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    Hope you like it ​


    ***revised***


    The old man sat at the far end of the desk looking deep into Desmond, chills ran up Desmond’s spine as Celtare held his breath with anticipation. Slowly, his eyes shifted from blue to brown then to a bright green before he exhaled. “I believe it is your destiny to know that which is even beyond you,” he said as beads of sweat rolled down the side of his face. “A storm is coming… That much I am sure of,” he said nodding to himself, pleased. With a sigh he opened the bottom drawer of the desk and pulled out a small glass, placed it on the desk before him. “Grentel” he muttered to himself as the glass filled with a yellow liquor.

    “In the beginning there were the Great Ones… countless beings, so much that even the stars in the night sky do not come close. We existed in a realm beyond your understanding, there was a war which took place over a thousand years. In the end we destroyed our realm and everything that was important to us, forcing us to wandered space in search for a new home to call their own.” He raised the small glass to his mouth, his eyes a glossy white as if reliving the events. “Some found small worlds while other found small meteorites to call home. Smaller worlds shattered before some of us like particles of dust which we devoured so that we could grow stronger and larger. Eventually a distant star shone bright through the many cosmoses, giving us insight allowing us to glimpse into the future, and believe me it was beautiful! Life… It was just beyond our reach but it was there,” thoughtfully he leaned back in his chair running his hands through his thinning hair.

    “Order was formed and thus we were happy, able to coexist and move as we wished. For once there was peace between the Great Ones, even the smaller worlds were excepted as equals. Eventually the star began to fade and with it our order crumbled. The dream of life also faded with the light” slowly Celtare got to his feet and begun to pace the room, empty glass in his hand “Grentel” he mumbled again. “Before, we had never known happiness therefore we never missed it, but to lose it was unthinkable. Leaving us in darkness, Some of course wandered off with faint hope of discovering the origins of the light. Many reverted back to the old ways of destruction, explosions erupted throughout the darkness as worlds were destroyed.

    After countless worlds fell before us there was a emptiness within us. Slowly we moved farther from each other shrinking deeper and deeper into ourselves, many of us fell into a deep slumber while others lost what was left of their mind, when an unexpected eruption of light exploded violently… We the Great Ones were alive again. Lost dreams flooded into our thoughts and we no longer drifted aimlessly, we grew stronger. Eventually we began to turn on each other fighting to be close to the blinding light in the forming galaxy. Those that were weak fell before us pleading for mercy but war, I mean true war could not be avoided. We fed upon each other absorbing every element they possessed, while others crumbled into shards of what they once were. War continued for thousands of revolutions around the Bright One, which you call the Sun. That is until the first form of life in our galaxy was found on Jupiter; It was no larger than a speck of sand moving along he clouds of Hydrogen, feeding upon Helium gases floating throughout the atmosphere.

    Life amongst us, “Celtare took a deep swallow of the yellow liquor, there was a subtle sadness in his eyes when he looked up at Desmond again “was a dream long forgotten, yet here before us all was life! Greed consumed some of my brothers and sisters destroying that precious life. Some of us fought for order, while others like Forelith came crashing down upon my home breaking it into two ripping my essence… my very soul, that’s why I stand here old and decrepit.

    When my home was struck and my essence was ripped into three; leaving us with the Celtare, Lunastra and Iriata. Lunastra currently resides upon the moon which is why the moon has such influence on the workings of this planet. Iriata is bound to the lost world, long exiled to the outer reaches of the galaxy but it will return one day because we are bound to each other, bringing nothing but vengeance.

    When Forelith fell upon this world he wasn’t strong enough to destroy me and I being ripped apart, I was too weak to consume him. We have been fighting for millenniums for complete control over this world. For the time, Forelith rules over the realm of the underworld, awoken by hatred and consumed by fire formed from our merging. There are many that follow him and his ways causing havoc upon my lands, extinguishing the life from those that would oppose him. He moves in the shadows, fearful to show himself but his time will come, as it will for all!

    As you know I am Celtare. Many before you have called me “God” or even “Mother Earth”; Mother Earth is the closest but as you can see I am no woman,” he said smiling in spite of himself. “Ruler of the land and sky above, all that creates life on this fragile planet is mine. Even the seven is of my making… Reckless as they are, yet even death can be tamed.” Celtare sat the glass down on the desk in front of me and pulled his seat beside me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2012
  15.  
    Interference

    Interference Destroyer of Words

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    The old man sat at the far end of the desk looking deep into Desmond, chills ran up Desmond’s spine as Celtare held his breath with anticipation. Slowly, his (whose?) eyes shifted from blue to brown then to a bright green before he exhaled.

    “I believe it is your destiny to know that which is even (this word makes it seem the other person is extremely powerful already and the other person knows it, but I'm still not sure who's speaking) beyond you,” he said as beads of sweat rolled down the side of his face. “A storm is coming… That much I am sure of,” he said nodding to himself, pleased.

    With a sigh he opened the bottom drawer of the desk and pulled out a small glass, placed it on the desk before him.

    “Grentel,” he muttered to himself as the glass filled with a yellow liquor,in the beginning there were the Great Ones… countless beings, so much (many) that even the stars in the night sky do not come close (to them in number - otherwise, stars never come close to anyone, cos of the distances involved). We existed in a realm beyond your understanding, there was a war which took place over a thousand years. In the end we destroyed our realm and everything that was important to us, forcing us to wandered space in search for a new home to call their (our - you've been saying "we" so far) own.”

    He raised the small glass to his mouth, his eyes a glossy white as if reliving the events.

    “Some (of us) found small worlds while others found small meteorites (meteors - meteorites have entered Earth's atmosphere) to call home. Smaller worlds shattered before some of us like particles of dust which we devoured so that we could grow stronger and larger. Eventually a distant star shone bright through the many cosmoses (the vast cosmos - "cosmos" is only a singular noun and has no plural), giving us insight allowing us to glimpse into the future, and believe me it was beautiful! Life… It was just beyond our reach but it was there.

    Thoughtfully, he leaned back in his chair running his hands through his thinning hair.

    “Order was formed and thus we were happy, able to coexist and move as we wished. For once there was peace between the Great Ones, even the smaller worlds were excepted (accepted) as equals. Eventually the star began to fade and with it, our order crumbled. The dream of life also faded with the light”

    Slowly Celtare (ah! now I know who's talking :)) got to his feet and began to pace the room, empty glass in his hand.

    “Grentel,” he mumbled again,before, we had never known happiness therefore we never missed it, but to lose it was unthinkable. Leaving us in darkness, some of course wandered off with faint hope of discovering the origins of the light. Many reverted back to the old ways of destruction, explosions erupted throughout the darkness as worlds were destroyed. After countless worlds fell before us there was a emptiness within us. Slowly we moved farther from each other shrinking deeper and deeper into ourselves, many of us fell into a deep slumber while others lost what was left of their minds, when an unexpected eruption of light exploded violently… We the Great Ones were alive again. Lost dreams flooded into our thoughts and we no longer drifted aimlessly, we grew stronger. Eventually we began to turn on each other, fighting to be close to the blinding light in the forming galaxy. Those that were weak fell before us pleading for mercy but war, I mean true war could, not be avoided. We fed upon each other absorbing every element they possessed, while others crumbled into shards of what they once were. War continued for thousands of revolutions around the Bright One, which you call the Sun. That is until the first form of life in our galaxy was found on Jupiter; it was no larger than a speck of sand moving along the clouds of Hydrogen, feeding upon Helium gases floating throughout the atmosphere. Life amongst us,“ Celtare took a deep swallow of the yellow liquor, there was a subtle sadness in his eyes when he looked up at Desmond again, “was a dream long forgotten, yet here before us all was life! Greed consumed some of my brothers and sisters, destroying that precious life. Some of us fought for order (no comma needed here) while others like Forelith came crashing down upon my home breaking it into two, (one here, though :)) ripping my essence… my very soul. That’s why I stand here, old and decrepit. (don't close the quotes here, but begin with new open quotes for the new paragraph: )

    "When (is "when" the word you mean, or "then"?) my home was struck and my essence was ripped into three, (comma, not semi-colon) leaving us with the Celtare, Lunastra and Iriata. Lunastra currently resides upon the moon which is why the moon has such influence on the workings of this planet. Iriata is bound to the lost world, long exiled to the outer reaches of the galaxy but it will return one day because we are bound to each other, bringing nothing but vengeance. (These two phrases I've italicised are more strongly connected than the two you mean, so it would be better to put an end to one sentence and begin the next with something like ...but it will return one day because we are bound to each other. It will bring with it nothing but vengeance.)

    "When Forelith fell upon this world he wasn’t strong enough to destroy me and I, being ripped apart, I was too weak to consume him. We have been fighting for millenniums (or "millennia") for complete control over this world. For the time being, Forelith rules over the realm of the underworld, awoken by hatred and consumed by fire formed from our merging. There are many that follow him and his ways causing havoc upon my lands, extinguishing the life from of those that who would oppose him. He moves in the shadows, fearful to show himself but his time will come, as it will for all!

    "As you know, I am Celtare. Many before you have called me “God” or even “Mother Earth”; Mother Earth is the closest but as you can see I am no woman,” he said smiling in spite of himself. “Ruler of the land and sky above, all that creates life on this fragile planet is mine. Even the seven is of my making… Reckless as they are, yet even death can be tamed.”

    Celtare sat the glass down on the desk in front of me and pulled his seat beside me. (and where did "me" suddenly spring from? :confused:)


    Much, much, much better, though.

    Now, why couldn't you have done that to begin with? :D
  16.  
    The Judge

    The Judge Truth. Order. Moderation. Staff Member

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    juelz, I didn't interfere with your original post as although the formatting was odd, it was legible, but you must leave a clear line's space between paragraphs -- the indented first lines you attempted to make are ripped out by the forum software. This left a whole wall of text which is very off-putting. I've amended it for you on this occasion, as you're outside the time for editing, but do please check for yourself next time.
  17.  
    Bowler1

    Bowler1 Senile Member

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    Much better and a scary improvement - but go study what you now have, absorb and return (soon mate). I'm looking forward to seeing more of your stuff, well done.

    Some telling and leading the reader still. A lot less dense however, nicer flow and pace and a better feel - all this adds up to style. Discovering your own style is a great journey, one we are all on.
  18.  
    juelz4sure

    juelz4sure New Member

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    Thank you for the help... I was given a lot of help with grammar and what not. Now it's just practicing what I've learned.:)
  19.  
    chrispenycate

    chrispenycate resident pedantissimo Staff Member

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    Comma splice
    Would you really make a pause here if you were reading this out loud? If not you don't need a comma
    Comma
    Comma
    If the word is responsable for the filling, (which the later refill suggests) it's not really "as", is it? More "and".
    So many? Or, if you want a comparitive to "countless", "so much so that…"
    Comma splice
    All right, this is just me, but "space" is local. He comes from outside our local cosmos. Some suitably mystic term like Forcing us to wander the planes of existence", properly vague. Oh, and that is "to wander", not "to wandered"; the infinitive does not have a past form.
    That, as there is no direct speech attribution, is a period.
    accepted, I suspect. They were not made an exception of.
    Period.
    had
    Why the uppercase "S"? But I don't really understand the significance of the "leaving us in darkness". Surely the ones who wandered off were in darkness too?
    Comma
    Comma
    Comma splice
    Comma
    Comma splice
    Why is this not a new sentence, new paragraph, new chapter. Suddenly everything is changed, and you put it in continuity with the explanation of the decay due to loss.
    Comma
    Comma
    Comma
    Possibly "of"?
    Comma
    Comma
    Quotation marks attatched to dialogue, please. And the end of the first bit of dialogue should be a period, despit it not being a complete sentence, unless you want to modify it to something like "said Celtare, taking a deep swallow of…" Adeep swallow? You said it was a small glass, and I was imagining a shot glass sort of size.
    Comma splice.
    Comma
    Comma
    Just a comma? something like "into"
    Comma
    Believe it or not, that's a fragment. When something happened, what were the consequences? Well, yes, "we were left with three…" And you don't need tat semicolon, save it for one of the comma splices.
    Comma
    Comma, and consider restructuring the end, so the vengeance is not tied to the binding, but the return.
    I think the comma should go here, but perhaps before the "I". Read it out loud, and feel where you put the pause.
    millennia
    Three "for" sounds in too close proximity.
    Comma
  20.  
    Michael01

    Michael01 Coven of the Worm

    Joined:
    Feb 1, 2007
    Messages:
    938
    I agree that this version is a vast improvement over the first. Good job, Juelz!

    I definitely get a much clearer understanding of Celtare's story now. No confusion left, except on one point: You say that Celtare, along with the other Great Ones, lived in another "realm." But if you mean what you say in the last paragraph, that he is the ruler of the land and sky, and that he is more like "Mother Earth," then Celtare is a realm - a living, breathing, self-aware universe, right? You reinforce this idea when you say that Celtare was split into three parts, I think. It's something I like very much, but it still leaves me wondering what, exactly, the Great Ones are. It isn't something that needs to be clearly defined for the reader, per se, since we all like a bit of mystery about our gods. However, I get the impression that Celtare is a world unto himself and that he once resided in a world.

    For these same reasons, I have to wonder why Celtare needs to search for life. Can't he just create it? Or have it sort of grow out of him?

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