Opening for my UF wip. (May not be suitable for younger readers.)

Discussion in 'Critiques' started by Ökuþórr, Mar 13, 2012.

  1.  
    Ökuþórr

    Ökuþórr In my chariot of awesome

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    1124 words.

    This is the opening (possible opening) for my UF wip that I recently started. All critique welcome.
    If it comes across as a little "chaotic", that was my intention. First person pov. Hope it makes at least some sense.:D

    I have no experience reading UF (some orders on the way though), so if that shows, please point out where.


    .............................

    Álfar.


    The deep and steady roar of the engine sent tremors through my body while Lights innumerable flashed by at a hypnotic pace, blurring into one continuous stream of multi-coloured light as I drifted in and out of consciousness. Images of dark things plagued my mind, red eyes and piercing screams, the voice of death drilling through my skull and knife-like claws of ice, tearing flesh. The car hit a bump and my eyes shot open to be greeted by a light that hit me like iron fist. I let out a moan and raised bloody hands to shield my eyes. I felt blood and sweat sting both eye and wound before blackness took me and nightmare returned.
    I could feel something jolting me awake as words pierced a wall of pain and fear, scattering visions of terror made manifest. A male voice.

    “……Awake…..Stay……….….Place…….sh**!”

    My lips moved in response but whatever noise I made couldn’t be considered speech. I let my head drop before opening my eyes again and all was a blur; for the brief seconds of focus I was awarded I saw my skirt was torn and my legs were more blood than skin. Pain coursed through me, a burning like acid rubbed into wound and my head was throbbing; my skull felt as if it were about to burst. Vision faded.

    “….Kelly………AWAKE!”

    His shout brought me a few seconds of lucidity, but a dark face and bright green eyes – almost lights themselves – was all I saw before the pounding in my head made the world spin and the dark things returned to haunt me. Claws rent flesh and scraped bone, moving further up my legs. Icy blades slashed at my stomach as a gaping maw, toothed with needle and razor materialized from darkness. I screamed and felt the car swerve as his concentration was broken.

    Damn it!” I heard through the haze and my head struck the door, black spots joined the lights. I felt bile rise and emptied the day’s lunch down my front; I tasted blood.

    “….Ok……..awake………longer.”

    More words, but I barely understood. I felt a hand on my shoulder, gentle, and then returned to the black. This time I dreamed of other things.

    Rain poured from a sky of dark orchid, echoing with a sound reminiscent of rolling thunder as it danced on roof and road. I stood in the open, staring up at buildings whose form was both familiar and alien. I eyed the monuments of glass and steel that rose high enough to kiss the clouds and thought there were none but me here, a whole city to myself.
    Lightning flashed white across the sky cutting rivers through the twilight as the towers of glass shattered, shards raining down on all. Something howled in the distance and I ran. I was bare foot and the broken glass shredded the skin on my feet as I went. I didn’t care; I had to escape the howling. Blood mixed with rain as I ran through the streets, panic taking hold and pushing all pain from my mind. The earth shook as thunder boomed and stone followed glass and came crashing to the ground. I dodged left and right as chunks of masonry fell around me. The howling closed in as another flash of lightning snaked across the sky and thunder shook the earth again, opening cracks in the streets; the city was crumbling. I leapt as a fissure opened before me and landed on my hands and knees. My hands came away more glass than flesh as I tried to get to my feet and failed. Pain fought back against panic and I let out a scream that burned my throat and drowned out the storm.


    I woke kicking and screaming, still in the car and wracked with pain. I could no longer feel the engine and the lights had stopped. I threw up again but this time there was no hand on my shoulder. The world was a blur; dizziness had a hold on my mind and fear my body as I shook uncontrollably. I heard panicked voices and the car door opened. Hands grasped me and I fought, lashing out with whatever limbs would respond. I screamed and bit, spat blood and kicked. Blackness came and went in brief snaps and I heard a woman’s voice.

    “…Sh**....emi…”

    Darkness came on again.
    This time I woke laying on a hard surface, hands grabbing at my clothes, doing god knows what to me. I screamed again and a hand held my head down.

    “Still……please…” Someone pleaded. I fell into unconsciousness again and red eyes filled my vision.

    “Flesh torn from bone, drowned in fire!” They cheered. “Cooked alive, boiled, boiled!” A voice more gravel than human, spoke like death, its every word a pain, a pressure on my skull…

    A feeling of burning brought me too and I panicked. I was in water, it felt like boiling water, it burned and I thrashed, swallowing, and my arm struck something soft.

    “Gahh….damnit!” A voice came.

    I lashed out again but the burning water held me fast. I struggled and kicked but the surface of whatever I was boiling in was too smooth, I couldn’t get a good enough purchase. Pain washed over me and I blacked out.

    An older voice spoke now. “Warriors of worlds there were, both high and low born. Fought and fell and turned to dust, forgotten. The earth bled and the High Ones fled, driven out. Man was alone, afraid, and so sealed himself behind great walls of stone. The Neverwere swarmed across the land and death rejoiced at their coming….”

    I woke again on a hard surface. My vision wouldn’t clear and my head still pounded, ears ringing. The boiling had stopped now but I still felt hands grabbing. Red eyes still haunted the dark, occasionally pierced by green light and gold. The ringing in my ears drowned out almost all sound and I heard what sounded like muffled voices before falling once again into darkness.

    “Man’s cities lay in ruin, his walls toppled and castles smashed. Near to extinction they came. But still he stood victorious, rebuilding his home on the graves of the Neverwere and raising high those that came….”

    Bright sunlight pierced my eyes and pain stabbed like needles in my head. For a moment I was relieved to be waking up in my own bed, last night a dream; but when pain increased and spread like a virus despair took hold and I wept. Tears flowed free and filled my vision. I raised a hand to wipe my eyes but movement brought only more pain. I tried to say something but my throat felt raw and no words passed my lips.

    ....................
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2012
  2.  
    Interference

    Interference Destroyer of Words

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    DELETEDELETE - I just got it :eek: :eek: :eek:
  3.  
    Warren_Paul

    Warren_Paul Banishment this world!

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    Hey Ökuþórr. I thought it was very good, a few minor details I got confused about. I'm still not sure by the end of it if she was taken to a hospital or not, and by the last paragraph I'm leaning towards the not, or at least she has woken up several days after it happened. If the second is true then wouldn't she still be in the hospital, not her bed?

    I couldn't figure out if the water was figurative, or literal, and if literal, why?

    I liked the descriptions in the narrative, it captured the chaotic feel well.

    I'm not sure I get what Interference is on about... :eek:


    EDIT: See now it's edited and my comment doesn't apply to the dialogue any more. So she doesn't talk at all? It's just the guy? If so then it's fine -except for the OK bit though. ;)
  4.  
    Ökuþórr

    Ökuþórr In my chariot of awesome

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    Thanks Warren.

    I can replace hit with struck. It works as well.

    If that's the case, it could always be altered to say that he simply reacted to the scream.

    Its the driver talking. He's basically asking her to stay awake that little bit longer. Just trying to keep her as lucid as possible. It belongs on a separate line, I forgot to hit enter.:eek: I have edited.

    She was taken to the home of a close friend of the drivers. Hospitals would ask too many questions and some of the things that have happened to her (she'll realise later) cant be treated in a hospital.

    The water is real. After they removed her clothes they had wash her wounds (which were many) and warm her up. The things that attacked her caused her temperature to drop (i realise now that i've neglected to say that) rapidly. I doubt very much medical professionals would do it that way, but these two aren't doctors.

    You're right, she isn't in hospital. They are at the woman's house.

    EDIT: Should it be Okay?

    DOUBLE EDIT: I'm not sure either. But I think DELETEDELETE is a Dr. Who reference.:D
  5.  
    Warren_Paul

    Warren_Paul Banishment this world!

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    I think so. It's like numbers, we read them as: 1234. but we say them as: One Two Three Four. Numbers should always be spelt out as words in dialogue.

    I believe the same applied for any abbreviations. We read it as: OK, but say it as: Okay.
  6.  
    HMart

    HMart Chain Scribbler

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    I like it. You had me at "chaotic".

    I would read more. It feels like a strong story is building.
  7.  
    Ökuþórr

    Ökuþórr In my chariot of awesome

    Joined:
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    Thank you.:D

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