Naive Character Scene

[Warren_Paul]

Bah, I see a mistake, and too late to edit... don't you hate that. Surprised it got missed up to this point...

‘Kateryn, Kateryn, Kateryn, it’s always about Kateryn. What did Kateryn do today, will she be there; will you see her today? Even before I’d even met Kateryn, Mother couldn’t think of anyone else to talk about, so excited she was to ship me off here. I exist too!’

repeated even... Fixed:

‘Kateryn, Kateryn, Kateryn, it’s always about Kateryn. What did Kateryn do today, will she be there; will you see her today? Before I’d even met Kateryn, Mother couldn’t think of anyone else to talk about, so excited she was to ship me off here. I exist too!’

 

[crystal haven]

I think this reads really well, and fits what you are trying to get across much better than the first version. I'm wanting to know what happens next. Just a few things below, that I noticed when reading.

‘Looking for you, silly.’ She wrapped her arms around him and he was uncomfortably aware of her breasts pressing against his arm. ‘You are coming to the festival tomorrow, right?’

When I read this, I always see her putting her arms around him in a hug. And then I find myself surprised about his arm - is it folded across his chest. But perhaps I see things differently though, to everyone else.

Pace tried to step back, but her hands around his arm held him tight. He cleared his throat, trying to regain some sense of calm. Elizabeth liked to play this game with him, from the moment they had first met she had been trying to find any reason she could to tease him - and any other man she met for that matter.

Here is suprised me, to find she had her hands around his arm.

‘And Kateryn, she will be there too?’ He held his breath, fearing the answer she might give. Elizabeth’s smile slid from her face; she started to pout.

I really like this. The smile slid, and the pout. I can see this so clearly.

Elizabeth did not look convinced at all. What is it with women? They all go mad at this time of the year. He hoped Kateryn wouldn’t be like this. Elizabeth glared at him, pulling her arms free. She lashed out at him with her fist.

Pulling her arms free, makes me feel her hands are trapped. Perhaps removing her hands, or releasing him from her grasp?


I've really enjoyed reading your story. Thanks for sharing.

 

[Warren_Paul]

I've really enjoyed reading your story. Thanks for sharing.

Thanks, Crystal Haven.

I'll look into the arms thing, and work out a way to make the picture a bit clearer. It was intended to be her grabbing his arm, not a full hug.

 

[Glitch]

just so you know, the idea to make it seem like Elizabeth was angry with Kateryn was Gumboot's idea, not mine.

My apologies both. I was tired when I posted that; I remember reading the comment earlier in the day and just assumed it was Warren's.

The conversation between Tad and Pace is much better.

Now I know a bit more of what you are intending, this line stands out.

Elizabeth liked to play this game with him, from the moment they had first met she had been trying to find any reason she could to tease him - and any other man she met for that matter.

This last part 'and any other man she met for that matter.' takes away some of the strength of Elizabeth's feelings for Pace. Instead of seeming her flirting with him because she likes him; I see her flirting with every man regardless.

 

[Warren_Paul]

This last part 'and any other man she met for that matter.' takes away some of the strength of Elizabeth's feelings for Pace. Instead of seeming her flirting with him because she likes him; I see her flirting with every man regardless.

Hmm, yes, but this is from Pace's PoV, not Elizabeth. It is how Pace sees it. If I showed it from Elizabeth's PoV that comment would be quite different. -Remember the unreliable narrator, just because Pace thinks it, doesn't mean it's true.