Naive Character Scene

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Warren_Paul

Banishment this world!
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Just for you, Springs ;)

In relation to the post I made in GWD, I've put up an amended version of the scene for critique to see if it is still stupidly obvious, or if things are fine as they are.

A wee bit on the big side: 991 words.

***​

Pace rummaged through his pocket, pulling free the few sparse coppers he had. He glared at them, it wasn’t much. I will get more tonight though.

‘There you are, Pace.’

Pace started at the sound of his name. He blinked, focusing on the brown haired girl walking towards him, wearing one of the prettiest dresses he had ever seen. His eyes were glued to the tousled blue and white gown, like a multitude of waves, lapping over top of each other.

He blinked again, realising she stood right in front of him; he couldn’t believe she had navigated the chaos of the crowd so effortlessly in that dress. ‘Elizabeth, what are you doing here?’

‘Looking for you, silly.’ She wrapped her arms around him and he was uncomfortably aware of her breasts pressing against his arm. ‘You are coming to the festival tomorrow, right?’

‘Of course,’ Pace said, embarrassment burning up his cheeks. ‘Are you going to be there?’

‘Of course I am. We wouldn’t be able to dance otherwise, would we?’ She leaned in close, giving him a mischievous grin.

Pace tried to step back, but her hands around his arm held him tight. He cleared his throat, trying to regain some sense of calm. Elizabeth liked to play this game with him, from the moment they had first met she had been trying to find any reason she could to tease him - and any other man she met for that matter.

‘And Kateryn, she will be there too?’ He held his breath, fearing the answer she might give. Elizabeth’s smile slid from her face; she started to pout again.

‘Yes, and I suppose Kateryn too.’ She did not look happy to even mention their friend’s name. ‘But you are going to dance with me first!’

Her angry eyes were pointing daggers at him, as if daring him to give her an excuse to hit him. Elizabeth could be scary sometimes; he still wore the bruise from the last time she had resorted to physical violence.

‘Alright, you first, I hear you,’ he said.

Elizabeth did not look convinced at all. What is it with women? They all go mad at this time of the year. He hoped Kateryn wouldn’t be like this. Elizabeth glared at him, pulling her arms free. He cringed at the sudden pain where her fist had struck his arm.

‘What was that for?’ He gave her a hurt look as he rubbed his arm.

‘You were thinking about her, I can see it, you’re always thinking about her.’ He blinked, was it such a bad thing? Why wasn’t he allowed to think about Kateryn? Did she really blame him; there was something different about Kateryn which appeared to draw men’s attention when she was around, Pace included.

Elizabeth started to walk away, and Pace stared at her for a moment, before shrugging his shoulders and following after, catching up to Elizabeth in time to hear her jabbering.

‘Kateryn, Kateryn, Kateryn, it’s always about Kateryn. What did Kateryn do today, will she be there; will you see her today? Even back home Mother couldn’t think of anyone else to talk about, so excited she was to ship me off here. I exist too!’

‘Breathe, Lizzy,’ Pace said, and caught her arm, bringing them to a stop.

Elizabeth started, blinking wide brown eyes at him. ‘I was rambling again, wasn’t I?’ She bit her lower lip as she gave him a sad look.

Pace grinned at her. ‘You know, I think you’re cute when you’re flustered.’

She shrugged his arm away, glaring furiously. ‘Oh great, I’m cute now am I? Coming from you it means I might as well just shoot myself now and be done with the misery.’

Pace took a step back; confused by the anger in her voice. He held up his hands, waving them at her. ‘Hey, I am sure there will be some charming guy out there just waiting to meet you, maybe even tomorrow; it is after all the festival of lovers.’

Her face turned furious, anger raging in her eyes. She turned away, storming off into the crowd.

Pace blinked, recognising the man who leapt to the side when she barged past him. The man quickly stepped back when a cart trundled past, spattering him with mud.

The man glared at the retreating woman, looking like he was about to spew a series of complaints. He stopped though, when he saw who the woman was. Shaking his head, he continued walking, until he saw Pace.

‘What bee got up her skirts,’ Tad said.

Pace shrugged. ‘Women, who can ever understand them?’

Tad scrunched up his nose in an over exaggerated frown and stared back towards the crowd, as if he could still see Elizabeth.

Pace shook his head, thinking it all rather ridiculous. ‘You would think she had just been refused by a man, the way she was acting. Any guy would be mad not to give her any attention.’

Tad laughed, surprising Pace. ‘My dear Pace, you are utterly hopeless.’ He shook his head at him and turned away, waving his hand as he left Pace behind, feeling quite confused. Tad turned to look at Pace, continuing to walk backwards.

‘I had heard you were going mad. I didn’t want to believe it at first, yet now I find it hard to deny; it was by your own words after all.’

Tad swept his hat off his head, holding it to his chest as he made an elaborate bow. Pace blinked at him, he couldn’t be more confused. Tad grinned, placed his hat back on his head and in a twirl of leather coat he vanished into the crowd.

Pace sighed; he was thinking too hard, trying to figure it all out caused his headache to flare. Visiting to Old Lady Mordie was becoming more appealing by the second.

*​
 
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I'm conflicted regarding on if Pace is appearing too stupid or not. On the one hand, Elizabeth is being about as subtle as an 18 wheeler and he should notice. On the other, at least he's being called out on it.

The problem I have is that he seems to like Elizabeth too. In my experience, when you like someone you're often looking for any clues they might like you back.
 
Interesting, what in that scene makes you think Pace likes her in that way? and not just as best friends in a standard 'friend zone' situation?
 
this is better WP, you're giving me some history, some more of the interations - or rather less to distract me from the interaction. And he appears a little less dense here.
 
Warren, I don't have time to do a proper critique at the mo, so I hope you won't mind if I just make a few comments.

I got confused. At first, I thought Pace was just very shy, but perhaps interested.
She wrapped her arms around him and he was uncomfortably aware of her breasts pressing against his arm.
This gives the impression of a guy unused or uncomfortable with close contact (no pun intended) with the opposite sex.


Then, I got the impression that he liked Elizabeth as a friend and was more interested in Kateryn.


Then, I wasn't sure, when you gave what could be a hint of true feelings.
Any guy would be mad not to give her any attention
I wondered if he was denying his own feelings, or just being more than a little dense about her feelings whilst trying (and failing) to be supportive.


On a slightly different note - some of the speech inflections seem to be slightly off, for example:
Even back home Mother couldn’t think of anyone else to talk about, so excited she was to ship me off here
Then again, I don't know if that's just how she talks in the larger context of your story.


Over all, I'm curious about where this would go. It's obvious she's into him and he doesn't get it, which is a great start for many a story. However, I think you could make Pace a bit clearer to the reader: what DOES he want at this stage; does he himself know?

Hope this helps. Good luck.:)
 
Warren, I don't have time to do a proper critique at the mo, so I hope you won't mind if I just make a few comments.

I got confused. At first, I thought Pace was just very shy, but perhaps interested.This gives the impression of a guy unused or uncomfortable with close contact (no pun intended) with the opposite sex.

Then, I got the impression that he liked Elizabeth as a friend and was more interested in Kateryn.

Both are true really, he is uncomfortable around Elizabeth, he likes Kateryn, which was made very clear before this scene started. So in context would think the second from the beginning.

Then, I wasn't sure, when you gave what could be a hint of true feelings.I wondered if he was denying his own feelings, or just being more than a little dense about her feelings whilst trying (and failing) to be supportive.

Hmm, not being sure what it is might actually work in this case, but it was supposed to be the second: 'trying to be supportive but failing'.


Over all, I'm curious about where this would go. It's obvious she's into him and he doesn't get it, which is a great start for many a story. However, I think you could make Pace a bit clearer to the reader: what DOES he want at this stage; does he himself know?

That's a good question, does Pace really know? ;)

And this leads me to the question: Is being confused about what he is really feeling here an idea that might work?

Thanks, Aber
 
Just for you, Springs ;)

In relation to the post I made in GWD, I've put up an amended version of the scene for critique to see if it is still stupidly obvious, or if things are fine as they are.

A wee bit on the big side: 991 words.

***​

Pace rummaged through his pocket, pulling free the few sparse coppers he had. He glared at them, it wasn’t much. I will get more tonight though.

‘There you are, Pace.’

Pace started at the sound of his name. He blinked, focusing on the brown haired girl walking towards him, wearing one of the prettiest dresses he had ever seen. Most guys are less interested in the dress and more interested in what's inside dress.His eyes were glued to the tousled blue and white gown, like a multitude of waves, lapping over top of each other.

He blinked again, realising she stood right in front of him; he couldn’t believe she had navigated the chaos of the crowd so effortlessly in that dress. ‘Elizabeth, what are you doing here?’

‘Looking for you, silly.’ She wrapped her arms around him and he was uncomfortably aware of her breasts pressing against his arm. ‘You are coming to the festival tomorrow, right?’

‘Of course,’ Pace said, embarrassment burning up his cheeks. ‘Are you going to be there?’

‘Of course I am. We wouldn’t be able to dance otherwise, would we?’ She leaned in close, giving him a mischievous grin.

Pace tried to step back, but her hands around his arm held him tight. He cleared his throat, trying to regain some sense of calm. Elizabeth liked to play this game with him, from the moment they had first met she had been trying to find any reason she could to tease him - and any other man she met for that matter.

‘And Kateryn, she will be there too?’ He held his breath, fearing the answer she might give. Elizabeth’s smile slid from her face; she started to pout again.

‘Yes, and I suppose Kateryn too.’ She did not look happy to even mention their friend’s name. ‘But you are going to dance with me first!’

Her angry eyes were pointing daggers at him, as if daring him to give her an excuse to hit him. Elizabeth could be scary sometimes; he still wore the bruise from the last time she had resorted to physical violence.

‘Alright, you first, I hear you,’ he said.

Elizabeth did not look convinced at all. What is it with women? They all go mad at this time of the year. He hoped Kateryn wouldn’t be like this. Elizabeth glared at him, pulling her arms free. He cringed at the sudden pain where her fist had? struck his arm.Her fist struck his arm, and he cringed at the sudden pain.

‘What was that for?’ He gave her a hurt look as he rubbed his arm.

‘You were thinking about her, I can see it, you’re always thinking about her.’ He blinked, was it such a bad thing? Why wasn’t he allowed to think about Kateryn? Did she really blame him; there was something different about Kateryn which appeared to draw men’s attention when she was around, Pace included.

Elizabeth started to walk away, and Pace stared at her for a moment, before shrugging his shoulders and following after, catching up to Elizabeth in time to hear her jabbering.

‘Kateryn, Kateryn, Kateryn, it’s always about Kateryn. What did Kateryn do today, will she be there; will you see her today? Even back home Mother couldn’t think of anyone else to talk about, so excited she was to ship me off here. I exist too!’This gets a little confusing. Kateryn and Elizabeth have BOTH been shipped off "here", yet they are not sisters? So both of them need a reason to be shipped off here.

‘Breathe, Lizzy,’ Pace said, and caught her arm, bringing them to a stop.

Elizabeth started, blinking wide brown eyes at him. ‘I was rambling again, wasn’t I?’ She bit her lower lip as she gave him a sad look.

Pace grinned at her. ‘You know, I think you’re cute when you’re flustered.’

She shrugged his arm away, glaring furiously. ‘Oh great, I’m cute now am I? Coming from you it means I might as well just shoot myself now and be done with the misery.’

Pace took a step back; confused by the anger in her voice. He held up his hands, waving them at her. ‘Hey, I am sure there will be some charming guy out there just waiting to meet you, maybe even tomorrow; it is after all the festival of lovers.’

Her face turned furious, anger raging in her eyes. She turned away, storming off into the crowd.

Pace blinked, recognising the man who leapt to the side when she barged past him. The man quickly stepped back when a cart trundled past, spattering him with mud.

The man glared at the retreating woman, looking like he was about to spew a series of complaints. He stopped though, when he saw who the woman was. Shaking his head, he continued walking, until he saw Pace.

‘What bee got up her skirts,’ Tad said.

Pace shrugged. ‘Women, who can ever understand them?’

Tad scrunched up his nose in an over exaggerated frown and stared back towards the crowd, as if he could still see Elizabeth.

Pace shook his head, thinking it all rather ridiculous. ‘You would think she had just been refused by a man, the way she was acting. Any guy would be mad not to give her any attention.’

Tad laughed, surprising Pace. ‘My dear Pace, you are utterly hopeless.’ He shook his head at him and turned away, waving his hand as he left Pace behind, feeling quite confused. Tad turned to look at Pace, continuing to walk backwards.

‘I had heard you were going mad. I didn’t want to believe it at first, yet now I find it hard to deny; it was by your own words after all.’

Tad swept his hat off his head, holding it to his chest as he made an elaborate bow. Pace blinked at him,; he couldn’t be more confused. Tad grinned, placed his hat back on his head and in a twirl of leather coat he vanished into the crowd.

Pace sighed; he was thinking too hard, trying to figure it all out caused his headache to flare. Visiting to Old Lady Mordie was becoming more appealing by the second.

*​

Hi Warren,

Just a couple of minor quibbles in red.

If he's fixed his sights on Kateryn, and thinks of Elizabeth as a friend, then the naivety and the discomfort at breasts-on-the-arm are all reasonable, imho.
 
I think confusion can work. Showing my age here, but if you've ever seen the movie Some Kind of Wonderful, one of John Hughes' offerings, it makes my point. Boy, with best friend a girl. Boy pursues different girl, then finds himself conflicted over who he really wants.

If I knew that he was confused, I'd find that helpful. In that case, he could very easily say and do all the wrong things, not knowing which way to turn. See, I can identify with confused.:)
 
‘Kateryn, Kateryn, Kateryn, it’s always about Kateryn. What did Kateryn do today, will she be there; will you see her today? Even back home Mother couldn’t think of anyone else to talk about, so excited she was to ship me off here. I exist too!’This gets a little confusing. Kateryn and Elizabeth have BOTH been shipped off "here", yet they are not sisters? So both of them need a reason to be shipped off here.

hmm, I need to add something there. Kateryn wasn't with Elizabeth. Elizabeth was sent to Windreach by her mother to be Kateryn's lady-in-waiting. Although that dialogue is not exactly supposed to make sense in the first place...
 
Ah, makes more sense now. I assumed Kateryn and Elizabeth had both been "there" (where Elizabeth's mother could talk about nothing but Kateryn), and now they were both "here", where Elizabeth had been "shipped off to".
 
I was a little confused by Pace and his feelings for Elizabeth:
One – during the hug when he got some breast.
Two – the dress, mentioned more than once by Pace.
Three – the bruise he got from her – this could be the story section and I’m missing information, but it seemed a little odd.
Pace seemed like he was not the sharpest tool in the box, I think having a little more from Pace; what he thinks would clear that up.

Elizabeth was as subtle as a brick; a little less obvious maybe?
Otherwise it felt fine, I got a very good feel for what was happening and overall worked very well. I liked the bee comment, it was a nice touch.
 
Warren, there were two parts of this I interpreted as Pace liking Elizabeth:

1) The part where she hugs him and he notices her breasts. I've had a lot of female friends over the years, and in my experience if you're not interested you don't really notice their breasts when they hug you - this could just be me.

2) The line "Any guy would be mad not to give her any attention". He obviously thinks she's desirable, else why would he say this?
 
The only bit of the scene that really jars for me is:

‘You would think she had just been refused by a man, the way she was acting. Any guy would be mad not to give her any attention.’

It's a little too obvious, in my opinion, and it makes the suggestion that Pace is into her, as others have mentioned. It also makes Pace seem incredibly dense. People miss things because the explanation hasn't even occured to them, not because they've thought about the explanation and rejected it. The last thing you want Pace thinking about is Elizabeth offering herself and getting rejected. He has to be totally oblivious to that going on; interpreting the entire episode in totally the wrong way.

What if you went the other way, and he made a comment along the lines of "Why's she so jealous of Kateryn? She could have any man she wanted."

This removes the badly pointed "Like she'd just been refused by a man" line, and makes it more so Pace has misinterpreted her mood for dislike of Kateryn rather than being directed at his rejection. Pace has essentially misinterpreted the entire scene, thinking Kateryn has annoyed Elizabeth in some way, and she's annoyed at her.

Meanwhile it retains irony (but not quite so obviously) because of course she can't have any man she wants, indeed perhaps the only man she can't have is the one she wants.
 
Another thing that occurs, if Elizabeth was confident enough to be obvious about her interest in Pace, I think she would just outright state it to his face. The reason people generally don't state it outright is because they're afraid of rejection, in which case they'll only offer subtle hints of their interest, until they're sure the feeling is reciprocated (this is, in fact, one of the primary sources of heartache as those hints are often so subtle they're not detected). In that regard Elizabeth's behaviour probably needs to be pulled back a little, and her remarks made more general. So when Pace brings up Kateryn, she shouldn't respond directly to his interest in her (that might reveal she likes him), but rather to the general and widespread interest expressed by all men towards Kateryn.

So for example perhaps instead of demanding he dances with her before Kateryn, she could remark that everyone will want to dance with Kateryn, or something along those lines, so it seems like Elizabeth's annoyance is directed at mankind's general interest in Kateryn rather than Pace's personal interest in her.
 
hmm. thanks Gumboot, a lot to digest there.

I did originally have a line wondering if she was jealous, but got told that made Pace look thick. But it was in a difference place in the narrative, his internal thoughts. If I did it as the dialogue, it might come across differently, like how you pointed out.

I'll have to change what Tad says at the end as well though, otherwise it will no longer make sense.

Off to think about it...


Warren, there were two parts of this I interpreted as Pace liking Elizabeth:

1) The part where she hugs him and he notices her breasts. I've had a lot of female friends over the years, and in my experience if you're not interested you don't really notice their breasts when they hug you - this could just be me.

2) The line "Any guy would be mad not to give her any attention". He obviously thinks she's desirable, else why would he say this?

#1 I thought every guy notices every women's breasts. :rolleyes: :p - Unless of course it's family. to a certain degree it's hardwired into us I think. So your saying you wouldn't feel uncomfortable if you touched a woman's breasts unintentionally?

#2 Already thinking about changing that, as per Gumboot's advice, so will see.
 
***​

Pace rummaged through his pocket, pulling free the few sparse coppers he had. He glared at them, semi-colon? it wasn’t much. I will get more tonight though.

‘There you are, Pace.’

Pace started at the sound of his name. He blinked, focusing on the brown haired girl walking towards him, wearing one of the prettiest dresses he had ever seen. His eyes were glued to the tousled blue and white gown, like a multitude of waves, lapping over top of each other.

He blinked again, realising she stood right in front of him; he couldn’t believe she had navigated the chaos of the crowd so effortlessly in that dress. ‘Elizabeth, what are you doing here?’

‘Looking for you, silly.’ She wrapped her arms around him and he was uncomfortably aware of her breasts pressing against his arm. ‘You are coming to the festival tomorrow, right?’

‘Of course,’ Pace said, embarrassment burning up his cheeks. ‘Are you going to be there?’

‘Of course I am. We wouldn’t be able to dance otherwise, would we?’ She leaned in close, giving him a mischievous grin.

Pace tried to step back, but her hands around his arm held him tight. He cleared his throat, trying to regain some sense of calm. Elizabeth liked to play this game with him, from the moment they had first met she had been trying to find any reason she could to tease him - and any other man she met for that matter.The last sentence coloured the whole piece for me. It gives the impression he thinks she's, er, indiscriminate in her affections, and that's why he doesn't cop on that she really likes him

‘And Kateryn, she will be there too?’ He held his breath, fearing the answer she might give. Elizabeth’s smile slid from her face; she started to pout again.

‘Yes, and I suppose Kateryn too.’ She did not look happy to even mention their friend’s name. ‘But you are going to dance with me first!’

Her angry eyes were pointing daggers at him, as if daring him to give her an excuse to hit him. Elizabeth could be scary sometimes; he still wore the bruise from the last time she had resorted to physical violence.

‘Alright, you first, I hear you,’ he said.

Elizabeth did not look convinced at all. What is it with women? They all go mad at this time of the year. He hoped Kateryn wouldn’t be like this. Elizabeth glared at him, pulling her arms free. He cringed at the sudden pain where her fist had struck his arm. Maybe girls do this all the time these days, but I'm getting the feeling she's a potential bunny boiler and that's a reason he isn't tuned in to her

‘What was that for?’ He gave her a hurt look as he rubbed his arm. "his arm" twice so close stood out a little

‘You were thinking about her, I can see it, you’re always thinking about her.’ He blinked, was it such a bad thing? Why wasn’t he allowed to think about Kateryn? Did she really blame him; there was something different about Kateryn which appeared to draw men’s attention when she was around, Pace included.

Elizabeth started to walk away, and Pace stared at her for a moment, before shrugging his shoulders and following after, catching up to Elizabeth in time to hear her jabbering.

‘Kateryn, Kateryn, Kateryn, it’s always about Kateryn. What did Kateryn do today, will she be there; will you see her today? Even back home Mother couldn’t think of anyone else to talk about, so excited she was to ship me off here. I exist too!’

‘Breathe, Lizzy,’ Pace said, and caught her arm, bringing them to a stop.

Elizabeth started, blinking wide brown eyes at him. ‘I was rambling again, wasn’t I?’ She bit her lower lip as she gave him a sad look.

Pace grinned at her. ‘You know, I think you’re cute when you’re flustered.’

She shrugged his arm away, glaring furiously. ‘Oh great, I’m cute now am I? Coming from you it means I might as well just shoot myself now and be done with the misery.’

Pace took a step back; confused by the anger in her voice. He held up his hands, waving them at her. ‘Hey, I am sure there will be some charming guy out there just waiting to meet you, maybe even tomorrow; it is after all the festival of lovers.’

Her face turned furious, anger raging in her eyes. She turned away, storming off into the crowd.

Pace blinked, recognising the man who leapt to the side when she barged past him. The man quickly stepped back when a cart trundled past, spattering him with mud.

The man glared at the retreating woman, looking like he was about to spew a series of complaints. He stopped though, when he saw who the woman was. Shaking his head, he continued walking, until he saw Pace.

‘What bee got up her skirts,’ Tad said.

Pace shrugged. ‘Women, who can ever understand them?’

Tad scrunched up his nose in an over exaggerated frown and stared back towards the crowd, as if he could still see Elizabeth.

Pace shook his head, thinking it all rather ridiculous. ‘You would think she had just been refused by a man, the way she was acting. Any guy would be mad not to give her any attention.’ He does come across as a little thick in the first sentence, and the second just doesn't follow logically from the first.

Tad laughed, surprising Pace. ‘My dear Pace, you are utterly hopeless.’ He shook his head at him and turned away, waving his hand as he left Pace behind, feeling quite confused. Tad turned to look at Pace, continuing to walk backwards.

‘I had heard you were going mad. I didn’t want to believe it at first, yet now I find it hard to deny; it was by your own words after all.’

Tad swept his hat off his head, holding it to his chest as he made an elaborate bow. Pace blinked at him, he couldn’t be more confused. Tad grinned, placed his hat back on his head and in a twirl of leather coat he vanished into the crowd.

Pace sighed; he was thinking too hard, trying to figure it all out caused his headache to flare. Visiting to Old Lady Mordie was becoming more appealing by the second.

*​

Apart from that, it's very well written and I kind of want to meet Elizabeth.
 
Pace started at the sound of his name. He blinked, focusing on the brown haired girl walking towards him, wearing one of the prettiest dresses he had ever seen. His eyes were glued to the tousled blue and white gown, like a multitude of waves, lapping over top of each other.

If his eyes are glued to the tousled blue and white gown then I don't think she'll get her man, no matter how hard she tries ;)

I get the impression Pace is uncomfortable around women, or at least around Elizabeth.

‘I was rambling again, wasn’t I?’ She bit her lower lip as she gave him a sad look.

This seemed out of character for Elizabeth. From the little I've learnt about her so far.

‘Oh great, I’m cute now am I?

This seems more what I would expect from Elizabeth.

‘You would think she had just been refused by a man, the way she was acting. Any guy would be mad not to give her any attention.’

This does seem a bit too obvious. If you want him to be naive, then perhaps he should be baffled as to why she stormed off ?

It's an interesting piece. But to me, it doesn't say what you asked for in GWD.
 
Thanks for the replies everyone, yes the feedback I'm getting is that the last bit of dialogue from Pace is the culprit and needs changing.


EDIT: Lets see if this sounds better...


‘What bee got up her skirts,’ Tad said.

Pace shrugged. ‘Women, who can ever understand them?’

Tad scrunched up his nose in an over exaggerated frown and stared back towards the crowd, as if he could still see Elizabeth.

Pace shook his head, thinking it all rather ridiculous. ‘Sometimes I wonder what the point is in even having friends - and people think I’m going mad.’

Tad laughed, surprising Pace. ‘My dear Pace, you are utterly hopeless.’ He shook his head and turned away, waving his hand as he left Pace behind, staring in confusion at his back.

Tad turned to look at Pace, continuing to walk backwards. ‘Try looking a bit closer to home next time, you might be surprised.’ He swept his hat off his head, holding it to his chest as he made an elaborate bow.

Pace blinked at him in confusion. Tad grinned, placed his hat back on his head and in a twirl of leather coat he vanished into the crowd.
 
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Pace shook his head, thinking it all rather ridiculous. ‘Sometimes I wonder what the point is in even having friends - and people think I’m going mad.’

Makes him sound a little bitter. I liked your idea of him thinking Elizabeth was angry/upset with Kateryn.
 
Makes him sound a little bitter. I liked your idea of him thinking Elizabeth was angry/upset with Kateryn.

Right again, Glitch, and just so you know, the idea to make it seem like Elizabeth was angry with Kateryn was Gumboot's idea, not mine. But the more I read it, the more I liked Gumboot's idea, so I've tried to implement it. Hopefully I pulled it off.

The whole scene, reworked to suit:

***​

Pace rummaged through his pocket, pulling free the few sparse coppers he had. He glared at them; it wasn’t much. I will get more tonight though.

‘There you are, Pace.’

Pace started at the sound of his name. He blinked, focusing on the brown haired girl walking towards him, wearing one of the prettiest dresses he had ever seen. His eyes were glued to the tousled blue and white gown, like a multitude of waves, lapping over top of each other.

He blinked again, realising she stood right in front of him; he couldn’t believe she had navigated the chaos of the crowd so effortlessly in that dress. ‘Elizabeth, what are you doing here?’

‘Looking for you, silly.’ She wrapped her arms around him and he was uncomfortably aware of her breasts pressing against his arm. ‘You are coming to the festival tomorrow, right?’

‘Of course,’ Pace said, embarrassment burning up his cheeks. ‘Are you going to be there?’

She leaned in close, giving him a mischievous grin. ‘Of course I am. We wouldn’t be able to dance otherwise, would we?’

Pace tried to step back, but her hands around his arm held him tight. He cleared his throat, trying to regain some sense of calm. Elizabeth liked to play this game with him, from the moment they had first met she had been trying to find any reason she could to tease him - and any other man she met for that matter.

‘And Kateryn, she will be there too?’ He held his breath, fearing the answer she might give. Elizabeth’s smile slid from her face; she started to pout.

‘Yes, and I suppose Kateryn too.’ She did not look happy to even mention their friend’s name. ‘But everyone will want to dance with Kateryn; you should dance with me first.’

Her determined eyes pointed daggers at him, as if daring him to give her an excuse to hit him. Elizabeth could be scary sometimes; he still wore the bruise from the last time she had resorted to physical violence.

‘Alright, you first, I hear you,’ he said.

Elizabeth did not look convinced at all. What is it with women? They all go mad at this time of the year. He hoped Kateryn wouldn’t be like this. Elizabeth glared at him, pulling her arms free. She lashed out at him with her fist.

Pace cringed at the sudden pain, and gave her a hurt look as he rubbed his arm. ‘What was that for?’

‘You were thinking about her, I can see it, everyone is always thinking about her.’ He blinked, was it such a bad thing? Why wasn’t he allowed to think about Kateryn? Did she really blame him; there was something different about Kateryn which appeared to draw men’s attention when she was around, Pace included.

Elizabeth started to walk away, and Pace stared at her for a moment, before shrugging his shoulders and following after, catching up to Elizabeth in time to hear her jabbering.

‘Kateryn, Kateryn, Kateryn, it’s always about Kateryn. What did Kateryn do today, will she be there; will you see her today? Even before I’d even met Kateryn, Mother couldn’t think of anyone else to talk about, so excited she was to ship me off here. I exist too!’

‘Breathe, Lizzy,’ Pace said, and caught her arm, bringing them to a stop. Pace grinned at her. ‘You know, I think you’re cute when you’re flustered.’

She shrugged his arm away, glaring furiously. ‘Oh great, I’m cute now am I? Coming from you it means I might as well just shoot myself now and be done with the misery.’

Pace took a step back; confused by the anger in her voice. He held up his hands, waving them at her. ‘Hey, I am sure there will be some charming guy out there just waiting to meet you, maybe even tomorrow; it is after all the festival of lovers.’

Her face darkened; anger raged in her eyes. She turned away, storming off into the crowd.

Pace blinked, recognising the man who leapt to the side when she barged past him. The man quickly stepped back when a cart trundled past, spattering him with mud. He glared at the retreating woman, looking like he was about to spew a series of complaints. He stopped though, when he saw who the woman was. Shaking his head, he continued walking, until he saw Pace.

‘What bee got up her skirts,’ Tad said.

Pace shrugged. ‘Women, who can ever understand them?’

Tad scrunched up his nose in an over exaggerated frown and stared back towards the crowd, as if he could still see Elizabeth.

Pace shook his head, thinking it all rather ridiculous. ‘Why’s she so jealous of Kateryn? She could have any man she wanted.’

Tad laughed, surprising Pace. ‘My dear Pace, you are utterly hopeless.’ He shook his head and turned away, waving his hand as he left Pace behind, staring in confusion at his back.

Tad turned to look at Pace, continuing to walk backwards. ‘Try looking a bit closer to home next time, you might be surprised.’ He swept his hat off his head, holding it to his chest as he made an elaborate bow.

Pace blinked at him in confusion. Tad grinned, placed his hat back on his head and in a twirl of leather coat he vanished into the crowd.

Pace sighed; he was thinking too hard, trying to figure it all out caused his headache to flare. Visiting Old Lady Mordie was becoming more appealing by the second.
 
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