Warren_Paul
Banishment this world!
Just for you, Springs
In relation to the post I made in GWD, I've put up an amended version of the scene for critique to see if it is still stupidly obvious, or if things are fine as they are.
A wee bit on the big side: 991 words.
Pace rummaged through his pocket, pulling free the few sparse coppers he had. He glared at them, it wasn’t much. I will get more tonight though.
‘There you are, Pace.’
Pace started at the sound of his name. He blinked, focusing on the brown haired girl walking towards him, wearing one of the prettiest dresses he had ever seen. His eyes were glued to the tousled blue and white gown, like a multitude of waves, lapping over top of each other.
He blinked again, realising she stood right in front of him; he couldn’t believe she had navigated the chaos of the crowd so effortlessly in that dress. ‘Elizabeth, what are you doing here?’
‘Looking for you, silly.’ She wrapped her arms around him and he was uncomfortably aware of her breasts pressing against his arm. ‘You are coming to the festival tomorrow, right?’
‘Of course,’ Pace said, embarrassment burning up his cheeks. ‘Are you going to be there?’
‘Of course I am. We wouldn’t be able to dance otherwise, would we?’ She leaned in close, giving him a mischievous grin.
Pace tried to step back, but her hands around his arm held him tight. He cleared his throat, trying to regain some sense of calm. Elizabeth liked to play this game with him, from the moment they had first met she had been trying to find any reason she could to tease him - and any other man she met for that matter.
‘And Kateryn, she will be there too?’ He held his breath, fearing the answer she might give. Elizabeth’s smile slid from her face; she started to pout again.
‘Yes, and I suppose Kateryn too.’ She did not look happy to even mention their friend’s name. ‘But you are going to dance with me first!’
Her angry eyes were pointing daggers at him, as if daring him to give her an excuse to hit him. Elizabeth could be scary sometimes; he still wore the bruise from the last time she had resorted to physical violence.
‘Alright, you first, I hear you,’ he said.
Elizabeth did not look convinced at all. What is it with women? They all go mad at this time of the year. He hoped Kateryn wouldn’t be like this. Elizabeth glared at him, pulling her arms free. He cringed at the sudden pain where her fist had struck his arm.
‘What was that for?’ He gave her a hurt look as he rubbed his arm.
‘You were thinking about her, I can see it, you’re always thinking about her.’ He blinked, was it such a bad thing? Why wasn’t he allowed to think about Kateryn? Did she really blame him; there was something different about Kateryn which appeared to draw men’s attention when she was around, Pace included.
Elizabeth started to walk away, and Pace stared at her for a moment, before shrugging his shoulders and following after, catching up to Elizabeth in time to hear her jabbering.
‘Kateryn, Kateryn, Kateryn, it’s always about Kateryn. What did Kateryn do today, will she be there; will you see her today? Even back home Mother couldn’t think of anyone else to talk about, so excited she was to ship me off here. I exist too!’
‘Breathe, Lizzy,’ Pace said, and caught her arm, bringing them to a stop.
Elizabeth started, blinking wide brown eyes at him. ‘I was rambling again, wasn’t I?’ She bit her lower lip as she gave him a sad look.
Pace grinned at her. ‘You know, I think you’re cute when you’re flustered.’
She shrugged his arm away, glaring furiously. ‘Oh great, I’m cute now am I? Coming from you it means I might as well just shoot myself now and be done with the misery.’
Pace took a step back; confused by the anger in her voice. He held up his hands, waving them at her. ‘Hey, I am sure there will be some charming guy out there just waiting to meet you, maybe even tomorrow; it is after all the festival of lovers.’
Her face turned furious, anger raging in her eyes. She turned away, storming off into the crowd.
Pace blinked, recognising the man who leapt to the side when she barged past him. The man quickly stepped back when a cart trundled past, spattering him with mud.
The man glared at the retreating woman, looking like he was about to spew a series of complaints. He stopped though, when he saw who the woman was. Shaking his head, he continued walking, until he saw Pace.
‘What bee got up her skirts,’ Tad said.
Pace shrugged. ‘Women, who can ever understand them?’
Tad scrunched up his nose in an over exaggerated frown and stared back towards the crowd, as if he could still see Elizabeth.
Pace shook his head, thinking it all rather ridiculous. ‘You would think she had just been refused by a man, the way she was acting. Any guy would be mad not to give her any attention.’
Tad laughed, surprising Pace. ‘My dear Pace, you are utterly hopeless.’ He shook his head at him and turned away, waving his hand as he left Pace behind, feeling quite confused. Tad turned to look at Pace, continuing to walk backwards.
‘I had heard you were going mad. I didn’t want to believe it at first, yet now I find it hard to deny; it was by your own words after all.’
Tad swept his hat off his head, holding it to his chest as he made an elaborate bow. Pace blinked at him, he couldn’t be more confused. Tad grinned, placed his hat back on his head and in a twirl of leather coat he vanished into the crowd.
Pace sighed; he was thinking too hard, trying to figure it all out caused his headache to flare. Visiting to Old Lady Mordie was becoming more appealing by the second.
In relation to the post I made in GWD, I've put up an amended version of the scene for critique to see if it is still stupidly obvious, or if things are fine as they are.
A wee bit on the big side: 991 words.
***
Pace rummaged through his pocket, pulling free the few sparse coppers he had. He glared at them, it wasn’t much. I will get more tonight though.
‘There you are, Pace.’
Pace started at the sound of his name. He blinked, focusing on the brown haired girl walking towards him, wearing one of the prettiest dresses he had ever seen. His eyes were glued to the tousled blue and white gown, like a multitude of waves, lapping over top of each other.
He blinked again, realising she stood right in front of him; he couldn’t believe she had navigated the chaos of the crowd so effortlessly in that dress. ‘Elizabeth, what are you doing here?’
‘Looking for you, silly.’ She wrapped her arms around him and he was uncomfortably aware of her breasts pressing against his arm. ‘You are coming to the festival tomorrow, right?’
‘Of course,’ Pace said, embarrassment burning up his cheeks. ‘Are you going to be there?’
‘Of course I am. We wouldn’t be able to dance otherwise, would we?’ She leaned in close, giving him a mischievous grin.
Pace tried to step back, but her hands around his arm held him tight. He cleared his throat, trying to regain some sense of calm. Elizabeth liked to play this game with him, from the moment they had first met she had been trying to find any reason she could to tease him - and any other man she met for that matter.
‘And Kateryn, she will be there too?’ He held his breath, fearing the answer she might give. Elizabeth’s smile slid from her face; she started to pout again.
‘Yes, and I suppose Kateryn too.’ She did not look happy to even mention their friend’s name. ‘But you are going to dance with me first!’
Her angry eyes were pointing daggers at him, as if daring him to give her an excuse to hit him. Elizabeth could be scary sometimes; he still wore the bruise from the last time she had resorted to physical violence.
‘Alright, you first, I hear you,’ he said.
Elizabeth did not look convinced at all. What is it with women? They all go mad at this time of the year. He hoped Kateryn wouldn’t be like this. Elizabeth glared at him, pulling her arms free. He cringed at the sudden pain where her fist had struck his arm.
‘What was that for?’ He gave her a hurt look as he rubbed his arm.
‘You were thinking about her, I can see it, you’re always thinking about her.’ He blinked, was it such a bad thing? Why wasn’t he allowed to think about Kateryn? Did she really blame him; there was something different about Kateryn which appeared to draw men’s attention when she was around, Pace included.
Elizabeth started to walk away, and Pace stared at her for a moment, before shrugging his shoulders and following after, catching up to Elizabeth in time to hear her jabbering.
‘Kateryn, Kateryn, Kateryn, it’s always about Kateryn. What did Kateryn do today, will she be there; will you see her today? Even back home Mother couldn’t think of anyone else to talk about, so excited she was to ship me off here. I exist too!’
‘Breathe, Lizzy,’ Pace said, and caught her arm, bringing them to a stop.
Elizabeth started, blinking wide brown eyes at him. ‘I was rambling again, wasn’t I?’ She bit her lower lip as she gave him a sad look.
Pace grinned at her. ‘You know, I think you’re cute when you’re flustered.’
She shrugged his arm away, glaring furiously. ‘Oh great, I’m cute now am I? Coming from you it means I might as well just shoot myself now and be done with the misery.’
Pace took a step back; confused by the anger in her voice. He held up his hands, waving them at her. ‘Hey, I am sure there will be some charming guy out there just waiting to meet you, maybe even tomorrow; it is after all the festival of lovers.’
Her face turned furious, anger raging in her eyes. She turned away, storming off into the crowd.
Pace blinked, recognising the man who leapt to the side when she barged past him. The man quickly stepped back when a cart trundled past, spattering him with mud.
The man glared at the retreating woman, looking like he was about to spew a series of complaints. He stopped though, when he saw who the woman was. Shaking his head, he continued walking, until he saw Pace.
‘What bee got up her skirts,’ Tad said.
Pace shrugged. ‘Women, who can ever understand them?’
Tad scrunched up his nose in an over exaggerated frown and stared back towards the crowd, as if he could still see Elizabeth.
Pace shook his head, thinking it all rather ridiculous. ‘You would think she had just been refused by a man, the way she was acting. Any guy would be mad not to give her any attention.’
Tad laughed, surprising Pace. ‘My dear Pace, you are utterly hopeless.’ He shook his head at him and turned away, waving his hand as he left Pace behind, feeling quite confused. Tad turned to look at Pace, continuing to walk backwards.
‘I had heard you were going mad. I didn’t want to believe it at first, yet now I find it hard to deny; it was by your own words after all.’
Tad swept his hat off his head, holding it to his chest as he made an elaborate bow. Pace blinked at him, he couldn’t be more confused. Tad grinned, placed his hat back on his head and in a twirl of leather coat he vanished into the crowd.
Pace sighed; he was thinking too hard, trying to figure it all out caused his headache to flare. Visiting to Old Lady Mordie was becoming more appealing by the second.
*
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