The Dubhglas(Short opening to chapter 453 words)

[svalbard]

Hi All,

This is a very short piece(possibly too short for a proper critique). Any feedback on how the thoughts of the characters work or do I have too many povs in such a short piece?

On a historical note I know of no Blackwater(Dubhglas) river in the part of England the story is set in. I plead writer's licence on this.

With red, raw eyes, Eoppa stared at the mild waters of the Dubhglas river. Those waters, scene of their recent victory and staging point into the invasion of the Briton lands around Sorvidunum now seemed to mock him with their placid flow. Silently he cursed Alle and his grandiose plans. Yes, they had gained a fortune in plunder, but at a price. Countless slaughtered warriors littered the roads beyond the river. He had led a thousand spearmen over the Dubhglas and now he had only half that number. Eoppa looked up at the darkening sky. A storm was approaching.


Not far from where Eoppa stood Aelle fretted over the disaster of the last number of days. He should have listened to Eoppa. The man knew this Arthur and what he was capable of. Aelle had believed it all myth and legend. The way the Jutes spoke of the Briton leader had at times made him want to vomit. Now he knew better. The earlier victory which at first had looked so overwhelming now seemed to have being a ruse played upon them. A trick to lull them into believing the joined warhosts of the Jutes and Saxons were victorious. How easily they had fallen for it and spread their warbands out across the land. That is when Arthur struck with his horsemen. Such havoc they had wielded using both javelin and arrows to cut them down. Not once did the Britons close with them. They rode close enough to taunt and cast their weapons and then rode away to be replaced with another band of riders. This was not the way of a warrior!


“They are here,” a voice called out.


Aelle focused on the far bank of the river and saw riders appear on the lightly wooded slopes leading down to the water. The few became dozens and then hundreds. Spearmen followed shouting and banging the hafts of their weapons against their shields. It was an old trick. It made them sound more than they actually were. The trick worked.


“We're ******!” Aelle heard a warrior close to him mutter. Not quite, thought the warleader.


Further down the river Withgar was thinking very much along the lines of the vast majority of the Saxon warhost. He was no coward, but he saw no sense in dying in a futile fight when there was every chance of them getting away into the safety of the lands of the South Saxons or the Jute kingdom of Kent. This was the line, this river. The Britons rarely crossed it these days. Withgar could not see the point of tempting them by giving Arthur a victory here. Decision made he made his way to find Eoppa.

 

[RJM Corbet]

Not far from where Eoppa stood, Aelle fretted over the disaster of the last number of days. He should have listened to Eoppa. The man knew this Arthur, and what he was capable of. Aelle had believed it all myth and legend. The way the Jutes spoke had spoken of the Briton leader had at times made him Aelle want to vomit. Now he knew better. The earlier victory, which at first had looked so overwhelming, now seemed to have being been a ruse played upon them. A trick to lull them into believing the joined warhosts of the Jutes and Saxons were had been victorious. How easily they had fallen for it and had spread their warbands out across the land. That is was when Arthur had struck with his horsemen. Such havoc they had wielded using both javelin and arrows to cut them down. Not once did had the Britons closed with them. They rode had ridden close enough to taunt and cast their weapons and then rode ridden away, to be replaced with another band of riders. This was not the way of a warrior!


Sorry Svalbard, the rest is fine and it looks like a good angle on Arthur, seen by the other side. I hope you're successful with it, because it's done well and is obviously something you have put a lot of research into.

Mixing the tenses in this paragraph, by trying to avoid 'hads' because they seem clumsy to you, takes the reader's attention away from the story.

Use the correct tense, as you would be required to do if you were writing in French or Latin or Sanskerit. It's the way English is constructed and the reader, in fact, will not find it clumsy.

I chucked in a few commas. You might disagree, because of course it's just my own feeling that the rhythm needs a pause in those sentences.

All the best with it ...

 

[Damiynn]

With red, raw eyes, Eoppa stared at the mild waters of the Dubhglas river. Those waters, scene of their recent victory and staging point into the invasion of the Briton lands around Sorvidunum now seemed to mock him with their placid flow. Silently he cursed Alle and his grandiose plans. Yes, they had gained a fortune in plunder, but at a(Take out the *a* and try *what* price. Countless slaughtered warriors littered the roads beyond the river. He had led a thousand spearmen over the Dubhglas and now he had only half that number(Nothing wrong here just a different Idea, He had led a thousand spearmen over the D, now he only had half that . (I might leave the name out here, Looking up, he saw the sky darkening. We already know his name.) Eoppa looked up at the darkening sky. A storm was approaching.


Not far from where Eoppa stood(,) Aelle fretted over the disaster of the last number of days. He should have listened to Eoppa. The man knew this Arthur and what he was capable of. (We know it is him. Just *he* would work.) Aelle had believed it all myth and legend. The way the Jutes spoke of the Briton leader had at times made him want to vomit. Now he knew better. The earlier victory(,) which at first had looked so overwhelming(,) now seemed to have being BeeN a ruse played upon them. A trick (remove*to* change to lulling them into believing the joined warhosts of the Jutes and Saxons were victorious. How easily they had fallen for it and spread their warbands out across the land. That is(was) when Arthur struck with his horsemen. Such havoc they had wielded using both javelin and arrows to cut them down. Not once did the Britons close with them. They rode close enough to taunt and cast their weapons *and*remove, add then they rode away to be replaced with another band of riders. This was not the way of a warrior!


“They are here,” a voice called out.


Aelle focused on the far bank of the river and saw riders appear on the lightly wooded slopes leading down to the water. The few became dozens and then hundreds. Spearmen followed shouting and banging the hafts of their weapons against their shields. It was an old trick. It made them sound more than they actually were. The trick worked.


“We're ******!” Aelle heard a warrior close to him mutter. Not quite, thought the warleader (grimly, or some other adjective since this is such a tense situation).


Further down the river Withgar was thinking very much along the lines of the vast majority of the Saxon warhost. He was no coward, but he saw no sense in dying in a futile fight when there was every chance of them getting away into the safety of the lands of the South Saxons or the Jute kingdom of Kent. This was the line, this river. The Britons rarely crossed it these days. Withgar could not see the point of tempting them by giving Arthur a victory here. Decision made(,) he made his way to find Eoppa.

I thought the small content here was good, I don't know exactly how or whether you want to but I get this is a tense situation but is there any way to ramp up the intensity a little. It works but its like a ten dollar shirt versus a twenty dollar one, they both work but the stitching is a little better on the twenty.
The thought processes worked. It all made made sense and did have a good flow. I picked out a few nit picks of mine but that is me. Good job

 

[ctg]

Oh dear, multiple POV's and none of them are really fixed to be the strongest narrator in this piece. However in vague terms and using not so strong omniscient narrator I think you might get away with it, but the question is what's the point? What are you trying to really achieve with this?

 

[Peter Graham]

This is a very short piece(possibly too short for a proper critique). Any feedback on how the thoughts of the characters work or do I have too many povs in such a short piece?

Far too many, I'm afraid. Multiple pov is always difficult, but here I think you compound the problem in two ways:-

1) They follow on too quickly from one another. We don't get time to feel at ease in Eoppa's head before you take us into Aelle's.

2) You've heard me parrot this one before, but there is little to distinguish the three speakers from one another. Wihtgar is arguably a little more pragmatic than his compadres, but your tendency to use a sort of cold reportage style (which can sometimes risk drifting into info dump) means that we learn very little of each character as individuals.


This is a real danger of the reportage style. It's a nice narrative voice and you handle it well, but it always puts me in mind of gumshoe detective novels, where everything is stripped down to the plot rather than the story and the characters are simply there to bring on the next set piece rather than to have lives of their own within the text. Give the characters a chance to breathe and show their motivations and inner feelings.

Otherwise (and without repeating what others have already said):-

On a historical note I know of no Blackwater(Dubhglas) river in the part of England the story is set in. I plead writer's licence on this.

Don't worry about it. It's just a river which is known today by it's English or Norse name. You can put it pretty much anywhere!

With red, raw eyes, Eoppa stared at the mild

don't like "mild" here - it doesn't really say anything. Placid? Shallow? Slow moving?

waters of the Dubhglas river. Those waters, scene of their recent victory and staging point into the invasion of the Briton

British

Not far from where Eoppa stood

comma

Aelle fretted over the disaster of the last number of days. He should have listened to Eoppa. The man knew this Arthur and what he was capable of. Aelle had believed it all myth and legend.

he's not the only one (sorry - couldn't resist!)

The way the Jutes spoke of the Briton

British

leader had at times made him want to vomit. Now he knew better. The earlier victory which at first had looked so overwhelming now seemed to have being a ruse played upon them.

This is a little opaque. Why does it now seem like a ruse?

A trick to lull them into believing the joined warhosts of the Jutes and Saxons were victorious.

"were victorious" or "would always be victorious"? Or even "had been" victorious.

How easily they had fallen for it and spread their warbands out across the land. That is when Arthur

had

struck with his horsemen. Such havoc they had wielded

needs a comma, but I'mm not sure you can wield havoc. You can unleash it, though.

It was an old trick. It made them sound more than they actually were. The trick worked.

Pedant corner: He's spotted it as a trick, so surely it hasn't worked?

Further down the river

comma. And other stuf (sorry about the pun)

Withgar was thinking very much along the lines of the vast majority of the Saxon warhost. He was no coward, but he saw no sense in dying in a futile fight when there was every chance of them getting away into the safety of the lands of the South Saxons or the Jute

Jutish

kingdom of Kent. This was the line, this river. The Britons rarely crossed it these days. Withgar could not see the point of tempting them by giving Arthur a victory here. Decision made

comma

Regards,

Peter