Dragon's Eye Chapter 2, Should be finished copy lol

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Damiynn

Fantasy Author
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I am a fantasy author, who has traveled the world.
More than likely I have missed a ton of things in this, so I need a going over. I think this is about as good as it is going to get though. I am trying to finally put the finishing wraps on this.

Chapter 2
White light exploded like an inferno in his head as the golden words faded. Opening his eyes he found the dragon’s eye pulsing, hypnotically, a bright red. It took a moment before he realized, the stone wasn’t cold. Heat tingled through his fingertips. The stone felt. . . felt like a beating heart. As if it had a mind of its own, a white mist filled light began moving about him. Slowly the white mist began changing. It became a myriad of swirling colored tendrils that began wrapping about his body.

Covered in the glowing nimbus, Micah felt a stab of fear pierce his insides. It was unwarranted. The light was soft on his skin, like a comforting caress or a slow tickle.

Suddenly everything changed. The pulsating light closed about engulfing him. The caressing colored tendrils locked onto his body with an iron hard grip that became a jerk.

Micah felt like a thousand hands were grabbing him all at the same time. A tidal wave of fear crashed through him as he tried removing his hand from the dragon’s eye. He couldn’t do it. Desperately pulling, he kept trying over and over again but it was as if the two were locked together. His arm felt like it was going to tear out of his shoulder but he kept wrenching and still his hand wouldn’t come free. The wave of fear changed into a sheet of ice as the dragon’s eye began to grow.

The blinding blur of scintillating colors enveloped him and everything became indistinct. The last thing he saw was the light turning the same color as the stone.
* * *

Groaning, Micah’s hand suddenly ripped free. Pain twisted his face and it felt like his soul was being torn apart, breaking some sort of connection inside his body.

The redstone didn’t look a stone any longer. It looked like a… an eye, a heavy lidded, large yellow one, at least the size of his head.

Frozen, Micah watched incredulously as the large eye rotated. Slowly a cat-like pupil came into view, fastened on him and a reddish pebbled lid closed, blinking.

Throwing himself backwards, he flailed at the air with fluttering hands and stumbled. He should have crashed over the top of his couch, but it wasn’t there. Out of cop habit, instinctively he grabbed for his revolver, it also wasn’t there. With no support he landed hard on rough hewn stone. Micah scrambled away, seeking a means of escape until his head hit a hard wall. Swimming specks of light exploded in front of his eyes. Shaking his head, he tried removing the swirling image.

The lights faded. The swirling stopped. The image stayed.

“What the hell…!” His voice trailed off into wordless silence. Eyes widening in an unbelieving stare, his jaw dropped. A gigantic shape filled a large room, a different room, one bigger than his small apartment.

Fighting down the wave of panic filling him, he slowly moved unblinking eyes down a massive serpentine body covered in scales the color of dried blood. Bony white spikes ran down a ridgeline forming a neck and back. Large, leathery wings were tucked in close against the creature’s sides and its tail curled back around its legs like a giant snake.

A giant spiked snake, Micah thought staring fearfully at the tail that end began twitching back and forth.

Head swinging sharply back around, Micah focused on its giant maw, a gaping thing filled with rows of teeth the size of daggers. Two bright, yellow slanted eyes stared back at him, burning with a hatred that chilled his soul. He recognized that type of hatred, it had burned that same way in the eyes of the teenager’s parents for months inside of the courtroom, and at times he could still see those burning eyes in his own mind’s eye.

The creature’s expression changed and somehow, he knew besides being angry, it was also disgusted.

It’s not possible. It’s impossible! Overwhelmed by what he was seeing, his mind hurled the words at him trying to convince him was he was seeing was an illusion. He knew it wasn’t. His head was clear. He couldn’t even feel what should have been a massive hangover. This had to be happening, it had to be true. Unless.

Scrubbing at his eyes with his fingertips, Micah tried forcing himself out of whatever dream his mind had cast him into this time, trying to do something that would bring him back to reality.

Dragons don’t exist! They aren’t real!

Dragons, like those in his father’s stupid stories, existed only in fairy tales. His father had been diagnosed as delusional psychotic and had been locked up.

Micah had given up on believing in dragons after that.

Not able to stop himself, his mind focused morbidly on the rows of teeth. Why isn’t it trying to eat me?

Glancing at the dragon’s body, he thought he saw the answer. Golden manacles as wide as his waist and chains as thick as a strong man’s leg were clamped to its clawed feet. Squinting, Micah saw strange writing engraved on the chains in a flowing script. Looking upwards, he saw a low stone ceiling keeping the beast from unfurling its gigantic leathery wings.

This is crazy, his mind shouted at him, trying to regain a sense of reality. I must be dreaming. This can’t be real! I fell asleep staring at that silly stone, thinking about my deranged father and now I’m having another damn dragon dream.

Dragon dreams. The damn things had been plaguing his sleep off and on for years, unsettling visions that began with war and were filled with death and always included a giant red dragon. This giant red dragon.

Instead of moving out of the massive beast’s range, he reached a decision and recklessly started walking towards it.

If it’s a dream, it can’t hurt me. If it does, I will wake up safe in my bed worrying about what will come tomorrow. I have to stop drinking so much. This can’t be real!

Standing next to the golden chains, collecting his thoughts, Micah heard a rasping scrape. Shifting his gaze, he saw the dragon’s wedge shaped head following his progress.

In spite of its large size, it moved with a deadly grace, like a snake charmer’s cobra that fascinated the eye. Momentarily their eyes met again. The dragon’s malevolent stare and piercing look made Micah feel as if the beast was trying to see into his soul and was about to strike him just like that cobra.

Panic wormed through him, cutting a hole through his insides.Snake charmer’s cobras didn’t have teeth.

Even if this is another damn dream, that thing is frightening. His mind screamed at him as he tried to ignore the large creature. Taking several deep breaths, he bent low, examining the chains.

A tingling sensation crept through his body as his eyes followed the flowing script. He scrubbed his hands across his forearms as an odd itch began crawling across his skin. Slowly, he reached out towards the golden surface. The strange writing began to glow and the itch increased till it almost felt like a kitten’s sharp claws were raking at him.

A voice behind him rumbled, filling the room with a raspy snarl. “If you can feel the magic flowing in my chains without touching them, then I wouldn’t advise doing that.”

Jerking his hand back, Micah spun, eyes wide with astonishment. “You can talk?” He demanded, blurting out the words before he could stop himself. Never in his dragon dreams had the dragon ever spoken.

Drawing back its massive head as if he had slapped it, the dragon growled, its voice dripping acid, “Of course I can talk! Stupid human!”

Rolling its yellow eyes in an irritated manner it answered, an angry edge to its voice, “I always forget how ignorant you men of the blood are when you first come over. Well, usually that changes, but for you, since it has been so long, I doubt it. You probably won’t live long enough.” This last part came out as a low hiss, almost as if the beast didn’t expect him to hear, but the words echoed in his ears like a distant thunder.

“What is it?” asked Micah, looking at the chains and the glowing script, his lips curling derisively, not really caring for the beast’s caustic tone. “Magic?”

Scoffing, he glanced back at the dragon, “magic’s not real. Dragon’s aren’t real and I don’t believe in fairy tales!” This last part came out as a croak as the dragon suddenly lifted a large clawed foot as far as the chain would let and pointed a long white talon at him.

“If you don’t believe Man of the Blood, go ahead, touch them.” An ominous, sly smile twisted the dragon’s lips. The glittering grin caused an icy shiver to crawl down Micah’s spine.


 
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Damiynn, please remember the maximum word count for Critiques is 1500. This was 2500. On this occasion I've edited it down for you.
 
It took a moment before he realized, the stone wasn’t cold.
There are two ways of punctuating this, and this isn't one of them. In the first the "the stone wasn’t cold" is effectively a separate sentence, detached from the first half by a semicolon or full stop. In the second (which I suspect you intended, it is the object of the "realised", and requires no punctuation.

As if it had a mind of its own, a white mist filled light began moving about him.
I think there should be a hyphen in "mist-filled", although I have difficulty visualising the situation. A luminous mist, sure, but a radiant energy containing matter?

The pulsating light closed about engulfing him.
I'm not sure what that "about" is doing there.

Groaning, Micah’s hand suddenly ripped free.
his hand was groaning?

Micah thought staring fearfully at the tail that end began twitching back and forth.
definitely comma after "thought", and then? "The tail end that began twitching"?

The creature’s expression changed and somehow, he knew besides being angry, it was also disgusted.
Overwhelmed by what he was seeing, his mind hurled the words at him trying to convince him was he was seeing was an illusion
Move the first comma from after "somehow" to after "knew", and the second from after "seeing" io after "him".

This is crazy, his mind shouted at him, trying to regain a sense of reality.
If it were me I'd cut the italics for "his mind shouted at him, trying to regain a sense of reality.", as it isn't part of the thought.

Snake charmer’s cobras didn’t have teeth.
He's thinking in present tense. Don't have teeth.

he tried to ignore the large creature.
Large size (previous paragraph), large creature; very luke-warm description relative to the immensity staring at him.

Although Man of the Blood, I doubt you will find any here willing to welcome you
Everywhere the dragon addresses him as "Man of the Blood" I'd recommend a comma before ("Although, Man of the Blood, I doubt")

Scoffing, he glanced back at the dragon, “magic’s not real.
I think full stop after "dragon", and a capital (upper case?) Magic.

“Most, humans and dragons would probably be grateful to see you dead! I bet some would prefer you that way by now!”
Comma after "dragons", and why, if "most" would be grateful, only "some" would prefer it?
 
Heya, as well as Chris’ comments above, just a few things:

It became a myriad of swirling colored tendrils that began wrapping about his body.

You can’t have ‘a’ myriad. It’s like having ‘a elephants’. Maybe go with something like ‘Myriad tendrils of colour swirled about his body..’

Panic wormed through him, cutting a hole through his insides. Snake charmer’s cobras didn’t have teeth.


Cobras do have teeth, and they all bite (even the spitting cobra), most of them fatally.

Otherwise, my main concern is that there is a bit too much exposition breaking up the terror you’re trying to convey. It is a difficult kind of scene to write, but I’d worry about the father stuff later, when he is thinking on it afterward (assuming he survives the scene).
 
Hi Damiynn,

This is pretty good. It has a good pace, maybe too descriptive in parts. As a dramatic scene it does work. Not too sure what Judge edited, but I would like to read to the end of the chapter to give a better review of it.
 
Heya, as well as Chris’ comments above, just a few things:

It became a myriad of swirling colored tendrils that began wrapping about his body.

You can’t have ‘a’ myriad. It’s like having ‘a elephants’. Maybe go with something like ‘Myriad tendrils of colour swirled about his body..’

In this case 'myriad ' seems to be a noun. Which means its usage here is fine. ( Think of myriad as 'set of ten thousand').

However I do personally find "a myriad of swirling colored tendrils" to be a bit overwhelming .
 
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