J Riff
The Ants are my friends..
This was just on - and I couldn't help it.... This is so you won't have to watch it. There's a solid hour of really cheesy jokes left out... These, then, are the highlights, of:
SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS
Opening credits - Real 60s pop cheez music - Hooray for Santy Claus! Geez, Pia Zadora. Who knew!?
We start with a TV interview with Santa Claus... direct from the North Pole.
Santa is smoking a pipe. Mrs. Claus seems nice...
The Elves are working with planes and saws... making toy rockets... and Martians!
Meanwhile, on Mars... they are eating food pills.. the children are in bad shape, confused..they spend all day watching Earth TV. The Martian kids have antennae and are hyper. The adults have to use 'sleep-spray' on the kids because of the darn Earth TV shows!
The Martians consult the ancient one - 800 yrs. old...he complains about the robotic programming of the martian children...making them adults before they are ready... we need a Santa Claus on Mars!! (thunder FX- old one disappears)
"We will capture this Santa, and bring him to Mars. We leave for Earth tonite! Prepare spaceship number one!
Using Magnascopes, Santa is searched for. But where is he..? It's like looking for a speck of space-dust in a comet's tail...waitaminit..I see him!"
The Martian UFO is spotted - The president activates 'retaliatory units' (stock shots of rockets and jets)
"Lower landing legs. Landing legs lowered!"
The Martians sneak up on some earth kids... bad jokes about the Martian antennae.."Are you a television set?"
The kids are taken to the North Pole. (many more shots of cool jets.)
The Martians activate Torg! - We are taking no chances! Nothing can stop Torg!
The children have escaped.. to warn Santa! I'll put Torg on their trail!
A guy in a bear suit ...is... no that's sposed to be real bear! Torg is a Robot and he is really cheezy. He catches the kids.
"You won't get away with this, you ... you .... Martian!"
Santa treats Torg like a toy..... Torg becomes a toy and won't grab Santa! The elves have baseball bats but a paralyser ray takes care of them. Front page of paper - "Santa kidnapped by Martians."
The world unites to try and save Santa. (More stock Rockets)
Real dialogue, martian crew members > What's soft and puffy and you toast it in a fire, and it's green?"
A martianmellow! Really.
The bad martian guy tries to jettison Santa and the kids into space. But Santa and kids escape through a tiny air duct! Supernatural power! The Santashapeshifter!
Santa meets the Martian children... he laughs... they laugh...everyone laughs. The Martian brats have never laughed before. They go to sleep without using the sleep-spray.
Santa must set up an automated toy shop on Mars. He is informed that he will never return to Earth. He is protected by motion-detector disintegrators. A joke about the new Slinky toy... is that Shemp from the 3 Stooges?! May as well be. Cheeezy organ music.....
Santa makes remarks denigrating technology. The toy shop wires get crossed resulting in weird toys like in toy story.
This never happened when we made toys by hand.
The Martians open 'The Nuclear curtain"...? which is ... if you walk thru it you are disintegrated...
The bad Martians have kidnapped the goofy Martian, who is wearing Santa's spare suit.
"Santa Claus has powers that you don't know about!!"
Santa booby-traps the toy-machine... the kids attack the Martians with toys... throwing stuff at them ... shooting ping pong balls... oh geeee.. tha's enough... after much Ho-hohHoing... the goofy martian replaces Santa. The real Santa and the kids are sent back to Earth with salutations from the good martians.... ending with a lotta Ho Ho hos...
Hooray for Santy Claus! plays.... Mercifully - The End. A Jalor Production.
Holy cow! Now the Wolfman is on!
SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS
Opening credits - Real 60s pop cheez music - Hooray for Santy Claus! Geez, Pia Zadora. Who knew!?
We start with a TV interview with Santa Claus... direct from the North Pole.
Santa is smoking a pipe. Mrs. Claus seems nice...
The Elves are working with planes and saws... making toy rockets... and Martians!
Meanwhile, on Mars... they are eating food pills.. the children are in bad shape, confused..they spend all day watching Earth TV. The Martian kids have antennae and are hyper. The adults have to use 'sleep-spray' on the kids because of the darn Earth TV shows!
The Martians consult the ancient one - 800 yrs. old...he complains about the robotic programming of the martian children...making them adults before they are ready... we need a Santa Claus on Mars!! (thunder FX- old one disappears)
"We will capture this Santa, and bring him to Mars. We leave for Earth tonite! Prepare spaceship number one!
Using Magnascopes, Santa is searched for. But where is he..? It's like looking for a speck of space-dust in a comet's tail...waitaminit..I see him!"
The Martian UFO is spotted - The president activates 'retaliatory units' (stock shots of rockets and jets)
"Lower landing legs. Landing legs lowered!"
The Martians sneak up on some earth kids... bad jokes about the Martian antennae.."Are you a television set?"
The kids are taken to the North Pole. (many more shots of cool jets.)
The Martians activate Torg! - We are taking no chances! Nothing can stop Torg!
The children have escaped.. to warn Santa! I'll put Torg on their trail!
A guy in a bear suit ...is... no that's sposed to be real bear! Torg is a Robot and he is really cheezy. He catches the kids.
"You won't get away with this, you ... you .... Martian!"
Santa treats Torg like a toy..... Torg becomes a toy and won't grab Santa! The elves have baseball bats but a paralyser ray takes care of them. Front page of paper - "Santa kidnapped by Martians."
The world unites to try and save Santa. (More stock Rockets)
Real dialogue, martian crew members > What's soft and puffy and you toast it in a fire, and it's green?"
A martianmellow! Really.
The bad martian guy tries to jettison Santa and the kids into space. But Santa and kids escape through a tiny air duct! Supernatural power! The Santashapeshifter!
Santa meets the Martian children... he laughs... they laugh...everyone laughs. The Martian brats have never laughed before. They go to sleep without using the sleep-spray.
Santa must set up an automated toy shop on Mars. He is informed that he will never return to Earth. He is protected by motion-detector disintegrators. A joke about the new Slinky toy... is that Shemp from the 3 Stooges?! May as well be. Cheeezy organ music.....
Santa makes remarks denigrating technology. The toy shop wires get crossed resulting in weird toys like in toy story.
This never happened when we made toys by hand.
The Martians open 'The Nuclear curtain"...? which is ... if you walk thru it you are disintegrated...
The bad Martians have kidnapped the goofy Martian, who is wearing Santa's spare suit.
"Santa Claus has powers that you don't know about!!"
Santa booby-traps the toy-machine... the kids attack the Martians with toys... throwing stuff at them ... shooting ping pong balls... oh geeee.. tha's enough... after much Ho-hohHoing... the goofy martian replaces Santa. The real Santa and the kids are sent back to Earth with salutations from the good martians.... ending with a lotta Ho Ho hos...
Hooray for Santy Claus! plays.... Mercifully - The End. A Jalor Production.
Holy cow! Now the Wolfman is on!
