Thieves' Burden: A short excerpt (434 words)

[starrypawz]

Okay, some of you may recognise me some of you won't. If you do recognise me you will probably remember the fantasy story I was working on before I disappeared. Bascially I found I wasn't getting anywhere and ended up scrapping it but I really liked the setting and some of the characters I'd created in said setting and decided to try my hand at writing something again. It did pain me somewhat as it was a story that began when I was 11 in a form totally different from how it ended up and I had great plans for it but to be fair over the last few years I felt I'd 'outgrown' it, oh well.

This is the first 'recreational' piece I've done for a good while since most of my writing has been college work and some random drabbles. This is the 'introduction' as it were to the story, I've got more but I feel I've hit a bit of a block. Anyway enough rambling.


Listara, a city cited to be a mixture of Elven grace and human sturdiness, a city filled with the best artisans but also the best weaponsmiths, a city cited to be full of opportunities.

It certainly was full of opportunities, at least ones that required light fingers and being able to slip into the shadows unnoticed. One of those opportunities was presenting itself right now, a traveller it seemed. Weighed down with a good deal of baggage and the most important thing… a good sized coinpurse or two, knowing the travellers that came through Listara he’d most likely be too taken up with the city to notice if a coinpurse went missing.

Little did the traveller know he’d been watched, from the moment he came in through the trader’s gate, hiding in the shadows and watching from rooftops he was being scoped out by the many cutpurses, pickpockets and thugs who were crouched like cats waiting for a sparrow.

Echo was among these, she’d been scoping out the trader’s gate since dawn waiting for a decent target. Fighting off the demons of boredom and a leg that was threatening to go numb she’d spotted him, and was over the rooftops tracking him down, slipping in and out of shadows and making sure not to loose him in the crowds of people.

It had been several hours since she’d started and she was still relentless in her pursuit of the traveller. After following him and nearly loosing him in a crowd she finally saw him disappear down an alley. She vaulted across the rooftops, nearly loosing her footing when she landed on the other side. She crept along the roofs of the alleyway and silently dropped down into the shadows. She carefully took a small knife from her belt and followed behind the traveller for a few paces, and in a heartbeat she’d cut free a coinpurse and was back onto the rooftops before the traveller had chance to notice. She opened the coinpurse and tipped out five gold coins into her hand, not too shabby… then something else fell into her hand, it was a heavy feeling bronze coloured…coin? No not a coin, it had a hole drilled through the middle like it was a trinket of some sort; it was pretty unremarkable to look at. Eh, I can probably fence it for a few coins… Echo quickly put the coins and the trinket into the pouch again. Sure, it was frowned upon to attack a thief for their ill gotten gains, but ‘accidents’ happen…

 

[chrispenycate]

And you might remember me…

Okay, some of you may recognise me some of you won't. If you do recognise me you will probably remember the fantasy story I was working on before I disappeared. Bascially I found I wasn't getting anywhere and ended up scrapping it but I really liked the setting and some of the characters I'd created in said setting and decided to try my hand at writing something again. It did pain me somewhat as it was a story that began when I was 11 in a form totally different from how it ended up and I had great plans for it but to be fair over the last few years I felt I'd 'outgrown' it, oh well.

This is the first 'recreational' piece I've done for a good while since most of my writing has been college work and some random drabbles. This is the 'introduction' as it were to the story, I've got more but I feel I've hit a bit of a block. Anyway enough rambling.


Listara, a city cited to be a mixture of Elven grace and human sturdiness, a city filled with the best artisans but also the best weaponsmiths, a city cited to be full of opportunities.

I wouldn't use "cited" twice, and in what way are weaponsmiths not artisans? They produce, by hand and in small workshops individually crafted pieces, so they are as artisanal as a potter, jeweller or blacksmith.

It certainly was full of opportunities,

meaning that there weren't others, for trading and the like? I suspect that's a "not least"

at least ones that required light fingers and being able to slip into the shadows unnoticed. One of those opportunities was presenting itself right now, a traveller it seemed. Weighed down with a good deal of baggage and the most important thing… a good sized coinpurse or two,

semicolon; and how do the opportunists know the presence of the purse(s), or are they just assuming?

knowing the travellers that came through Listara he’d most likely be too taken up with the city to notice if a coinpurse went missing.

Little did the traveller know he’d been watched,

no comma

from the moment he came in through the trader’s gate,

As written it is the traveller who is hiding in the shadows or climbing onto roofs.

hiding in the shadows and watching from rooftops he was being scoped out by the many cutpurses, pickpockets and thugs who were crouched like cats waiting for a sparrow.

Echo was among these,

semicolon

she’d been scoping out the trader’s gate since dawn waiting for a decent target. Fighting off the demons of boredom and a leg that was threatening to go numb she’d spotted him, and was over the rooftops tracking him down, slipping in and out of shadows and making sure not to loose

lose

him in the crowds of people.

It had been several hours since she’d started and she was still relentless in her pursuit of the traveller. After following him and nearly loosing

losing; I think the repetition of "losing in the crowd" is unnecessary

him in a crowd she finally saw him disappear down an alley. She vaulted across the rooftops, nearly loosing

losing

her footing when she landed on the other side.

the other side of what? Image not clear.

She crept along the roofs of the alleyway and silently dropped down into the shadows. She carefully took a small knife from her belt and followed behind the traveller for a few paces, and in a heartbeat she’d cut free a coinpurse and was back onto the rooftops before the traveller had

a

chance to notice. She opened the coinpurse and tipped out five gold coins into her hand, not too shabby… then something else fell into her hand,

Full stop

it was a heavy feeling bronze coloured…coin? No not a coin, it had a hole drilled through the middle like it was a trinket of some sort; it was pretty unremarkable to look at. Eh, I can probably fence it for a few coins… Echo quickly put the coins and the trinket into the pouch again. Sure, it was frowned upon to attack a thief for their ill gotten gains, but ‘accidents’ happen…

 

[Nik]

Sounds like a nice place to set action !!

( Trinket's cursed ?? a Tracer ? I cannot imagine that it is *harmless*... )

All I dare say after chrispenycate is that, IMHO, you should watch your sentence lengths: Too many are longer than my first drafts'...

 

[LukeW]

G'day.

One thing I noticed is that your using a lot of weak adverbs. I like to think about the adverbs that I use. Do they enhance the text? If not I suggest you get rid of them. I've highlighted them in pink and would sugest that the majority of them are given the flick.

Listara, a city cited to be a mixture of Elven grace and human sturdiness, a city filled with the best artisans but also the best weaponsmiths, a city cited to be full of opportunities.

I think you repeat words too often. Maybe you're going for a dramatic edge by repeating city three times in the opening paragraph, but to me it didn't really work. Likewise (as CC noted) 'cited' is repeated.

It certainly was full of opportunities, at least ones that required light fingers and being able to slip into the shadows unnoticed. One of those opportunities was presenting itself right now, a traveller it seemed. Weighed down with a good deal of baggage and the most important thing… a good sized coinpurse or two, knowing the travellers that came through Listara he’d most likely be too taken up with the city to notice if a coinpurse went missing.

Little did the traveller know he’d been watched, from the moment he came in through the trader’s gate, hiding in the shadows and watching from rooftops he was being scoped out by the many cutpurses, pickpockets and thugs who were crouched like cats waiting for a sparrow.

This is all passive.

Echo was among these, she’d been scoping out the trader’s gate since dawn waiting for a decent target. Fighting off the demons of boredom and a leg that was threatening to go numb she’d spotted him, and was over the rooftops tracking him down, slipping in and out of shadows and making sure not to lose him in the crowds of people.

It had been several hours since she’d started and she was still relentless in her pursuit of the traveller. After following him and nearly losing him in a crowd she finally saw him disappear down an alley. She vaulted across the rooftops, nearly loosing her footing when she landed on the other side. She crept along the roofs of the alleyway and silently dropped down into the shadows. She carefully took a small knife from her belt and followed behind the traveller for a few paces, and in a heartbeat she’d cut free a coinpurse and was back onto the rooftops before the traveller had chance to notice. She opened the coinpurse and tipped out five gold coins into her hand, not too shabby… then something else fell into her hand, it was a heavy feeling bronze coloured…coin? No not a coin, it had a hole drilled through the middle like it was a trinket of some sort; it was pretty unremarkable to look at. Eh, I can probably fence it for a few coins… Echo quickly put the coins and the trinket into the pouch again. Sure, it was frowned upon to attack a thief for their ill gotten gains, but ‘accidents’ happen…

Frowned on by who? No honour among thieves and all that.

 

[Toby Frost]

I agree with LukeW about the opening: I would be inclined to go straight in to the individual perspective and into the action. It's not badly written, but it feels a bit like a voice-over. If you do want to keep it, I would be inclined to change the "city cited" construction. It confused me as to whether you meant "sited", as in "situated", or "noted for" and the repetition of the soft C didn't work for me. A city known, or famous for perhaps? Personally I'd cut straight in to Echo.

There's a problem with point of view with the traveller. We seem to switch from a grand 3rd person, god's-eye-view perspective to Echo's individual viewpoint. I would probably start with "Echo had been waiting since dawn..."

"Coinpurse" jars with me, partly because it's repeated quite a lot. "Purse" seems better, or perhaps moneybag later abbreviated to bag. I'm not sure if "Like it was" is too colloquial: "like" is only really right if it's Echo's voice saying it. "As if" is more grammatically correct.

Small point: if this is the daytime it might not be wise to leap from roof to roof: if it's night it won't be wise for the merchant to be walking abroad with money and no guards.

 

[starrypawz]

Thanks for looking this over. Yeah I think with the opening in my mind it was meant to be like a voiceover. Like when you have a game or movie and it opens up with a shot of wherever it's set with said voice over, kind of like it was later panning into it. But I suppose it's something that is hard to get down in writing.

I'll keep all the mentioned points in mind when I get back to working on it.
With the opening bit would this be a bit better?

Listara, a city said to be a mixture of Elven grace and human sturdiness, a city filled with the best artisans, a city said to be full of opportunities.

It certainly was full of opportunities, ones that required light fingers and being able to slip into the shadows unnoticed. One of those opportunities was presenting itself right now, a traveller it seemed. Weighed down with baggage and chances are a good sized purse or two, knowing the travellers that came through Listara he’d most likely be too taken up with the city to notice if a coinpurse went missing.

 

[grimorian]

I agree with most of what has been said, but here's a few suggestions of my own.

Perhaps try writing the beginning paragraphs from Echo's point of view. You said she was bored, so perhaps she's reminiscing about all the great things and opportunities said about the city by travelers, but hasn't seen any that suit her "skills" in a while, then she comes upon the traveler...

You also mentioned other thieves scoping out the traveler, but they were non existent once Echo started stalking him. Perhaps work them in a bit, have her catch a few glimpses of other thieves sneaking about across/behind/in front of her. Make it seem more of a competition. She needs this score, she'll not let anyone else get it, etc...

This could also be used to explain why he randomly (at least it seemed to me) went into an alley. Perhaps he saw one of the other thieves, and decided to try and lose him, which put him right into Echo's path/trap/etc...

I liked it though, I'd keep reading if there was more.

 

[starrypawz]

Thanks I'll look into those points when I come back to it lest I get stuck in an eternal editing cycle, I'll post some more up at somepoint it's one of those classic 'know where it's ending up but hit a block' things right now.

 

[LukeW]

Listara, a city said to be a mixture of Elven grace and human sturdiness, a city filled with the best artisans, a city said to be full of opportunities.

It certainly was full of opportunities, ones that required light fingers and being able to slip into the shadows unnoticed. One of those opportunities was presenting itself right now, a traveller it seemed. Weighed down with baggage and chances are a good sized purse or two, knowing the travellers that came through Listara he’d most likely be too taken up with the city to notice if a coinpurse went missing.

I think part of the problem is that it's still in the passive voice. I'm not an expert on the subject, but I've heard it said plenty of times to refrain from slipping into passive tense when writing narrative as it weakens the prose.

Rather than writing from a voiceover's perspective for the first section, why don't you write from Echo's perspective straight away?

 

[grimorian]

I was bored at work and did a little sample of your intro. Perhaps it'll help with some ideas or direction to make the intro less passive, perhaps not, either way, check it out...



Listara, the city of artisans. The perfect mixture of Elvan grace and Human sturdiness. Some people call it the city of oppertunities. Unless of course your skills lie with light fingers from creeping shadows. Then your oppertunities are limited to weary travelers unfamilier with the great city, and even then not a guaranteed score as there's always someone else eagerly reaching from the shadows to steal your prize.

Among these eager hands was Echo. Hiding partially in the shadows cast onto a rooftop near the traders gate. An archway leading from the residential area into the cities busiest section. It had been two days and not a score in sight. Boredome was setting in fast and Echo was almost ready to call it a day when she spotted him. A weighed down traveler carrying a good deal of baggage and what appeared to be a sizable coin pouch hanging from his belt. But most importently, his eyes were filled with awe, a dead giveaway that he was not used to visiting the city.

blah blah blah, rooftop running, blah blah blah add in other thief guys blah blah blah coins, disk thingy, score bitches!!

 

[vector7]

I like the way you have started. Especially the setting. For me it feels too much like the video game Assassin's Creed (Heard of it?).

Maybe some more information about the environment she is in might get the job done. Are the buildings like the ones in Middle East or are they constructed with Spires?

Maybe, you could get more action into it by involving guards or other thieves as suggested by Grimorian. The way she navigates around these obstacles could enable you to create the ability she has as a thief. This way, you could easily establish how she escapes future scenarios without being jarring.

Love to read more of it.

V

 

[starrypawz]

I was bored at work and did a little sample of your intro. Perhaps it'll help with some ideas or direction to make the intro less passive, perhaps not, either way, check it out...



Listara, the city of artisans. The perfect mixture of Elvan grace and Human sturdiness. Some people call it the city of oppertunities. Unless of course your skills lie with light fingers from creeping shadows. Then your oppertunities are limited to weary travelers unfamilier with the great city, and even then not a guaranteed score as there's always someone else eagerly reaching from the shadows to steal your prize.

Among these eager hands was Echo. Hiding partially in the shadows cast onto a rooftop near the traders gate. An archway leading from the residential area into the cities busiest section. It had been two days and not a score in sight. Boredome was setting in fast and Echo was almost ready to call it a day when she spotted him. A weighed down traveler carrying a good deal of baggage and what appeared to be a sizable coin pouch hanging from his belt. But most importently, his eyes were filled with awe, a dead giveaway that he was not used to visiting the city.

blah blah blah, rooftop running, blah blah blah add in other thief guys blah blah blah coins, disk thingy, score bitches!!

Aha I see what you're getting at. Your ending made me laugh.

Heard of Assassin's Creed? It's one of my favourite games

 

[vector7]

Hmmm. Figures. I felt the signs of it from the start. Hope you can do something in this story similar to the game. Kinetic and flowing set piece action. Looking forward to more stories from you.
V

 

[dacianb]

Even if the setting is quite "traditional", you should let your characters discover it. For me such descriptions sounds like a travel guide brochure. No feeling at all. Let your character discover and wonder about this place.