Sci-Fi/Fantasy Crossover story: Comicbook & Screenplay

[Fuzzy Modem]

I had posted a small excerpt of my script in this thread, and it was recommended that I post more here.

I have 180 pages in screenplay format that I'll get to eventually, but what I'd like to do first is show you the first issue of the prologue, get your impressions, and then continue with the WiP script for the second and third acts of the prologue, before moving on to the primary story.

This first issue is by no means a final draft, and will be heavily revised before being incorporated into the 90 page graphic novel that makes up the entire prologue. This is the approach Diamond suggested after my first submission.

For the sake of enticement, here are some settings from the story:

Crossover

Thanks you very much. I look forward to your feedback. Primarily, I'd like to know what you expect to happen next, but spotting spelling and grammar errors is, of course, vitally important.

Thanks again

[edit] Pages posted below.

 

[The Judge]

Very lovely images, Fuzzy Modem, though I'm not entirely sure they should be here. What I am sure of, if you want critiques of your work you really ought to post it here, rather than have a link to somewhere else. That way you make it easier for people to read it and you'll get much more feedback.

I haven't checked out the link for myself, so I don't know how long your prologue is. The optimum amount is 800-1200 words, though (and the limit 1,500). If you're copying and pasting, do take care with formatting as strange things happen, as I know to my cost!

 

[Fuzzy Modem]

Very lovely images, Fuzzy Modem, though I'm not entirely sure they should be here. What I am sure of, if you want critiques of your work you really ought to post it here, rather than have a link to somewhere else. That way you make it easier for people to read it and you'll get much more feedback.

I haven't checked out the link for myself, so I don't know how long your prologue is. The optimum amount is 800-1200 words, though (and the limit 1,500). If you're copying and pasting, do take care with formatting as strange things happen, as I know to my cost!

They are images, and I believe I'm limited to 5 at a time, yes? I hope no one mind me posting multiple times, but here I go:

 

[Fuzzy Modem]

 

[Fuzzy Modem]

 

[Fuzzy Modem]

 

[The Judge]

Eek! I read the word prologue and screenplay and assumed you were still at the ideas/writing-in-a-block stage! I don't think I've ever seen a comic book and pictures up here.

Hang on just there for the moment. Let me go and check a few things.

 

[Fuzzy Modem]

 

[Fuzzy Modem]

So that's^ everything I've developed thus far. Everything else is in script format, and I'll post it here incrementally, being careful to preserve the formatting.

I have enough script for a feature length film. I think I'll post just one or two scenes at a time.

 

[Fuzzy Modem]

Eek! I read the word prologue and screenplay and assumed you were still at the ideas/writing-in-a-block stage! I don't think I've ever seen a comic book and pictures up here.

Hang on just there for the moment. Let me go and check a few things.

Crud. Well, hopefully I haven't broken my own thread. Those will be the last of the images I post, as everything else is just script, but given that I had the imagery, I felt it would be a good idea to share it along with the text, before getting into all the material I have yet to develop beyond text.

Hope I'm not in trouble...

 

[HareBrain]

Gosh.

This is difficult to critique, because I don't think there's ever been anything like this here. Thing is, we (or at least, I) read comic books differently to novels. The history section here is one big info-dump, and in a novel it would be death, but with all the pretty pictures to look, at I don't care. When reading a novel, I try to understand most of what I'm reading first time through -- with a graphic novel, I tolerate a lot more confusion, because I know that when I get to a point where it's obvious I should have understood something, it's easier to skip back and reread it.

I would definitely keep reading this. And I have no idea what will happen next, sorry.

A comment on the pictures, in case you're interested. For me, the faces work least well of everything you've "drawn". For my taste, they would benefit from looking more as though they were drawn freehand. In particular, the uncle's profile in the "No Alyssa, your parents loved you very much" panel looks like a teenager with a fake beard.

 

[Fuzzy Modem]

-looks like a teenager with a fake beard.

Lol! It is a fake beard. That character is much younger for most of the story, and I'm also trying to disguise his identity for now. I will be going back and over-painting more throughly once all 90 pages of the prologue are complete, so hopefully things will look at bit more natural and better blended, and I'll pay particular attention to the beard, and perhaps find ways to age him more subtly.

It's good to hear you don't know what will happen next. I despise predictable stories.

 

[Brian G Turner]

Fuzzy, it's an astonishing piece of work, but I think some clarification would be useful:

1. Are the images part of a comic you have already published?
2. If so, are you asking for a critque or review?

 

[ctg]

I have a bit of critique to offer.

The dialogue in first three pages feels forced but luckily the only thing you need to do to get it right is to reword them, so that the old man and the girl are speaking to each other and not to the reader.

If that would had been in text form, then we would had slapped you from using too steep exposition in the dialogue. Therefore, do what you do with the those blue data-angels at pages six to nine.

Note that you get away with that when use their dialogue in the black boxes. So be careful on how you reword the first dialogue lines.

I look forward to read more.

 

[Blackrook]

I think you should realize there are consequences to publishing on this forum. You may find it hard to find someone willing to publish in a real comic book what you have already published here.

 

[Fuzzy Modem]

I have a bit of critique to offer.

The dialogue in first three pages feels forced but luckily the only thing you need to do to get it right is to reword them, so that the old man and the girl are speaking to each other and not to the reader.

If that would had been in text form, then we would had slapped you from using too steep exposition in the dialogue. Therefore, do what you do with the those blue data-angels at pages six to nine.

Note that you get away with that when use their dialogue in the black boxes. So be careful on how you reword the first dialogue lines.

I look forward to read more.

Can anyone give me specific examples of how to reword things?

Unfortunately the speech bubbles are now a permanent part of the images (terrible mistake) so while I can easily change the dialogue, it needs to be roughly the same amount.

Fuzzy, it's an astonishing piece of work, but I think some clarification would be useful:

1. Are the images part of a comic you have already published?
2. If so, are you asking for a critque or review?

I think you should realize there are consequences to publishing on this forum. You may find it hard to find someone willing to publish in a real comic book what you have already published here.

This has been both on my website and in hard copy for a few years, and I sell it at my local comic shop. However, I am currently working on 3x more material for a graphic novel presentation of the prologue, which is what Diamond recommended.

What you see above will be the 1st third of the prologue, and as I'm adding, I'm reworking the old material. All of the black box narration for instance does not appear in the hard copy. I added it more recently, as too many people were confused.

So, to summarize, I'm here to improve the exiting dialogue and familiarize you with the story, before showing you the script for the remainder of the prologue, which has never appeared in print, and when we're done with that, I have another 180 pages of screenplay that would be the first part of the trilogy that the prologue sets up, with another 800 pages of notes with which to write the second and third parts of the trilogy.

I hope all that made sense. Here, I'll try again.

Above you see 1/3 of the prologue as a comic book.
Next up the 2nd 1/3 of the prologue in script format.
Then the last 1/3 of the prologue in script format.
Then we're done with the prologue, and on to the first act of the first "film"
Then Act 2 in script format.
Then Act 3 in script format.
^All this has been completed to at least a rough draft stage.

After that, I have notes with which to create two more screenplays, and I'd love to collaborate with you guys on those too.

Thus far I only have plans to create the prologue in Graphic Novel format, but the screenplays may be converted to Radio Drama format and broadcast locally when completed, along with the script for the prologue of course.

I have already registered all my existing material with the screenwriter's guild, so I'm not terribly concerned with plagiarism.

This also won't be the first time I've put my WiP script up on the Internet, so if it hurts my chances of publication, that ship has already sailed.

I'm honestly less concerned with large scale distribution at this point, than I am with completing a high quality product.

So, yeah, all that. Thanks

 

[Brian G Turner]

So, Fuzzy, just to clarify, this is your own comic that you are writing and having illustrated, and are now looking to convert to a film screenplay?

 

[ctg]

For example this is dialogue is characterized:

Alyssa. Come down. We need to move.

But Uncle, I can't. My feet hurt!

Maybe I could carry you on my shoulder --

--Okay.

 

[Fuzzy Modem]

For example this is dialogue is characterized:

Alyssa. Come down. We need to move.

But Uncle, I can't. My feet hurt!

Maybe I could carry you on my shoulder --

--Okay.

Cool. I'll type up some alternatives and post them.

So, Fuzzy, just to clarify, this is your own comic that you are writing and having illustrated, and are now looking to convert to a film screenplay?

I wrote it as a screenplay first with the intent of making a comic book (a film would be unrealistic.) The artwork is mostly mine, though I've had a good number of friends help out by modeling for me in costume, with supplemental photography, and by brainstorming story elements with me.

The screenplay is far from finished however. The ending is still very, very rough, and the rest needs polish.

Recently, a good friend of mine who produces a series of radio dramas offered to pick up my story for his next series. Therefore, I need to finish the script, though I still have quite a bit of time, as he still has another season of his current show to complete.

 

[ctg]

Cool. I'll type up some alternatives and post them.

The thing with the characterization is that you drive the narrator and let the reader to figure out the character motivations and feelings behind the lines. And those lines should be as close to real 'every day' dialogue as possible.

So, for sake of a exercise, listen how people talk and try to wrap what they say in dialogue marks in your head. Also think why they say what they say, and how they say it. And then use what you have learned, or heard, in your work.