Story of creation

[Deathfrommassive]

The idea behind this is a campfire/bardic tale of the creation of the world. I wrote two different versions of the same story. My issue is that they just don't feel right, so I'm turning to the SFF community for help. Chris please turn your vicious red pen on my baby... I can take it

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Parham Parkash rose over the whole of the world. Light fell from his face and onto Javan Parkrati. She opened herself to accept him. The two became one. Light and Life together.

They produced many children who spread out over the world. Trees, Flowers, Birds, Fish. All life sprang from them.


Parham returned to the sky, Javan mourned her loss. Her tears watered the ground and the pain and anguish was absorbed into the world. The negative emotion was too much for the world to bear and it broke apart.

Another world, this a flooded wasteland, was created. Here the creatures became twisted, mutated, horrific versions’ of their former self’s. In this darkness a great evil was born. Yudh Aseem and his bride Chhupna Hatyare. Together they shaped and moulded their world into an unholy wasteland.

Desperate to counter her mistake Javan called to her lover and requested his help in undoing the damage. Parham felt sorry for Javan knowing he was at fault for the pain he had caused. Together they gathered fragments from the splintered from the first world and reformed it. They created another paradise and place inside it all the creatures they could find. This world became their home as Parham promised to never leave Javan again.

Yudh and Chhupna hated the other pair and their paradise. They gathered their creatures for war and attacked Parham and Javan’s home. The war was devastating for both sides. Both sides continued to escalate until at last both sides. The two worlds began to splinter under the relentless war.

The splinters each took on life and each became an echo of their origin world. Some were evil world while others were good. Even today, new undescovered worlds are forming.

34 Alt​

“Gather around my children and I shall tell you the tale of creation. It began long before time and creation, the powerful Parham Parkash cast his light over the lifeless world. The light show down into Javan Parkrati – maiden of life – and she fell deeply in love. He called to him and he came to her and they were one. Light and Life together.”

“Their union spawned all life as we know it. From the birds in the sky to the rabbits in the fields hopping hear and there. The great bears and the lions that hunt the prairies. “

“But their union could not last for Parham had to return to the sky to once again light the world. In his absence Javan grew sad and jealous that she could not have him all to herself. So she cried. Oh, so great were her tears that it became too much for the world. It tried my children, oh yes it tried to drink the tears in. The sorrow was too great for the world to bear and under the great pressure it broke. Broke apart into so many pieces.”

“And do you know what happened to the broken parts? Some of them gathered together to form a new world. Here on this world all the tears and sorrow gathered together becoming an Evil world. A world of… darkness. All the animals and creatures on this world started to mutate and twist into horrific shadows of their former self’s. But that was not the worst of it, oh no, not my far. From the swirling dark waters arose… Yudh Aseem and his bride Chhupna Hatyare! Together they spilled forth evil in the same way that Parham and Javan spread life.”

“And do you know what happened to the broken parts? Some of them gathered together to form a new world. Here on this world all the tears and sorrow gathered together becoming an Evil world. A world of… darkness. All the animals and creatures on this world started to mutate and twist into horrific shadows of their former self’s. But that was not the worst of it, oh no, not my far. From the swirling dark waters arose… Yudh Aseem and his bride Chhupna Hatyare! Together they spilled forth evil in the same way that Parham and Javan spread life.”

“And do you know what happened to the broken parts? Some of them gathered together to form a new world. Here on this world all the tears and sorrow gathered together becoming an Evil world. A world of… darkness. All the animals and creatures on this world started to mutate and twist into horrific shadows of their former self’s. But that was not the worst of it, oh no, not my far. From the swirling dark waters arose… Yudh Aseem and his bride Chhupna Hatyare! Together they spilled forth evil in the same way that Parham and Javan spread life.”

“Javan, seeing the damage that she had done, called to her lover for help. Together they gathered what of the broken pieces they could and formed a new world. One of love, joy, and happiness; Paradise. Parham promised to never leave his love in this new world and together they spent the rest of their days in this world and still do even today.”

“Yudh and Chhupna were not happy. Not with a world of paradise under someone else’s control. They decided to take it. Yes, to wage a war for the worlds. They gathered their forced and invaded. Oh the war was and still is without end. Over time the pieces of the two worlds started to splinter and fall off. The splinters scattered across the emptiness and formed other worlds. As the forces of good and evil battle more and more splinters form both big and small.”

“Ours you ask, where are we? We, my dear children, are on Htrae. How many have I been to? To count fourteen, no fifteen.”

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

Odd that this hasn't been pounced on by the usual suspects however, here goes.

I can be quite picky in my critiques. I'm assuming that the creation myth you describe is purely fiction and not based on any actual religious foundation.

The idea behind this is a campfire/bardic tale of the creation of the world. I wrote two different versions of the same story. My issue is that they just don't feel right, so I'm turning to the SFF community for help. Chris please turn your vicious red pen on my baby... I can take it

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Parham Parkash rose over the whole of the world. Light fell from his face and onto Javan Parkrati. She opened herself to accept him. The two became one. Light and Life (it could do with a new name which could give us a clue that this merging was greater than the sum of the two - and hence endow the power to create something like and they became Gosbiladar the creator) together. (I assume this is the sun and earth - It doesn't quite get there normally creation myths have some explanation for the creation: a rib here, an elephant there, a god for each life form in their own image)

They produced many children who spread out over the world. Trees, Flowers, Birds, Fish. All life sprang from them. (As above - I left unconvinced by the nature of the process I feel that these creators aren't putting enough effort in - even for gods: it's too impersonal - detached :-

Jarvan ripped off her seventh tentacle and from the wound spilled the waters of the world: she then chewed her own dead limb and with flesh therefrom she spat upon the ground and from the sputum rose the creatures of the world in all there forms...

Parham returned to the sky, Javan mourned her loss. (there's been nothing to suggest this above - it was just a basic animal like meeting and mingling if you want mourning you have to get them emotionally involved; they need to spend time - millenia together, not just a quickie behind the burning bushes) Her tears watered the ground and the pain and anguish was absorbed into the world. The negative emotion was too much for the world to bear and it broke apart. (Why it's surely it's good enough that this explains the presence of the bad things in the world already created - Old Parham has gone back to drink with his mates in the sky and left her - now a single parent. You've clearly stated that the world needed both to get started so no new places aren't going to get created now he's bu**ered off)

Another world, this a flooded wasteland, was created. Here the creatures became twisted, mutated, horrific versions’ of their former self’s. In this darkness a great evil was born. Yudh Aseem and his bride Chhupna Hatyare. Together they shaped and moulded their world into an unholy wasteland. (as above these don't have the power to do this creation - they should just rule the evil that the tears introduced if you want nasty creatures then have the evil include mutation and cross species conception maybe)

Desperate to counter her mistake Javan called to her lover and requested his help in undoing the damage. Parham felt sorry for Javan knowing he was at fault for the pain he had caused. Together they gathered fragments from the splintered from the first world and reformed it. They created another paradise and place inside it all the creatures they could find. This world became their home as Parham promised to never leave Javan again. (not convincing - they never do man are just pathalogical liars and womanisers - pretty soon he'll be off down the heavens again drinking with his buddies and eyeing up the local talent - soon there'll be another maiden laid waste with a world to support - even primitive tribesmen would now this to be the case and it's no example of godlike behavior that you would want your bards to be putting about anyway - Gods need to be heroic and inspiring not wimpish

-" Oh I'm sorry I left you; please forgive me and take me back"

types Old Parham needs give his life in the 'man' creation bit - Now that really would get Jarvan pi**ed; enough to want to take it out on the world they created and make men's life a misery for all time)

Yudh and Chhupna hated the other pair and their paradise. They gathered their creatures for war and attacked Parham and Javan’s home. The war was devastating for both sides. Both sides continued to escalate until at last both sides. The two worlds began to splinter under the relentless war.

The splinters each took on life and each became an echo of their origin world. Some were evil world while others were good. Even today, new undescovered worlds are forming.

Had to stop here - Happy to continue later if you wish however, for now, the our own particular hell beckons


Hope I helped


TEiN.

PS needs spelchecking - some of your text showed up errors as I was doing my own check.

 

[The Judge]

Hi DFM

I see TEiN has had a go in his own inimitable fashion! Now for some sense to be brought into things...

Of the two versions, I preferred the first. There was something about the obvious narrator in the second that felt intrusive. Actually, make that patronising -- I wanted to get up from around the campfire and belt him. But that could just be me! Unlike TEiN I didn't mind the rather effortless creation and the lack of detail in the myth, though a little more narrative would be fine. I suppose a great deal depends on where and why this myth appears in the novel at all, and how much time you can spend on it before having to get back to the main story.

One thing that I think might improve the first version, though, is to make it less spartan and more lyrical. You don't have to go overboard -- I like the simplicity of the opening lines, for instance (though a colon after "one", please), but instead of a non-exhaustive list of their children something like "from the mightiest trees to the smallest flowers; from the fish in the oceans to the birds in the sky" (only better than that!). You need to ensure that the lyric and the plain complement each other and don't grate, but I think it might work. It would be worth experimenting, in any event.

As you may have seen from other critiques, I nit-pick, looking at things like word use and punctuation, and I'm afraid you do have a few problems on this front. I don't have time to do a thorough edit for you today, but I'll pick out a few of the things which hit me hardest in the first version. When you review your work it is important to read it carefully, to use a spell-checker but not rely on it, and to think about each word and the effect you are trying to create.

They produced many children who spread out over the world. Trees, Flowers, Birds, Fish. - I think a colon might work better here after "world" but the thing which really hit me are the capitals for the nouns. It could be you are doing this deliberately to emphasise the importance of each generic child, but for me it didn't work, perhaps because you are using plurals and not simply "Tree" in the single, as being the forebear of all trees. To have 4 discrete one-word sentences would be too much, so I'd lose the capitals I think. Though I have to say just having 4 things represent all the children didn't work for me either, though clearly you can't provide a complete list.

Parham returned to the sky, Javan mourned her loss - an example of underpunctuation: this needs a semi-colon. Read this to yourself and you'll see the length of the pause is greater than indicated by a comma.

The negative emotion - there's a thread in Aspiring Writers about using modern-day words in fantasy settings, and this is a prime example of why it can jar so horribly. The classic simplicity of the majority of your prose in the first version is admirably suited to the mythic nature of the tale. This late 20th century psycho-babble rips us out of the legend and spoils the whole thing. This is by far the worst example, but there are other words which temporarily jostle us as being not quite fitting for the time and style: eg "counter", "devastating" (a good old word, but you seem to be using it in a modern sense) and "escalate".

Here the creatures became twisted, mutated, horrific - the classic rhetorical trope is to use threes of things, so I can understand why you've used it for these adjectives. Unfortunately, to my mind it doesn't work here, possibly because there is no variety in the feel and length of them.

versions’ of their former self’s. - eek! This is a line to induce apoplexy among the more sedate of the Obscure Grammarians. If you're unsure of the use of the possessive apostrophe, go read The Toolbox, a sticky at the top of Aspiring Writers. No apostrophes are required on any word here -- they are simple plurals, though not perhaps as simple as they could be since it's "selves"; "self" is the single.

and place - "placed". I appreciate this is probably a typo, as is undescovered - "undiscovered" (though if the worlds are undiscovered, I'd question the use of "new" and how does the narrator know they are forming...?) but it is important to read your work thoroughly.

Parham promised to never leave Javan again - another OG pain-inducer. Splitting infinitives is no longer punishable by hanging, drawing and quartering (much to my former headmistress's chagrin), but you'll find it a helpful rule when trying to write correct English: "promised never to leave" is not only right, it's more elegant.

each became an echo of their origin world. - "each" is single; "their" is plural. This is a mismatch -- "each... of its..." is the correct form.

Both sides continued to escalate until at last both sides. - this is very sloppy proof-reading.


Overall, quite a nice creation/destruction myth and in the main the first version is well written in an appropriate fashion for the feel of it, but in my view you let yourself and your talent down in some of the detail. It does set up the good -v- evil fight nicely, though, which I assume is the point (if a little late for chapter 34?). Well done and good luck with it.

 

[Boneman]

In the alt version, I assume it's a typo that:

“And do you know what happened to the broken parts? Some of them gathered together to form a new world. Here on this world all the tears and sorrow gathered together becoming an Evil world. A world of… darkness. All the animals and creatures on this world started to mutate and twist into horrific shadows of their former self’s. But that was not the worst of it, oh no, not my far. From the swirling dark waters arose… Yudh Aseem and his bride Chhupna Hatyare! Together they spilled forth evil in the same way that Parham and Javan spread life.”

is repeated twice...?

 

[Deathfrommassive]

TEiN, Judge, and Boneman thank you for your criticism. It was much needed. In my defense English is not my first language. Bad English is.

 

[The Judge]

I'm not sure whether that was a gag or the truth, DFM. If English really isn't your first language, then frankly you've mastered it better than most native English speakers I know! If it's a joke -- very funny... now get out your dictionary and do some work!

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

I confess I hadn't spotted the Iraq reference before.

I agree with J. It seems a very poor excuse since as she points out your 'English' is far better than my own.

However, I would point out that my difficulty wasn't with the English as such; more with the basic concepts of your creation myth.

Again, I'm assuming that this is fictional, in the sense you made it up, and not based on an actual Earth based religion.

 

[Deathfrommassive]

Sorry it was a joke. Yes, it is a fictional myth not based on an actual Earth religion.