A possible prologue

[Boneman]

So here's my prologue. It's entitled 'possible' because it's the third one I've written...

Essentially, as you can see, it's a narrator who is writing to someone, and he's going to tell them the whole story. (Chapter one, straight after this, opens in the summer of 1962, but is told in third person.)

I will be running it past my writing group, but one small problem for them, is that they know the whole story, and can see where this piece relates to. I'd like opinions of others, who don't. Does it interest? Is it too woolly? Is it so obtuse that you're not interested? Am I trying to be too clever? Have I given you enough to make you read on? Any critique/comment is welcome - grammar/prose/misunderstandings...

PROLOGUE​

My heart leaps up when I behold ​

A rainbow in the sky:

So was it when my life began,
So is it now I am a man,
So be it when I shall grow old
Or let me die!
The child is father of the man:
And I could wish my days to be
Bound each to each by natural piety​

​

William Wordsworth


I’m not sure you’ll get this, but I’m hoping. It will seem unbelievable. Beyond rationality, literally out of this world. Looking back, after all that’s happened, I’m not sure I believe it myself. But I know, because I lived it, and it’s not long now until the time of my passing, and your beginning. I will tell you everything, because you deserve to understand it all.


Because of you, thousands lived, who would have died. Fathers, mothers, children. Because of you, the good guys won, and the bad guys lost. Because of you, those who loved you unconditionally were saved. Except for one. The one you would have given your life for. The one who gave meaning to your emptiness. The one who filled your life with purpose. Even as I write these words, there’s a dragging, churning feeling in my chest, and I have to put down the pen as it’s hard to take.


Look at the poem above – I know you loathe poetry, but the essence of your life is encompassed within those words, though you may never truly experience them in the way they spoke to me. A rainbow may just be a rainbow to you – a beautiful flourish to a rainy day. Or it may be the end of a drought, the beginning of hope, as the rains fall once more. Life may be lived in plenty, with little worry, and still have meaning. Life may be lived as the drought. But when the rainbow comes, it brings rain, and life begins anew. That life will be more meaningful if the drought is remembered.


So it is, that I write this to you. That you know of the drought, the times when hopes were shattered on hard rocks. So that the life you lead will know where it sprang from, and give thanks.


But you will also know what you lost. What you gave up, so that the thousands could live. You did it willingly, but you lost what was most dear to you, and you will never see her again in this life.


By telling you, I hope to make some sense of those feelings you experience in your life. Why the howl of a wolf never raises the hairs on the back of your neck. Why you’re drawn to the reservation Indians. Why Ancient Egypt fascinates you. And mostly, why you always picture Angels with long brown hair and dark eyes, carrying a sword.




It all started in the hot summer of 1962. Back when your Dad was Sheriff...

 

[treicina]

Honestly, I had to admit when I first read that you said that it's the narrator writing to someone, I thought "oh no this can't possibly be good".
Well, you proved me wrong.

I'm utterly hooked. Just by reading the first few lines, I couldn't stop reading until I got through it all. It's intriguing and mysterious and leaves me with a lot of questions that I want to find the answers to by reading more, like who is the person the narrator is writing to? What does the narrator mean that it's his passing and the other person's beginning? What did the "you" person do to save so many?

I don't think it sounded woolly at all, I actually found the narrator's words beautiful and inspiring.

 

[Boneman]

Thank you, kindly! Would take a long time to explain it all, but the fact that you want to know, means the prologue works at the level I hoped it would... for you, anyway! I'll let you know when the first book is released, but don't hold your breath...

 

[HareBrain]

If this were tightened up a bit, I'm pretty sure I would read on. I'd probably skip the poem at first (and then go back and read it when the prologue talks about it), but I'm not sure that's a problem. One early line gave me pause:

It will seem unbelievable. Beyond rationality, literally out of this world.

To a cynical reader (i.e. me) this could seem like a sales pitch, a crass attempt to persuade the reader in advance that this is going to be a really great read. I know you're not actually saying "it will seem fantastic, the most amazing story you've ever heard", but it's not a million miles away.

It also seemed to go on just a little. I think you might try losing one of the three final paragraphs. The penultimate one strikes me as being most vague and adding least:

But you will also know what you lost. What you gave up, so that the thousands could live. You did it willingly, but you lost what was most dear to you, and you will never see her again in this life.

And something struck me as odd in the final para:

By telling you, I hope to make some sense of those feelings you experience in your life. Why the howl of a wolf never raises the hairs on the back of your neck.

The writer is telling the recipient about those feelings he will experience, but first in the list comes an absence of feeling: "why the howl of a wolf never raises the hairs on the back of your neck". Unless this is a typo? If it isn't a typo, I'd suggest choosing something else, as the negative makes it feel weak.

The rest of the final para:

Why you’re drawn to the reservation Indians. Why Ancient Egypt fascinates you. And mostly, why you always picture Angels with long brown hair and dark eyes, carrying a sword.

I think is pretty clever. It acts as a very intriguing, subtle sales pitch, setting out some of what the reader will encounter and whetting the interest in a way that fits within the form you've chosen. I think in general you've pitched the foreshadowing pretty well. You've told us the good guys win and the bad guys lose, but you've tempered this by telling us that the character loses something precious.

One final point. You have here, it seems to me, set up a framing device that the entire story is a document written by the same person responsible for this prologue. Many readers will forget or not care about whether or not you maintain this, and just fall into the story, but some will notice if you then write anything within the main story that couldn't have been written by the prologue-writer. Just something to bear in mind.

 

[Ursa major]

If this is indeed a framing story, I'm confused. It seems very like one person (I'll call them X) telling another person (who I'll call Y, even though they may be one and the same person) the events of Y's yet-to-be-lived life.

On this assumption (which I admit may be wrong), I have problems with this. Tension is somewhat lessened: the prologue says who won (the good guys); it says that those close to the Y survive (give or take the love of their life). Then it tells Y what Y may do, will do, or will have already done (depending on how inviolate events in time are). Is this X trying to tell Y (or their younger self) what happened, so they can make an even better job of it?

There's nothing wrong with this approach, I suppose, but I feel that it's providing intrigue about some things (which may loom large in the main story, but may not), but paying for it by giving far too much away about your main plot. If you want to keep this text in, I'd suggest it be placed at the end of the story. I can see some folk thinking that if this were done, it would be adding a cheapish end twist to the book. (But is it really any better if it appears on Page 1 than on Page 999?)


Of course, I may be reading too much into what you've written, but it does read like the lead-in to the main part of your book (and so not to a more detailed introduction to the main story).


So (some of) the questions you may want to ask yourself are:

1. Is this simply something to intrigue the reader (to get them to read page 2)?
2. Does it do this job?
3. Is it delaying the start of the action?
4. Is it giving too much away?
5. Is a prologue needed at all (as opposed to an epilogue)?

I've just been reading Iain M. Banks's The Player of Games. It has a section at the beginning of its first chapter that does something similar to your prologue. At the risk of infringing copyright**, I'll quote it here:

This is the story of a man who went far away for a long time, just to play a game. The man is a game-player called 'Gurgeh'. The story starts with a battle that is not a battle, and ends with a game that is not a game.

Me? I'll tell you about me later.

This is how the story begins.

And that's it. It's intriguing, but nothing important (nothing that isn't in the blurb on the back cover) is given away.



** - To "pay" for this quote, I'll mention that if you (by which I mean anyone who reads this post) haven't read this book, you really should. (To further the avoiding unpleasant legal consequences, may I add that you should buy it rather than borrow it. )

 

[Precise Calibre]

In my opinion, the prologue here does go on a bit. It seems quite insistent, which is respectable if the author wants to get a feeling across. I do not, however, believe that the story would really benefit from having this at the beginning.

I am with Ursa in the belief that this could make a more interesting epilogue - in my view, it gives away way too much of what is going to take place. Yes, I can assume that the good guys will win and that a major sacrifice will be required on my own, but it makes me uncomfortable to have the cliff notes of the story right at the start.

What you might consider is an ambiguous scene at the start in which an unnamed character receives a letter and you see only their reaction to it at the start and then follow up with the actual details and perhaps even the actual writing of the letter as the epilogue.

 

[Ursa major]

By the way, I'd like to point out that I myself wouldn't see it as a "cheapish end twist".


(In fact, a desperate attempt to send back information to save the love of his life - assuming X and Y are the same person - could add extra poignancy, IMHO.)

 

[Boneman]

HB, Ursa and PC, thank you so much all, just what I needed. It was my intention to have the 'narrator' post an epilogue, as well as the prologue, but I see that he shouldn't be selling the book (even if I'll need all the help I can get....!) but just telling the story.

PC, the problem with the character receiving a letter is that this will happen, but not for a long time - effectively the whole book will be the letter, of which the prologue is the opening. When the letter arrives it will be in 1982, 20 years after the writer pens it

The main reason I'm trying to see if this will work is that I'm trying to fix the readers' attention on the hero, as he's yet to be born, as you rightly surmised, so yes, I do want to intrigue them (hopefully remember this opening) And maybe I'm giving too much away, and should just stick to the 'personal' bits - I told my friend Pat, that its core was a love story, after all...

Ursa, good thinking, especialy about the possibility to save the love of his life. Unfortunately it's impossible for the 'younger' self to unmake things, somehting has irreperably changed (for the better I might add) so it would probably be better to concentrate on the personal bits...

Excellent food for thought, thanks all.

 

[The Judge]

I'm happy with it as a prologue not an epilogue, and I think it's a good idea, but I do share the others' concerns that it is too long.

I have to confess the opening irritated me a little, as it reminded me of one of those cliched scenes of wise man talking incomprehensibly to novice "This is the most important thing I have to tell you..." and we know wise man will get killed before novice finds out because he's spent too bloody long wittering on about how important it is and not enough just telling him! You can't tell us the most important thing here, of course, as it will ruin the book, but hinting as heavily as this may be counter-productive, giving rise to irritation rather than interest.

The poem -- is the narrator the type of person who is interested in poetry? If not, I think it's a tad strange he'd have the old sheep of the Lake District** memorised like this. Perhaps if he just quotes the one or two lines which have made an impression on him, rather than the whole thing? I can see why you have the later paragraph about the rainbow, but I think that could be speeded up a little (ie pruned heavily...). It feels a trifle self-indulgent at the moment, which may be well in keeping with the mood of the narrator, but isn't helping any here.

How old is the narrator meant to be? It's coming over to me as someone in his 50s or older: the word use, the construction of sentences eg So it is, that I write this to you. It's a touch pompous and over declaratory. If he's meant to be younger than this, I think it needs changing in tone and style, even if what he has been through has made him more mature for his years. eg that previous sentence could become the more natural "That is why I am writing to you."

Having said that, I'm not clear why the narrator is writing to him. Why does he want him to know of the drought, the dreadful rocks? After all, he'll find out about them himself some day, and being told in advance isn't going to help -- indeed, having foreknowledge of terrible events may make things much, much worse. Do you want the narrator to tell him something which will make him alter events? The "give thanks" idea is particularly odd -- what does the narrator think he is to give thanks for? The fact he's sprung from somewhere? Having said that, I did like the final main para, as that did seem to me the right reason for someone to be told, so he could make sense of apparently small things. That seemed more natural, less bombastic than the rest.


Just a few nit-picky thoughts as I haven't much time:

"dragging, churning feeling" -- I know you don't want to give the game away, but this is both too much of a hint and not enough real emotion. Either you make him really feel, which might give the game away, or you distance it a little.

when the rainbow comes, it brings rain -- not unless you know something about meteorology that I don't

It all started in the hot summer of 1962. Back when your Dad was Sheriff... -- a good end line to segue into the opening chapter which we've seen on here, but I think I'd like a "long" before "hot". I know it's a cliche but it fits the rhythm better, and I'd make it all one sentence, with a comma after "1962" rather than a full stop.


** Copyright: Rumpole of the Bailey

PS You'd responded to the others before I'd finished, so some of this isn't needed any more. And by the way: *slap*

 

[ValerieJLong]

To be honest, I read until "Look at the poem above ...", which broke my attention.

The first two paragraphs were okay, even attracting, but I became impatient, wanted to shout "tell me the story, don't beat around the bush any longer" at the narrator.

This may depend on taste and even on the time of day.

 

[ctg]

If this is a letter as you say it is, then why don't frame it as a letter. At the moment it reads to me as opening to the book, not a letter that one could be reading as a letter. Therefore, if my opinion matters at all, I would rewrite this and try to frame the words come from the letter, possibly starting with words, "Dear (character),

I know this might sound strange but I have a reason, a very good reason to ..."

In that way you are making the reader to be the fly on 'readers' shoulder and in that way diving into the story as and when it begins in the chapter one. In there you would have to make sure that your narrator voice continues strong until you pick up the POV character.

 

[Boneman]

Judge, (BTW, the slap was due a while back, I'm not sure if this was to build up tension in me, or not - waiting for the slap was worse than when it came...) Strangely enough I wanted the 'Child is father to the man' quote, but when it came to it, the rainbow struck me more... stupid muse, I blame her. His archaic speech is because he has been speaking in a different language for so long, that he's translating in his head, rather than English as his first tongue.

when the rainbow comes, it brings rain -- not unless you know something about meteorology that I don't

Old indian saying, along with ' white man speak with forked tongue'. Can't have a rainbow without rain... it's just that it's been turned around. I couldn't say 'When rain comes it brings a rainbow', 'coz you'd tell me the sun has to be shining...

Val, does this mean you'd read on to find out, or would you put the book down, annoyed at my presaging incredible action?. I think taking out the poem altogether is a better idea, and ctg, I like your idea of actually framing it as a letter. Except I'll have to find a way of disguising who it's actually to, or it will give too much away. Would using a cursive script (to make it look like it's handwritten) annoy or help?

Thanks all!

 

[The Judge]

His archaic speech is because he has been speaking in a different language for so long, that he's translating in his head, rather than English as his first tongue.

Ah ha. In that case an apology from him for his writing -- it's been so long since I spoke English etc -- would be an idea. First it stops cavillers like me, and second it foreshadows other events nicely without belabouring it.

Old indian saying... Can't have a rainbow without rain... it's just that it's been turned around.

Stick with the real quote -- and say where it comes from as that also foreshadows in an unobtrusive way.

Except I'll have to find a way of disguising who it's actually to, or it will give too much away.

But you've told us who it's to -- "when your dad was sheriff" (incidentally, note lower case -- though I might forgive a capital "S" as there is only one of him). What you need to disguise is who it's from.

Would using a cursive script (to make it look like it's handwritten) annoy or help?

Annoy. Me, anyway.



And both Teresa and I missed a slap?! We're slipping.

 

[Ursa major]

At (or near**) the beginning of earlier drafts of each of my WiPs I've used a letter - well, an e-mail - to deliver information to the reader. I later abondoned it for WiP1 as I thought it pulled the reader away from the story even before it started (hence my earlier comments). The e-mail had an attachment, which contained the content of most of the rest of the book.

You have a similar situation. I imagine that what now may become a letter is either in an envelope attached to (or merely associated with) the package containing the text that constitutes the rest of your book.

Just because I wanted the reader to know the date and something about the letter's writer and recipient, that doesn't mean that you have to include this information. There are any number of ways to write a letter - or a note, for that matter - and there are many ways by which bits of a letter can go missing.

Alternatively, you could adopt a very close POV from the start. That means that you only have to tell the reader what your POV sees (and what they don't skip over) and it's up to him or her as to how they read it:

Even though the letter was written in a spidery hand***, it was clearly addressed to him. [...] He opened the package. Inside a protective layer formed from the remains of a cardboard box, were pages and pages of closely printed text....

Okay, I can see why you may not want to frame your frame story in this way, but there must be scores of means by which you could skip over the stuff you wouldn't want the reader to know (until later).



** - As this beginning of the book was somewhat action-free, I placed a prologue (also long since discarded) in front of it. (Talk about when you're in a hole, keep digging....)

*** - I guess this is like the need to portray the use of different language: sometimes it's better to be told than shown.

 

[Peter Graham]

Hi Boneman,

As a piece of writing, I like it. Strong and assured with a good pace, a credible narrative voice and a nice atmosphere.

But what I'm less sure about is whether you need it at all. Personally, I often feel that prologues are there not because a book needs it, but because the author feels that the book is the sort of book which really should have a prologue. And perhaps an epilogue. And maybe a glossary. And a few appendices.

I'm not putting you into this category, I hasten to add, but I do think you have to ask yourself what value you are adding. I suspect that you are hoping to whet the appetite of your reader, but my concern is that you may be doing more harm than good.

For one thing, the prologue seems to contain spoilers

Because of you, thousands lived, who would have died. Fathers, mothers, children. Because of you, the good guys won, and the bad guys lost. Because of you, those who loved you unconditionally were saved. Except for one. The one you would have given your life for. The one who gave meaning to your emptiness. The one who filled your life with purpose.

This tells me (perhaps quite wrongly), that Our Hero is going to save the world, but that his girly (cf. Zarozinia), or his best chum (cf. Moonglum), or his poor old Mum (cf. Star Wars) or his Merlinesque mentor (cf. everyone) are not going to make the finish line.

It also implies (through your playing with timelines) that we might have a prophecy to deal with.

All of this is fine, but it's fairly stock stuff and (given your obvious ability as a writer), I very much doubt whether this is where the meat of your story lies. My guess is that your writing turns on your imagery and characterisation - the story rather than the plot. But this prologue is all plot. If you want to whet the reader's appetite, why not do so by offering a taster of the stuff you're really good at?

Regards,

Peter

 

[mygoditsraining]

Hi chap.

I think all the bits are there to make it work as a prologue; a sense of doom and loss and Epic Drama to come, although personally I feel it over-eggs things a bit.

That's just me, though, and there are lots and lots of very successful pieces of writing that I've rolled my eyes at for being OTT at times, so feel free to add the appropriate and requisite pinch of salt to that.

If it was me, I'd reccommend sticking the paragraph about poetry at the start, right after the poem. It flows better in my mind, having the author of the letter saying I know you hate poetry, which is why I've copied this one out; to get your attention.

There are bits and bobs I'd change, like "I'm not sure if you'll get this" - do you mean receive, or understand - but it's not like there's anything that I can't chalk up to me being idiosyncratic.

 

[Boneman]

Re: A possible prologue version 2

Many thanks all, very much appreciated. It really is incredible, when you think about it, the level of help you get here; and all you need to do is ask...

Version 2.


Hau, misứn

It is said that there are those who walk the earth; and those whose feet move, as the earth passes under them. In writing this, I hope to make you see that you are one who walks the earth. I hope to help you understand why Ancient Egypt fascinates you; why you are drawn to the Reservation Indians; and why you welcome the howl of a wolf, while all those around you shiver.

It is important that you should understand what happened. And the price that was paid, that others might live. The decison was taken willingly, though the cost grieves me still. I dream, as you have dreamt, of an Angel with long brown hair, dark eyes, and a smile that sets your heart pounding. I envy you your dreams and I grieve for your loss, that you will not know her in this lifetime. It is important that I tell you everything.

It all started in the long, hot summer of 1962. Back when your dad was still sheriff.

 

[Ursa major]

I think that fixes a lot of what I was worried about. The text is appropriately ambiguous: the reader will wonder what is going on (in a good way**), but you haven't really given anything away in terms of the plot.







** - The reader doesn't know exactly what the letter is about but ought to be intrigued enough to want to read on to find out. Which is, after all, what you want.

 

[HareBrain]

Re: A possible prologue version 2

It really is incredible, when you think about it, the level of help you get here; and all you need to do is ask...

... and one time in a million, you might get a consensus.

I didn't like the second version, I'm afraid. One big danger with its first couple of lines is that it could be taken as the author addressing the reader, as might be the case in a self-published book where the author was desperate to impart a message about humanity. But also, it's now so vague I just don't think it does anything. I was much more intrigued by your original opening with the bus pulling up.

 

[The Judge]

One for, one against, and here's me as the tie-breaker... and I'm ambivalent.

I like that it's shorter. I like that a certain portentousness has disappeared. But at the same time (?perhaps inevitably -- I don't know) it's lost atmosphere and a sense of personality which was good in the first. It also misses the hint of a link between narrator and recipient which was intriguing in the original. I see what HareBrain means about this being too vague, and I should say I didn't mind that the original apparently gave away some of the plot because I like foreshadowing.

I also don't like the new opening -- not helped by its passive feel "It is said..." -- who says? To me the first line of the second para is a much better one to start with (though I'd lose the "should") -- grabbier, more direct, more personal. I don't know that I'd keep the earth walking bit -- I appreciate it may well be a genuine Native American proverb, but it sounds like hippy new-age hokum.

Eek. Gotta go. Dinner's arrived. If I have any more thoughts, I'll post again.