reformated...thanks

Discussion in 'Critiques' started by Talican, Mar 26, 2010.

  1.  
    Talican

    Talican New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 25, 2010
    Messages:
    3
    just started writting one day
    HI, please reveiw the following short scene. I wrote this in one sitting, did not fix anything. I want to share and see if i have any chance at being a writer. I have an active imagination and have epic stories filling my head. One day i decided to stop being a chicken and started writing the following.

    The ground was damp and made Kirea’s feet feel funny as she moved slowly to the middle of the arena.

    She could hear them now getting louder, it had started as a dull rumble and escalated until the voices and banging had reached a defining roar.

    “Kill the bitch” she heard someone scream.

    At the same moment there was a loud crash as one of the long wooden bench’s had broken and threw a group of young men who had been using it as a launching pad to jump up and down upon.

    They fell into a ball of tangled limbs and rolled fitfully into the people sitting in front of them.

    No one seemed to pay any attention to them as everyone was intently watching the large bald man walk purposely to the center of the arena.

    He was ripped with muscle from head to toe, his black leather vest stretched across his tan skin.

    Kirea must have looked like a small child in comparison.

    He moved with the ease of a man half his size.

    Part of his face was covered in the sacred art of the Inewi. The markings were those of a tiger, the stripes starting above his left eye and following down the side of his face.

    Kirea realized that the markings represented the number of foes he had defeated in sacred combat.

    As he neared the center he stopped for a short moment and slowly turned his head into the direction of the Lord of the Seven Suns, he than lifted both arms to the sky and gave a fierce cry that sounded much like the wild fang cats Kirea used to hunt back on devils isle.

    With that the crowd went berserk and began yelling even louder if that was possible.

    Kirea focused intently trying to block out all the noise and distracting movements from the crowd as they waved their hands.

    She knew she wouldn’t be getting any second chance at this.

    The deafening sounds and thundering bangs began to melt away as the only thing she was conscious of was the large Inewi warrior standing not 15 paces in front of her.

    She locked her eyes on to the eyes of her enemy.

    She knew that she was an unknown and that he may not perceive her as a real threat, this was something she could use to her advantage.

    Her breathing became rhythmical as she fell into a state where time seamed to stand still.

    A solid yellow line stretched from her right hand into the empty void of space between her and her target.

    The yellow line continued straight forward in what seemed to be a path that stopped a few feat in front of the man but then danced over him in a large arc and curving around until it landed right on the back of his large head.

    She felt the cold rough texture of her blade against her fingers, it felt so light that if she let it go it may float away.

    The physical world seemed to give way, the only thing Kirea was aware of was the pounding of her heart in her ears, and the smell of his musk in her nose.

    She leapt forward following the yellow line and instantly felt better as she noticed a look of confusion cross his face as she sped toward him.

    He had never seen anyone move so quickly.

    He began to lower himself to brace for the impact, but it never came as Kirea followed the line and launched her body forward into a leaping front flip that seemed so effortlessly as if the yellow line had possessed her and was pulling her along.

    As she flipped through the air above her foe she brought her knife down hard.

    The Inewi warrior jerked his head up just as Kireas blade bit into the back of his skull.

    She landed on the ground crouching like a cat never looking back.

    There was silence then the thud of the large mans body striking the ground.
  2.  
    chrispenycate

    chrispenycate resident pedantissimo Staff Member

    Joined:
    Aug 10, 2005
    Messages:
    6,138
    Semicolon, but there's a problem with the "them". Who? her feet? This would have been eliminated if the next sentence had started with "The crowd" or something like that, but it starts with the sound instead.
    comma
    plural (benches) not apostrophe
    thrown
    fitfully?
    comma
    I assumed he rippled; the torn tissue did not enhance the image
    This is a sentence break. If you don't want one here, change the later "stretched" to "stretching"
    Seems a rather complex fact to "realise", just like that, if she had never heard of the tradition before.
    Full stop (period)
    then, and probably without the "he"
    devil's
    comma
    comma
    have perceived
    semicolon
    seemed
    feet
    semicolon
    semicolon
    effortless, comma
    Kirea's
    comma
    comma
    comma
    man's
    See what happens if you don't go over your work before posting? A spell checker is a great tool, but it is just a tool: it hasn't the intelligence to work out what you were trying to say, as long as the words you were using are in its dictionary. (as a matter of fact,I don't know if I have, particularly with that "fitfully".)

    You've used "may" a couple of times, which drags the point of reference to present tense (you can't "have mayed"), while the story is told in past. I'm not sure what to do about this; the conditional future recounted in the past is not a standard tale form. Perhaps shift entire regions of the battle when she is totally involved into present tense? Still, there are probably few pedants who would pick up on it.
  3.  
    Karn Maeshalanadae

    Karn Maeshalanadae Why?

    Joined:
    Dec 2, 2007
    Messages:
    3,848
    Alright, seeing as how Chris beat me to the punch on the grammar-his red pen is deadly around these parts-I'll focus more on the story.


    First off, I have to say that you should NEVER be ashamed of an overactive imagination nor epic stories filling your head. Embrace them, and never be too chicken to write, EVER. Kudos on you getting anything out. :)

    This has wonderful potential. You rightfully chose an action scene to draw our attention in to critiquing, and your grammatical errors aside, I felt that this was a very good bit to something far bigger. :D Hahaha, despite how fast your little girl Keria moves-she would still be no match for my ninja girl Katana. :D (No qualms about the name!)

    But I digress. I would certainly like to see more where this came from. Although I felt that the environment could have used just a tad more description-such as a roar from the crowd or perhaps a layout of the battlefield-I really felt Keria's thoughts on the whole matter. As I said, this has great potential, and if you keep an eye on your spelling and grammar, and remain consistent with your setup, this could go miles for you, I think.


    -Karn Maeshalanadae,
    Chronic Storm Elemental and Immortal Warrior Mage
  4.  
    Talican

    Talican New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 25, 2010
    Messages:
    3
    Hi, chrispenycate

    Thank you for taking the time to dissect my quick story. This weekend I will have time go over in detail the corrections that you have pointed out and I will try and apply them so that i can learn to write better. Word usage, sentence structure and punctuation are areas I need major help in. This will help me immensely, thank you.


    And Manarion,

    Thank you for the encouraging words. I have been jotting notes on this story for about a year and have allot of material that i have been hesitant to put down on paper.

    The above scene is the only thing that i have written story wise, and takes place further down the road. I wrote it one day at work just to see if i could do it. As for writing i am as green as it gets. Its funny(sad) but my wife is From Mongolia and English is her second language and I sometimes help her with her writing assignments for school, and she has to edit and fix my sentences.

    I am hoping with the help of people like yourself and chris, I will be able to sharpen my words so i can carve out some of these images that play in my head.
  5.  
    Rosemary

    Rosemary The Wicked Sword Maiden

    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2005
    Messages:
    3,456
    I'm glad to see that you finally took the plunge, Talican. What you have written so far I have enjoyed and am looking forward to your next part.

    Rosie

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