Prologue to my 'finished' novel (currently being proof read... again)

[Fal]

Hi folks, I've had a look (and commented on a couple) at a few other threads up for critique and decided it's time to jump in myself and offer up part of the prologue to my first novel, which i've finished and am currently having proof read (again), after a couple of full read through edits.

I'd appreciate feedback on how it flows, if it makes sense etc... I'm sure the grammer and any spelling will get picked up too, after seeing how effecient some of you are and it is all most welcome! Thanks in advance and (hopefully) enjoy!

Prologue
​

The well dressed, portly man grimaced as the bitter taste of salt stung his dry, cracked lips. The spray from the sea was cold and never seemed to cease, no matter where the merchant buyer stood on the wooden deck of the hired mercenary ship.

Timber creaked as the ship changed tack, the great, off-white sails flapping and snapping as the strong wind caught and filled them.

The ship’s crew, who seemed to wear as little as possible, scrambled across the rigging as they followed their captain’s orders.

A sail had been spotted on the horizon according to the crows nest and the captain was taking no chances, no matter how heavily armed his ship and crew were. For his paymaster was offering a handsome reward for the safe return of his merchant buyer and cargo, and should he lose any of it to even the smallest of skirmishes with pirates, then the whole trip would have been a waste of time and money, not to mention reputation, which was far harder to regain.

‘Any flag visible?’ called the captain’s first mate, a grisly fellow with a bald, sun kissed head and a toothless, wicked looking grin.

‘None that I can see. They must have seen us, yet they make no attempt to intercept’ called the boy in the crows nest, over the roar of the waves crashing against the large ship’s hull.

’Not pirates then’ commented the first mate, and the merchant buyer, who had been nervously fingering an encased scroll, sighed with obvious relief.

He had been given a great deal of trust by his employer with this trip and had struck gold with his last find whilst in the south, a scroll that he was sure his employer would agree made the trip worth while on it‘s own.

’Don’t worry none Sir, we’ll have you home to Wesson before you can say Samorl’s ball’s’ laughed the first mate and every crewmember within earshot joined in.

The merchant scoffed at the blasphemous remark and glanced at the captain disapprovingly.

The captain merely shrugged.

A cold wind chilled the air, although the sun beat down on the water washed wooden deck, and the merchant buyer couldn’t help but wonder what the weather was like back home. It looked clear up ahead, to the North, but he had been assured that they were still several days away yet and remained off the coast of Sirreta, which lay to the south of Altoln and it’s capital city of Wesson.

’Sails head’n south’ cried the young boy in the crows nest finally and the crew visibly relaxed before the captain barked a fresh order and they snapped to whatever it was they needed to do.

The merchant had clearly had enough excitement for one day and excused himself, much to the amusement of the first mate.

He walked to the back of the ship and opened the wooden door to his quarters, which were far smaller than he had expected and far less impressive, with little to no décor. He had to remind himself that for this trip, his employer in Wesson had insisted on a mercenary vessel instead of the usual merchant vessel, due to the nature and value of the goods he’d been sent south to buy.

Just as the man closed the door to the noisy world outside, he heard the boy from the crows nest call out again.

‘Sail on the horizon, north this time and head’n for us’.

The merchant buyer swallowed hard and stepped back through the portal, looking to the captain who nodded in return.

The crew busied themselves around the rigging and the merchant buyer struggled to see how they were doing anything different to what they did every time they saw a sail or had an order yelled at them.

The heavily tanned men and women, for there were two grisly looking females in the crew, scurried up and down ropes, nets, across beams and rails, higher and higher up into the great, tall masts of the large frigate, which all made the merchant buyer rather dizzy, not to mention the heavy swell of the deep waters which made his plump face turn green.

’What’s her heading, nest?’ cried the captain and the boy, thirteen if a day, called back again, as calm as a mill pond.

’Still heading straight for us Cap’n’.

’Very well, keep your eye on the sail behind us. I don’t want any surprises boy’.

’Yes Cap’n, that ones still head’n south’.

’You heard the lad. Look sharp and be ready to change tack again should I ask yer to’ cried the first mate, clearly well versed in his captain’s tactics.

’Archers on deck’ cried another officer and the merchant buyer heard a commotion below deck as over two dozen men with un-strung yew bows climbed up ladders and piled out of a trapdoor. They formed rough ranks at the centre of the ship and within seconds had strung their bows. They had quivers of arrows at their sides and a variety of hand axes and short swords, cutlasses and rapiers hanging from their belts.

‘Be ready with which side I want yer when I call for it’ cried the first mate and the archers voiced their acknowledgement.

The ship crashed over a particularly large wave and the merchant buyer stumbled, catching himself at the last minute and cursing himself for almost dropping the precious scroll. His cheeks turned from green to red as he noticed how not only the sailors, but the archers too had hardly moved as the ship rolled over the giant wave.

‘You might be best in yer cabin Sir, should things get nasty you see’ offered the first mate and the merchant buyer nodded.

‘Yes your right, I’ll leave you gentlemen to your area of expertise. I don’t want to get in your way, but… should you need me… just-’

‘We know where to find you aye Sir’ said the first mate with a wink.

The merchant buyer gave a quick, shallow bow and shuffled back into his cabin, closing the door behind him as more yelling of orders on deck erupted and a stream of information flowed down from the boy in the crows nest.

He played with the encased scroll a little longer, then opened a small chest at the foot of his bed and placed the expensive, magical item inside. He closed the lid after it and clamped a heavy, iron padlock through the locking loop before dropping onto the small bed and closing his eyes, praying that the sail coming towards them didn’t belong to a pirate ship.

Whilst laying on his bed, his stomach lurched and felt worse with every minute that passed. He felt the ship change course at least twice as the captain and his first mate’s voices roared orders left, right and centre.

Then he heard the order he hoped he would not.

He heard the order for the archers to loose.




This is where I find out I haven't headed the advice I've given to others on other threads hehe...

 

[chrispenycate]

Hi folks, I've had a look (and commented on a couple) at a few other threads up for critique and decided it's time to jump in myself and offer up part of the prologue to my first novel, which i've finished and am currently having proof read (again), after a couple of full read through edits.

I'd appreciate feedback on how it flows, if it makes sense etc... I'm sure the grammer

grammar

and any spelling will get picked up too, after seeing how effecient some of you are and it is all most welcome! Thanks in advance and (hopefully) enjoy!

Prologue
​

The well dressed, portly man grimaced as the bitter taste of salt stung his dry, cracked lips. The spray from the sea was cold and never seemed to cease, no matter where the merchant buyer stood on the wooden deck of the hired mercenary ship.

Timber creaked as the ship changed tack, the great, off-white sails flapping and snapping as the strong wind caught and filled them.

The ship’s crew, who seemed to wear as little as possible, scrambled across the rigging as they followed their captain’s orders.

A sail had been spotted on the horizon according to the crows

crow's nest

nest and the captain was taking no chances, no matter how heavily armed his ship and crew were. For his paymaster was offering a handsome reward for the safe return of his merchant buyer and cargo, and should he lose any of it to even the smallest of skirmishes with pirates, then the whole trip would have been a waste of time and money, not to mention reputation, which was far harder to regain.

‘Any flag visible?’ called the captain’s

the "First Mate" aboard a ship is a standard post; you don't need the "captain's"

first mate, a grisly fellow with a bald, sun kissed head and a toothless, wicked looking grin.

careful about all these doubled adjectives, particularly when so many of them are double-barrelled

‘None that I can see. They must have seen us, yet they make no attempt to intercept’ called the boy in the crows

crow's

nest, over the roar of the waves crashing against the large ship’s hull.

’Not pirates then’ commented the first mate, and the merchant buyer, who had been nervously fingering an encased scroll, sighed with obvious relief.

He had been given a great deal of trust by his employer with this trip and had struck gold with his last find whilst in the south, a scroll that he was sure his employer would agree made the trip worth while on it‘s

its; the apostrophe is only used in contractions (usually "it is", occasionally "it has"

own.

’Don’t worry none Sir, we’ll have you home to Wesson before you can say Samorl’s ball’s’ laughed the first mate and every crewmember within earshot joined in.

The merchant scoffed at the blasphemous remark and glanced at the captain disapprovingly.

The captain merely shrugged.

A cold wind chilled the air, although the sun beat down on the water

hyphen; and was that alliteration deliberate?

washed wooden deck, and the merchant buyer couldn’t help but wonder what the weather was like back home. It looked clear up ahead, to the North, but he had been assured that they were still several days away yet and remained off the coast of Sirreta, which lay to the south of Altoln and it’s

its

capital city of Wesson.

’Sails head’n south’ cried the young boy in the crows nest

crow's nest

finally and the crew visibly relaxed before the captain barked a fresh order and they snapped to whatever it was they needed to do.

The merchant had clearly had enough excitement for one day and excused himself, much to the amusement of the first mate.

He walked to the back

I'd say "stern" even for a lubber

of the ship and opened the wooden door to his quarters, which were far smaller than he had expected and far less impressive, with little to no décor. He had to remind himself that for this trip, his employer in Wesson had insisted on a mercenary vessel instead of the usual merchant vessel, due to the nature and value of the goods he’d been sent south to buy.

Just as the man closed the door to the noisy world outside, he heard the boy from the crows

crow's

nest call out again.

‘Sail on the horizon, north this time and head’n for us’.

The merchant buyer swallowed hard and stepped back through the portal, looking to the captain who nodded in return.

The crew busied themselves around the rigging and the merchant buyer struggled to see how they were doing anything different to what they did every time they saw a sail or had an order yelled at them.

The heavily tanned men and women, for there were two grisly looking females in the crew, scurried up and down ropes, nets, across beams and rails, higher and higher up into the great, tall masts of the large frigate, which all made the merchant buyer rather dizzy, not to mention the heavy swell of the deep waters which made his plump face turn green.

’What’s her heading, nest?’ cried the captain and the boy, thirteen if a day, called back again, as calm as a mill pond.

’Still heading straight for us Cap’n’.

’Very well, keep your eye on the sail behind us. I don’t want any surprises boy’.

’Yes Cap’n, that ones

one's

still head’n south’.

’You heard the lad. Look sharp and be ready to change tack again should I ask yer to’ cried the first mate, clearly well versed in his captain’s tactics.

’Archers on deck’ cried another officer and the merchant buyer heard a commotion below deck as over two dozen men with un-strung yew bows climbed up ladders and piled out of a trapdoor. They formed rough ranks at the centre of the ship and within seconds had strung their bows. They had quivers of arrows at their sides and a variety of hand axes and short swords, cutlasses and rapiers hanging from their belts.

‘Be ready with which side I want yer when I call for it’ cried the first mate and the archers voiced their acknowledgement.

The ship crashed over a particularly large wave and the merchant buyer stumbled, catching himself at the last minute and cursing himself for almost dropping the precious scroll. His cheeks turned from green to red as he noticed how not only the sailors, but the archers too had hardly moved as the ship rolled over the giant wave.

‘You might be best in yer cabin

comma

Sir, should things get nasty

I suspect comma

you see’ offered the first mate and the merchant buyer nodded.

‘Yes your right, I’ll leave you gentlemen to your area of expertise. I don’t want to get in your way, but… should you need me… just-’

‘We know where to find you

comma

aye Sir’ said the first mate

comma

with a wink.

The merchant buyer gave a quick, shallow bow and shuffled back into his cabin, closing the door behind him as more yelling of orders on deck erupted and a stream of information flowed down from the boy in the crows nest.

He played with the encased scroll a little longer, then opened a small chest at the foot of his bed and placed the expensive, magical item inside. He closed the lid after it and clamped a heavy, iron padlock through the locking loop before dropping onto the small bed and closing his eyes, praying that the sail coming towards them didn’t belong to a pirate ship.

Whilst laying on his bed, his stomach lurched and felt worse with every minute that passed. He felt the ship change course at least twice as the captain and his first mate’s voices roared orders left, right and centre.

Then he heard the order he hoped he would not.

He heard the order for the archers to loose.




This is where I find out I haven't headed

heeded?

the advice I've given to others on other threads hehe...

There are a number of Oxford commas I would use, but am well aware this is not universally recommended.

 

[Fal]

Thanks for the swift reply chrispenycate, much appreciated and now you've pointed all that out, I find it hard to see how I haven't noticed such things myself, as it reads much better with your (correct) additions/corrections.

I'm not the best speller in the world, by far, but I'm certainly glad that it's something that can be checked and corrected at a later date.

As for the alliteration, if you mean: " ’Don’t worry none Sir, " then yes, it was deliberate. If, on the other hand, you mean something else that I am too stupid to spiot myself, please point it out

Thanks again chrispenycate, your input is invaluable! It's a shame I can't clone a mini you and have you placed on my laptop

 

[Interference]

I think Microsoft calls it Clippie. It pops up and says, "It looks like you're trying to write a novel set against a background of mystery, piracy and fantasy, would you like some help?"

Just using this as a place-holder, I haven't much time on Fridays, but I'd like to come back and throw in my two cents' worth if no one says everything I was going to say first ....

 

[chrispenycate]

The alliteration in question was "water washed wooden". It's not wrong, but it's a bit like me writing a four-wheeled conveyance pulled by a large, winged lizard, then having to find ways of avoiding saying "dragon wagon".

Hmm, open sauce MicroChrispy; runs, or at least strolls, on any platform. Doesn't insult you by saying 'this is a fragment', or 'passive mood, you might like to…' but does say 'you need another four paragraphs before you can log on, or stop for a beer, then we'll see how much we can cut out of them'.

 

[Fal]

Ahh... I see it yes, a little bit of pointlessness on my part there, when I could have just said deck, or maybe even ship?

I look forward to your views Interference!

 

[RcGrant]

There are a number of Oxford commas I would use, but am well aware this is not universally recommended.

Can I start a SFF Chronicles Oxford comma appreciation society too?

 

[zachariah]

I love dragon wagon. It's a title in itself. Orc talk. Elf self. Wizard blizzard. Rich witch. Tragic magic. These are books that write themselves!

 

[zachariah]

Apologies to Fal, don't mean to tread on your thread. Loved the setting, you give a good sense of the ship and crew. I'd question why the merchant would be on deck, holding a paper scroll loose in his robes, when it's so valuable - more likely he would be stuck inside his cabin, sitting on the lockbox and jumping at every knock on the door.

 

[chrispenycate]

Can I start a SFF Chronicles Oxford comma appreciation society too?

I will doubtless join; we could start the "obscure grammarians" social group on the CP page, and decry those who use "like" where it should be "as if".

The Judge would doubtless join us.

But it shouldn't be done by threadjacking a critique; go on, mark where you'd have put in serial commas, and we'll see how closely it aligns with mine

 

[Fal]

lol I see a comma war developing!

Thanks for the comments Zacharia and I see what you mean about the merchant and scroll being on deck. I shall certainly think on it further... I think I want him on deck, but your definately right about the scroll; for which I now have another idea panning out in my head.

 

[The Judge]

I will doubtless join; we could start the "obscure grammarians" social group on the CP page, and decry those who use "like" where it should be "as if".

The Judge would doubtless join us.

She would indeed! Though I have to confess that I'm ambivalent about the Oxford comma itself (we all of us have our blind spots!).

Fal, it's a bit late for a thorough nit-pick, but some things I've seen which Chris hasn't picked you up on:

'... no matter how heavily armed his ship and crew were. For his paymaster was offering a handsome reward...' If you want to keep the 'for' (ie as a synonym for 'because') then you'll have to run the sentence on, rather than full-stopping. I'd prefer to lose it, though (since you have another 'for' in the last half of the sentence) and start with 'he' either following a full stop or a colon.

'... They must have seen us, yet they make no attempt to intercept’ called the boy...' For a boy in a crow's nest he's surprisingly well-spoken: 'must have' not 'must've', 'attempt', 'intercept' - I don't think I'd have given him that level of education. And I'd have thought '... yet they're making...' since it's a continuing action.
This is also an example of the way you regularly fail to punctutate correctly at the end of direct speech. Here, before an attribution there should be a comma - ie '... to intercept,' called the boy...'. Later on, the mistake is even worse when there is no attribution and you place the full stop outside the quotation marks ie '... I don’t want any surprises boy’.' It should, of course, be '... any surprises boy.' '

'The merchant scoffed at the blasphemous remark and glanced at the captain disapprovingly.' 'Scoffed' means to express derison or scorn, which hardly seems the appropriate response to blasphemy, nor in keeping with the disapproving glance.

'...’Sails head’n south’ cried the young boy...' The usual way to show a swallowing of '-ing' at the end of a word is by dropping the 'g' only ie 'headin' south'; I suppose it is clear what you mean but it looks odd. And I'd have thought 'young boy' was one under 10 - not a hulking great 13 year old - though I'm far from clear why you feel the need to give his age later, especially in the form you do.

'... and they snapped to whatever it was they needed to do.' I appreciate that we're seeing this through the merchant's eyes, and he isn't going to know sheeting the mainsail from futtling the shrouds or whatever the expressions are, but this reads as though you're the one without a clue. If you don't know what the sailors are doing, either learn or don't refer to it except in an simple educated way ie 'they busied themselves again'.

'The merchant had clearly had enough excitement...' You don't seem to have attracted the attentions of those who get excited about POV problems (lucky you!) - but just watch this kind of thing. Up until now we've effectively been seeing things through the merchant's eyes; the 'clearly' is either an authorial adverb or we are now in someone else's head looking at the merchant and guessing at his motives - either way it's jarring.

' ‘Yes your right...' This should be 'you're right' - it's a contraction of 'you are' not a possessive.

Anyway, that's probably enough to be going on with, so I think I'll call it a night there. If Interference comes back he may well pick up some of the other things which caught my eye. In the meantime, I agree with Chris about the repeated use of double adjectives, they become monotonous after a while - in fact you might want to rethink a lot of the adjectives. I'd also question your repeated use of 'merchant buyer' - most merchants are buyers (as well as sellers). If he's not a merchant in his own right, since it usually refers to a principal not an employee, then I'd suggest 'merchant's agent' the first time and just 'agent' thereafter.

It's rather intriguing set up - I'm trying to guess what is in the mystery scroll, and whether these are pirates coming and if they know about the scroll, so it's done its job of making me read on, which is the main thing!

J

PS Welcome to the Chronicles!

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

OK I have a few odd thruppeny bits and tanners to throw in the ring so here goes.

First it's just not seafaring enough to me. It sounds like somebdy has press ganged the upper sixt of Eton College and forced them to be this crew of motly toffs.

The well dressed, portly man grimaced as the bitter taste of salt stung his dry, cracked lips. The spray from the sea was cold and never seemed to cease, no matter where the merchant buyer stood on the wooden deck of the hired mercenary ship.

Timber (The ship's timbers creaked - one timber on its own is fairly quiet) creaked as the ship changed tack, the great, off-white sails flapping and snapping as the strong wind caught and filled them.

The ship’s crew, who seemed to wear as little as possible, scrambled across the rigging as they followed their captain’s orders (usually the captain stands aloof - it's his underlings that do all the shouting and ordering).

A sail had been spotted on the horizon according to the crows nest and the captain was taking no chances, no matter how heavily armed his ship and crew were. For his paymaster was offering a handsome reward for the safe return of his merchant buyer and cargo, and should he lose any of it to even the smallest of skirmishes with pirates, then the whole trip would have been a waste of time and money, not to mention reputation, which was far harder to regain.

‘Any flag visible?’ called the captain’s first mate (the first mate) , a grisly fellow with a bald, sun kissed head and a toothless, wicked looking grin.

‘None that I can see. They must have seen us, yet they make no attempt to intercept’ ( Oh, and two lumps in my tea please Captain. This is the 'Swithers of the sixth' bit. Hardly salty old sea dog's talk - try "No flag an' holdin' 'er 'eading" ) called the boy in the crows nest, over the roar of the waves crashing against the large ship’s hull. (Why is the size of the ship relavent here, you could get away with "with roar of the waves")

’Not pirates then’ commented (why, who to, and what happened to the roar of the waves) the first mate.(, and the) The merchant buyer, who had been nervously fingering an encased scroll, sighed with obvious relief. (The Meechant Buyer is becomming tedious can't you give him a name)

He had been given a great deal of trust by his employer with this trip and had struck gold with his last find whilst in the south, a scroll that he was sure his employer would agree made the trip worth while on it‘s own.

’Don’t worry none Sir, we’ll have you home to Wesson before you can say Samorl’s ball’s’ laughed the first mate and every crewmember within earshot joined in. (over the roar of the waves?)

The merchant scoffed at the blasphemous remark and glanced at the captain disapprovingly.

The captain merely shrugged.

A cold wind chilled the air, although the sun beat down on the water washed wooden deck, and the merchant buyer couldn’t help but wonder what the weather was like back home. It looked clear up ahead, to the North, but he had been assured that they were still several days away yet and remained off the coast of Sirreta, which lay to the south of Altoln and it’s capital city of Wesson. (phew! so the town to the north has something to the south of it. - It's a long clumsey sentence IMO)

’Sails head’n south’ (we are going north so why isn't it coming directly toward us - in which case why the relaxed) cried the young boy in the crows nest finally and the crew visibly relaxed before the captain barked a fresh order and they snapped to whatever it was they needed to do.

Had to stop here - too long for me, sorry

TEiN

 

[RcGrant]

Okay, I'm biting the bullet, since I feel bad for using your thread to speak of the Oxford comma (on a side note, bad Judge, how can you be ambivalent?!), and because Chris threw down the gauntlet! Just hoping my html skills hold up.

The well dressed, portly man grimaced as the bitter taste of salt stung his dry, cracked lips. The spray from the sea was cold and never seemed to cease, no matter where the merchant buyer stood on the wooden deck of the hired mercenary ship.

Timber creaked as the ship changed tack, the great, off-white sails flapping and snapping as the strong wind caught and filled them.

The ship’s crew, who seemed to wear as little as possible, scrambled across the rigging as they followed their captain’s orders.

A sail had been spotted on the horizon according to the crows nest and the captain was taking no chances, no matter how heavily armed his ship and crew were. For his paymaster was offering a handsome reward for the safe return of his merchant buyer and cargo, and should he lose any of it to even the smallest of skirmishes with pirates, then the whole trip would have been a waste of time and money, not to mention reputation, which was far harder to regain.

A sail had been spotted on the horizon according to the crow's nest, and the captain was taking no chances, no matter how heavily armed his ship and crew were.

‘Any flag visible?’ called the captain’s first mate, a grisly fellow with a bald, sun kissed head and a toothless, wicked looking grin.

with a bald, sun-kissed head, and a toothless, wicked looking grin.

‘None that I can see. They must have seen us, yet they make no attempt to intercept’ called the boy in the crows nest, over the roar of the waves crashing against the large ship’s hull.

'intercept,' called the boy
crow's nest
I'd probably delete 'large' too, because I'm picky.

’Not pirates then’ commented the first mate, and the merchant buyer, who had been nervously fingering an encased scroll, sighed with obvious relief.

He had been given a great deal of trust by his employer with this trip and had struck gold with his last find whilst in the south, a scroll that he was sure his employer would agree made the trip worth while on
it‘s own.

'pirates then,' commented the first mate

He had been given a great deal of trust by his employer with this trip, and had struck gold whilst in the south: a scroll that he was sure his employer would agree made the trip worth while on its own.

’Don’t worry none Sir, we’ll have you home to Wesson before you can say Samorl’s ball’s’ laughed the first mate and every crewmember within earshot joined in.

The merchant scoffed at the blasphemous remark and glanced at the captain disapprovingly.

The captain merely shrugged.

'Don't worry none, Sir, we'll have you home to Wesson before you can say "Samorl's balls",' laughed the first mate, and every crew member within earshot joined in.

If he scoffed then he was already disapproving.

A cold wind chilled the air, although the sun beat down on the water washed wooden deck, and the merchant buyer couldn’t help but wonder what the weather was like back home. It looked clear up ahead, to the North, but he had been assured that they were still several days away yet and remained off the coast of Sirreta, which lay to the south of Altoln and it’s capital city of Wesson.

Do you need 'water' AND 'washed'?

north (assuming you mean compass direction)

its

’Sails head’n south’ cried the young boy in the crows nest finally and the crew visibly relaxed before the captain barked a fresh order and they snapped to whatever it was they needed to do.

The merchant had clearly had enough excitement for one day and excused himself, much to the amusement of the first mate.

'Sail's head'n south,' cried the young boy in the crow's nest, and the crew visibly relaxed before the captain barked a fresh order...

I'd be more specific than 'what they needed to do'.

He walked to the back of the ship and opened the wooden door to his quarters, which were far smaller than he had expected and far less impressive, with little to no décor. He had to remind himself that for this trip, his employer in Wesson had insisted on a mercenary vessel instead of the usual merchant vessel, due to the nature and value of the goods he’d been sent south to buy.

Just as the man closed the door to the noisy world outside, he heard the boy from the crows nest call out again.

crow's nest

‘Sail on the horizon, north this time and head’n for us’.

The merchant buyer swallowed hard and stepped back through the portal, looking to the captain who nodded in return.

The crew busied themselves around the rigging and the merchant buyer struggled to see how they were doing anything different to what they did every time they saw a sail or had an order yelled at them.

around the rigging, and the merchant buyer struggled

The heavily tanned men and women, for there were two grisly looking females in the crew, scurried up and down ropes, nets, across beams and rails, higher and higher up into the great, tall masts of the large frigate, which all made the merchant buyer rather dizzy, not to mention the heavy swell of the deep waters which made his plump face turn green.

’What’s her heading, nest?’ cried the captain and the boy, thirteen if a day, called back again, as calm as a mill pond.

’Still heading straight for us Cap’n’.

’Very well, keep your eye on the sail behind us. I don’t want any surprises boy’.

’Yes Cap’n, that ones still head’n south’.

cried the captain, and the boy, thirteen if a day, called back again, as calm as a mill pond.

'Still heading straight for us, Cap'n'.'

'I don't want any surprises, boy.'

'Yes, Cap'n, that one's still

’You heard the lad. Look sharp and be ready to change tack again should I ask yer to’ cried the first mate, clearly well versed in his captain’s tactics.

’Archers on deck’ cried another officer and the merchant buyer heard a commotion below deck as over two dozen men with un-strung yew bows climbed up ladders and piled out of a trapdoor. They formed rough ranks at the centre of the ship and within seconds had strung their bows. They had quivers of arrows at their sides and a variety of hand axes and short swords, cutlasses and rapiers hanging from their belts.

'yer to,' cried the first mate,

'Archers on deck,' cried another officer, and the merchant buyer heard

They had quivers of arrows at their sides, and a variety of hand axes, short swords, cutlasses, and rapiers hanging from their belts.

‘Be ready with which side I want yer when I call for it’ cried the first mate and the archers voiced their acknowledgement.

The ship crashed over a particularly large wave and the merchant buyer stumbled, catching himself at the last minute and cursing himself for almost dropping the precious scroll. His cheeks turned from green to red as he noticed how not only the sailors, but the archers too had hardly moved as the ship rolled over the giant wave.

'Be ready with which side I want yer on when I call for it,' cried the first mate, and the archers voiced their acknowledgement.

‘You might be best in yer cabin Sir, should things get nasty you see’ offered the first mate and the merchant buyer nodded.

‘Yes your right, I’ll leave you gentlemen to your area of expertise. I don’t want to get in your way, but… should you need me… just-’

‘We know where to find you aye Sir’ said the first mate, with a wink.

'You might be best in yer cabin, Sir, should things get nasty, you see,' offered the first mate, and the merchant buyer nodded.

'Yes, you're right...'

No space after ellipses.

'Aye, we know where to find you, Sir,' said the first mate with a wink.

The merchant buyer gave a quick, shallow bow and shuffled back into his cabin, closing the door behind him as more yelling of orders on deck erupted and a stream of information flowed down from the boy in the crows nest.

He played with the encased scroll a little longer, then opened a small chest at the foot of his bed and placed the expensive, magical item inside. He closed the lid after it and clamped a heavy, iron padlock through the locking loop before dropping onto the small bed and closing his eyes, praying that the sail coming towards them didn’t belong to a pirate ship.

The merchant buyer gave a quick, shallow bow, and shuffled back to his cabin.

'more yelling of orders' seems awkward, and passive.

crow's nest

and placed it inside.

He closed the lid and clamped a heavy, iron padlock through the locking loop before dropping onto the small bed, closing his eyes as he prayed that the sail heading for them didn't belong to a pirate ship.

Whilst laying on his bed, his stomach lurched and felt worse with every minute that passed. He felt the ship change course at least twice as the captain and his first mate’s voices roared orders left, right and centre.

Then he heard the order he hoped he would not.

He heard the order for the archers to loose.

lying

orders left, right, and centre.

Then he heard the order he hoped he would not: the order for the archers to loose

Do you mean let loose?

 

[Fal]

Wow I got slammed lol, thanks for all the help folks. I'm no Oxford English expert and so I thank you for the heads up, it's opened my eyes to a lot and given me a huge amount of work on the rest of my novel, just from what's above!

I realise now, that it all needs a lot more work/re-work and looking into and I appreciate the time you have all spent.

RcGrant, as for: 'Do you mean let loose?', no. The term for loosing your bow, was just that, "loose" as apose to "fire" which we still hear alot of groups/films/tv shows using, and not "let loose". (Something I have picked up through years of Re-enactment, Archery and Medieval research). Thank you though, for your invaluable time and help, it is most appreciated!

Just a little history: I've never taken so much as an A-Level in English Language, although I did get a good grade in GCSE, that was many years ago and to be quite honest, we were never tought as much as you folk seem to know. I've also never taken any creative writing courses or the like and so, a couple of years ago, since my imagination always runs away with me, I decided to start to write the book I had always thought about writing.
Two years later, here I am, with the story finished and a couple of (me) edits (clearly missing loads lol), looking for (and finding thankfully) the help I desperately need.

So thank you again folks, you've opened my eyes to quite a lot, and I'd rather find out now and put in months more work, than have it laughed at by an agent.

Cheers all

 

[Noah Phoenix]

Everything I was going to say has been covered by the others, really.

I really liked this, its got me intrigued as to what the scroll is all about. The only thing I would say, is that I'd have liked to read more of how nervous the merchant was of the impending ship. His cargo is obviously valuable, but all the sea sickness covered up his feelings of dread. It could well have been a good comparison of how the sea made him feel, and the similarity of how the thought of loosing his cargo made him feel.

Just a suggestion!

Otherwise I really liked it. Would love to read more. I've never been much of a 'sea faring books' reader until I read 'Corsair' by Tim Severin. Now I've been Amazoning all his books and a few others. I'm sure as a similar writer you've read him.

 

[RcGrant]

RcGrant, as for: 'Do you mean let loose?', no. The term for loosing your bow, was just that, "loose" as apose to "fire" which we still hear alot of groups/films/tv shows using, and not "let loose". (Something I have picked up through years of Re-enactment, Archery and Medieval research). Thank you though, for your invaluable time and help, it is most appreciated!

Just a little history: I've never taken so much as an A-Level in English Language, although I did get a good grade in GCSE, that was many years ago and to be quite honest, we were never tought as much as you folk seem to know. I've also never taken any creative writing courses or the like and so, a couple of years ago, since my imagination always runs away with me, I decided to start to write the book I had always thought about writing.
Two years later, here I am, with the story finished and a couple of (me) edits (clearly missing loads lol), looking for (and finding thankfully) the help I desperately need.

Thank you for explaining. I wasn't sure, but I had a feeling there was something more 'expert' about the term, hence why I didn't just correct it. I like learning new things.

My English is self-taught. My classes were rubbish - somehow I left school with great grades in English, but had no idea what basic punctuation was about; I thought a comma was an unconscious period.

I don't go in for creative writing classes either, but firmly believe that if a person wants something badly enough, they will do whatever it takes to give themselves the skills they need to have a fighting chance at reaching their goals. I see writing as a bit like an apprenticeship, and I tried to teach myself from the ground up. The craft, as you'll often see it called, is a different ball-game from the inspiration, muse, and lightbulb moments you will read about. In short, it's bloody hard work, and if you want it, then you will put in the hours. From what I can see in this thread, you're serious. So don't worry.

Essential tool kit includes (in my opinion) 'The Elements of Style'.

Will keep my eyes open for more of your posts.

 

[zachariah]

I'm thinking of writing a chemistry book called 'The Style of Elements'.

 

[Fal]

Thanks Noah, I liked the suggestion, I'll think on that as I like how it would kill two birds with one stone, so to speak.

As for Tim Severin, I haven't read any of his books, but I am sure I'll be visiting Amazon with that same search very soon.

I guess my prologue is a little misleading, because the novel isn't set at sea, at all. The scroll, as you have rightly guessed, is the focus of the prologue and it's journey north. Ships are mentioned and do play a key role in the novel, but from afar, however, they will be making a larger appearence in the second and third of the trilogy (so I really do need to learn more about nautical terminology etc...).

RcGrant, my pleasure with regards to 'loose'. I'm no archer myself, but many of my friends are, and I have assisted in many talks on medieval archery, crossbows, recurve bows and the long bow (or war bow as it was called at the time. Long bow was of course a victorian addition to history. They do seem to like to change things don't they).

I'm glad I wasn't the only one to come away from school with a good GCSE in English, yet a lack of knowledge when it comes to grammer, punctuation and spelling to name but a few.

Your an inspiration though, and I will be sure to knuckle down and start enlightening myself with regards to the above.

Is 'The Elements of Style' a book? Or am I completely off base there?
If it is, I certainly want to be buying that one!

Thanks again guys for your support. I'm not one who can't take criticism, but it's pretty hard to see faults picked (rightly so, of course) with something you've worked so hard on, as I'm sure you all know!
However, after reading your two comments, plus others on the sight, I feel a lot better again and up for it!

I'm off to eat and then enjoy the sun a little before it dissapears now, so byeee.

 

[RcGrant]

I'm thinking of writing a chemistry book called 'The Style of Elements'.

Hydrogen would wear a top hat.