Infodump, ARGH!

[Challah Rajni]

Greetings again all. This is an excerpt from a short story I've been having too much fun with. I imagined everything in the story being spoken (dialect/slang), so unless there is something I'm doing in there that's going to cause a linguistic apocalypse, I'm less interested in grammar. Let me know if you had serious trouble understanding, or if the flow was jarring.

Flow is my next problem. This part is the weakest part in the story so far. Halfway into this section, the energy dies. The creation story sounds hackneyed. Even the rest of the story around this piece and the personality of my narator can't seem to save it.

Any suggestions and comments are welcome and greatly appreciated.

*mild language warning

***

That smile got me thinkin’ and listenin’. To her, even the nothin’ between the stars, an’ the COMM razz had a song in ‘em.

I never stopped listening for the songs, Muallu.

Muallu was a Dollum, a lot like the Tellum—the bums who've been blasting the **** out o’ us all my years—just her race was more red an' brown ‘an blue... an’ more blue. The Dollum an’ Tellum ‘re different sure, but one look at their blood, an’ there’s no tellin’ ‘em apart.

Muallu told me a story that’s still runnin’ between both races. She told it, so its worth your knowin'.

After God was done creatin’ the Tellum home world, he ('all-tech worlds got a point, how come nobody's got a problem with God always bein’ a he?), was so happy with the creatin’ that he decided Tellum should have a sister. So he went back up into creation and started workin’. ‘Had both worlds at either end of his arms an’ in both his hands. First, he picked up a rock from Tellum. ‘Made that the seed for all the mountains an’ dirt on Dollum. Next, he took a pitcher of red water. (Tellum’s got other colors ‘sides blue… just not many others.), an’ poured it between all the mountains, an’ made that the Dollum oceans. Next, he picked one Tellum flower an’ started blowin’ on it 'til the petals scattered. God’s mixed in his breath in the scent became Dollum’s air. The flower petals an’ stem became all o’ Dollum’s trees an’ grass. Next, God got the bones of a great Tellum beast an’ laid ‘em all out over the Dollum mountains an’ the sea an’ the air. The bones rose up an' grew into all the beasts o’ Dollum. Then finally, God thought of a Tellum woman. He ‘ad loved her before he ‘ad even created her. ‘Loved her so much that after he ‘ad created her he took her up with him into creation an’ made love to her for an eon. Out o' her came all the Tellum Gods an’ the Dollum people.

‘All-tech worlds got another point: ‘seen one creation story, you seen ‘em all. But I been darin’ ‘em to figure out how Tellum and Dollum manage to be just ‘bout at either end o’ the great cloud, an’ the races manage bein’ different, yet both of ‘em got the same blood, same faces an’ same creation story. When the Tellum started flyin’ in the black, Dollum was the first place they landed, an’ the Dollum knew they were comin’. Just a coincidence… Right. Coincidence my black an’ spotted ass...

 

[Blackrook]

I found it very difficult to read and gave up.

 

[zaelyel]

I started reading it, gave up and read it more slowly. Had to read it a third time to make sense of it. It seems to be interresting once you start understanding it. I found it difficult to understand the beginning of the story, the creation bit and the ending were easier. I think that this sentence: 'I never stopped listening for the songs, Muallu.' threw me off course, somehow it kind of went off topic? And I still don't get who the All-tech worlds are...

 

[StormFeather]

Hi Challah,

Have to confess that I found this hard to follow too. After rereading a few times I got the gist, and actually am quite interested in what happens next, but I really had to push to get that far.

From a brain-ache point of view, the big block of text re the creation stories of both worlds needs to be broken up more, into smaller blocks. I have a limited attention span, and if I'm already struggling with something big paragraphs are something I skip, which isn't your intention I'm sure.

I like the premise, and once I'd got my head round it, I do want to know more, but you made me work really hard for it.

I will clarify that I don't think it's the dialect/slang that's so off-putting, just it's a complex story and you lumped a lot into one paragraph that I can't read easily.

Hope this helps somewhat?

 

[Challah Rajni]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I really appreciate all your efforts. I looked at the opening again and saw that I messed up with the slang. It's quite jarring.

I won't post an exact list of all the terrible things I did to English, but if anyone is interested, here is the worst of it:

an' = and
'an = than

You can see the updated version below. The slang hasn't changed, but the really, REALLY stupid punctation mistakes have been fixed and I broke the creation story into smaller paragraphs. I hope this helps.

I was thinking of the two sci-fi stories in Cloud Atlas (good intent; too bad that I suck) when I wrote this. My narrator is from a good old dystopian future where human beings have fallen apart tactically, culturally and spiritually to the point that they've forgotten how to write stories. What's left of them after a great war is split up all over the galaxy trying to survive. But they're dying one shipload of refugees at a time.

Zaelyel: "All-tech worlds" is the narrator's nickname for worlds that choose to understand the universe only through a scientific point of view. Atheists, almost.

***

That smile got me thinkin’ and listenin’. To Muallu, even the nothin’ between the stars an’ the nothin' in the COMM razz 'ad a song to sing.

Muallu was a Dollum, a lot like the Tellum—the bums who've been blasting the **** out o’ us all my years—just her race was more red an' brown ‘an blue... an’ more blue. The Dollum an’ Tellum ‘re different, sure, but you take one look at their blood, an’ there’s no tellin’ ‘em apart.

Muallu sat me down an' gave me a tale that’s still runnin’ between both races. She told it, so it's worth your knowin'.

After God was done creatin’ the Tellum home world, he (an' the 'all-tech worlds got a point. How come nobody's got a problem with God always bein’ a he?) was so happy with the creatin’ that he decided Tellum should have a sister. So he went back up into creation an' started workin’.

‘Had both worlds at either end of his arms an’ in both his hands. First, he picked up a rock from Tellum. ‘Made that the seed for all the mountains an’ dirt on Dollum.

Next, he took a pitcher of red water. (Tellum’s got other colors ‘sides blue… just not many others.), an’ poured it between all the mountains. When that pitcher gave its last drop, Dollum 'ad clouds, rain, howlin' storms an' seas bigger 'an anythin' an' smilin; prouder 'an everythin' else on the great cloud.

Next, he picked one flower outta the Tellum gardens an’ started blowin’ on it 'til the petals scattered. God’s breath carried 'em all the way across the black. An' that sweet smell comin' from the fire an' the stars became Dollum’s air.

Then God let the flower stem go. 'Let it fall right into that fresh dirt where he buried it with his little finger. 'Gave the soil a good pat an' a nod of his approvin'. All o’ Dollum’s trees an’ grass rose up from that.

Next, God got the bones of a Tellum beast an’ laid ‘em all out over the Dollum mountains an’ the sea an’ the air. The bones rose up an' grew into all the beasts o’ Dollum.

Then finally, God thought o' a Tellum woman. He ‘ad loved her before he ‘ad even created her. ‘Loved her so much that after he ‘ad created her he took her up with him into creation an’ made love to her for an eon. Out o' her came all the Tellum Gods an’ the Dollum people.

There's a whole lot more, but that's the best I can remember an' the best I can tell.

‘All-tech worlds got another point: ‘seen one creation story, you seen ‘em all. But I been darin’ ‘em to figure out how Tellum an' Dollum manage to be just ‘bout at either end o’ the great cloud an’ the races manage bein’ different, yet both of ‘em got the same blood, same faces an’ same creation story.

When the Tellum started flyin’ in the black, Dollum was the first place they landed, an’ the Dollum knew the Tellum were comin’. Just a coincidence… Right. Coincidence my black an’ spotted ass...

Muallu, I know the stars 're singin'. Every bit o' sense in me 's sayin' that somethin' beautiful can't come outta nothin'. That don't stop me from turnin' on the COMM an' listenin' to the frequencies nobody uses anymore.

...nothin' but razz every time.

You know I never stopped listenin' for the songs, Muallu.

I never stopped listenin'.

 

[Nik]

When I was younger, I read a lot of old, 'slangy' US detective stories, developed the knack of 'listening' to the phonetics I was reading...

Takes a while, but strong-dialect is like that.

I'm no linguist but, IMHO, you did okay. IMHO, you kept it self-consistent, which is technically difficult.

Don't forget to include a glossary !!

 

[zaelyel]

I think the change worked. It sounded really sad...

 

[TC4816]

The changes are better, but I'm unsure as to who Muallu is and more importantly, where?

It seems that in the first few lines, your narrator is thinking about her (?) and then goes into her history, even explaining the creation of the race(s).

But near the end, it seems that the narrator is actually speaking to her. You might want to clarify your time periods somewhat.

 

[Challah Rajni]

Zaelyel: Thanks for taking another go at this. And sadness was the exact feel that I was going for in both this piece and the story in general. It seems I'm on the right track.

TC4816: Thanks for reading as well. I know it's confusing, but the narrator is doing that throughout the whole story. Muallu isn't there. Also, the narrator is revealing who Muallu is slow, organically (yeah I know, even though I just made you sit through a thinly veiled infodump) It's supposed to be an aside.

He's telling his story normally, but every now and then, he breaks and talks to her (even though she's not anywhere near him now), just because he loves her and it's his way of not letting go.

I'm hoping that something like this can be established, or at least it would be deep enough in the story that the reader will know enough about how the character works to make the assumption.

Thanks again for reading.