Martichoras
Member
- Joined
- Jul 10, 2008
- Messages
- 15
Hello
The following is the beginning of the first chapter in an as yet unnamed book I’m writing. I’d be grateful for any comments anyone has, especially on the sort of atmosphere I've managed to generate.
Oh, the whole chapter is 3,500 words long, am I right to split it up?
Thanks
Martichoras
Chapter 1
There was no one there. Polly wasn’t really surprised, given the way her day had gone so far. But all she wanted was to talk to a friend, and her friends weren’t there. She wondered where they were; she never knew where they were any more (not since they’d all left lower school, and her friends had gone to middle school and she had gone to Scholar’s). She only knew that they had all agreed to meet here after school whenever they could.
She was hot from the climb to the disused skydock; so she sat down on a curved stone bench and watched the jungle. It was starting to rain, but then it always did at this time of the afternoon, at this time of the year. A slow drip, from a gargoyle worn away to a mostly useless, vaguely winged lump, began to fall onto the ledge opposite her. She stared at the mist that was slowly consuming the trees and the towers and got her breath back. She knew it was too hot and now too wet for her to really cool down until she got indoors. But Polly didn’t want to go indoors.
She had counted on Mari and Malkin, even Dee, being here. How else was she going to laugh at what Tearle and her classmates had said? Laughing on your own doesn’t work very well. Even Yenessa, her new best friend at Scholar’s, had joined in, had started it in fact. And now there was no one here.
“Oh.” Polly said to no-one.
As she sat and stared, a brilliant orange and black bird, almost as big as her arm, flew onto the ledge opposite her; looking for somewhere out of the rain. It chirped once, annoyed that the skydock was occupied, then it shuffled around as if to go. It looked back, considering Polly for a moment with a black eye like a polished coal; then it turned around again, but it didn’t fly off.
Polly and the bird watched the gathering rain.
“Do you want to hear about my day at school?” she asked the bird, feeling more miserable all the time. The bird shifted and moved again, but still didn’t fly off.
Not really, said a voice in her head.
Polly stared at the bird. It ruffled its feathers and kept watching the rain. She ran a hand through her longish dark hair and decided she was hearing voices. Reasonable for someone without any friends she thought. She sighed and turned and looked back over the city. Far below someone was running across the gardens, as if they had been surprised by the inevitable late-afternoon rain. She heard snatches of voices, drifting up from below, but mostly it was only water she heard - the endless drips from the roof and the gargoyles, and from the covered arcades around her, and the steady hiss of rain on the jungle’s canopy below.
Why weren’t they here? Didn’t they want to see her? She sighed again, staring at the rose-coloured bulk of the Midhaven, as the massive building began to disappear into the lowering cloud. For all she knew they weren’t even in the city, off on a school outing somewhere. Why didn’t anyone else in her class say anything to help her? Why didn’t anyone else think that joining the Sovranty was a good idea? Why did she open her mouth? She had just assumed that Yenessa would agree. Her mamma and papa said it was a good idea.
What was she going to do now? There would be no one at home for a long time yet. She could wait here, but if no-one turned up then she would be really depressed. She sniffed, and the bird chose that moment to fly off, leaving her completely alone. Polly started to cry.
The following is the beginning of the first chapter in an as yet unnamed book I’m writing. I’d be grateful for any comments anyone has, especially on the sort of atmosphere I've managed to generate.
Oh, the whole chapter is 3,500 words long, am I right to split it up?
Thanks
Martichoras
Chapter 1
There was no one there. Polly wasn’t really surprised, given the way her day had gone so far. But all she wanted was to talk to a friend, and her friends weren’t there. She wondered where they were; she never knew where they were any more (not since they’d all left lower school, and her friends had gone to middle school and she had gone to Scholar’s). She only knew that they had all agreed to meet here after school whenever they could.
She was hot from the climb to the disused skydock; so she sat down on a curved stone bench and watched the jungle. It was starting to rain, but then it always did at this time of the afternoon, at this time of the year. A slow drip, from a gargoyle worn away to a mostly useless, vaguely winged lump, began to fall onto the ledge opposite her. She stared at the mist that was slowly consuming the trees and the towers and got her breath back. She knew it was too hot and now too wet for her to really cool down until she got indoors. But Polly didn’t want to go indoors.
She had counted on Mari and Malkin, even Dee, being here. How else was she going to laugh at what Tearle and her classmates had said? Laughing on your own doesn’t work very well. Even Yenessa, her new best friend at Scholar’s, had joined in, had started it in fact. And now there was no one here.
“Oh.” Polly said to no-one.
As she sat and stared, a brilliant orange and black bird, almost as big as her arm, flew onto the ledge opposite her; looking for somewhere out of the rain. It chirped once, annoyed that the skydock was occupied, then it shuffled around as if to go. It looked back, considering Polly for a moment with a black eye like a polished coal; then it turned around again, but it didn’t fly off.
Polly and the bird watched the gathering rain.
“Do you want to hear about my day at school?” she asked the bird, feeling more miserable all the time. The bird shifted and moved again, but still didn’t fly off.
Not really, said a voice in her head.
Polly stared at the bird. It ruffled its feathers and kept watching the rain. She ran a hand through her longish dark hair and decided she was hearing voices. Reasonable for someone without any friends she thought. She sighed and turned and looked back over the city. Far below someone was running across the gardens, as if they had been surprised by the inevitable late-afternoon rain. She heard snatches of voices, drifting up from below, but mostly it was only water she heard - the endless drips from the roof and the gargoyles, and from the covered arcades around her, and the steady hiss of rain on the jungle’s canopy below.
Why weren’t they here? Didn’t they want to see her? She sighed again, staring at the rose-coloured bulk of the Midhaven, as the massive building began to disappear into the lowering cloud. For all she knew they weren’t even in the city, off on a school outing somewhere. Why didn’t anyone else in her class say anything to help her? Why didn’t anyone else think that joining the Sovranty was a good idea? Why did she open her mouth? She had just assumed that Yenessa would agree. Her mamma and papa said it was a good idea.
What was she going to do now? There would be no one at home for a long time yet. She could wait here, but if no-one turned up then she would be really depressed. She sniffed, and the bird chose that moment to fly off, leaving her completely alone. Polly started to cry.
