another random insert hmmmm? effectiveness

[asher marquering]

this idea popped into my head so i put it to paper im a bit worried about the effectiveness do you guiys think i've captured the moment properly ? do you think i did it justice?

The Lovers

Under the large fur blanket, a feminine and masculine figure moved ever so slightly. The fire crackled a few metres away. The smell of bodily fluids filled the room, mostly sweat but there was something else, something familiar. The thick fur blanket was heavy on their naked skins. Outside the world of the blanket, it was cold but beneath the blanket, in the euphoric world it was lovely and warm.

They both had a pleasurable pain, his prevented further action from his side; her affection for him prevented further action from her side. For the moment, holding each other was enough for the both of them. He had a few abrasions on his back, he let go of her and felt them.
Nothing serious, surprising though

He smiled. He turned to her looking deep into the woman’s white eyes. For a few moments, they just laid there staring at each other smiling. There was an over-whelming feeling of freedom, the kind of freedom that only such an act could bring.
“You were a little rough with me.” He said
“I’m sorry.” She blushed
“No it’s ok, I liked it.” He smiled

They gave each other a strong embrace. She looked deep into his green eyes, and then he gave her a passionate kiss feeling her so close gave him a slight blocking pain but it was worth it, anything to be close to her. Behind them, the sun began to rise; the sky was lit up with familiar green colour. They both looked in the direction of the window; he looked at the armour he would soon wear.

She looked at the sunrise knowing his fate but not his determination.

 

[chrispenycate]

this idea popped into my head so i put it to paper im a bit worried about the effectiveness do you guiys think i've captured the moment properly ? do you think i did it justice?

The Lovers

Under the large fur blanket, a feminine and

a

masculine figure moved ever so slightly. The fire crackled a few metres away. The smell of bodily fluids filled the room, mostly sweat but there was something else, something familiar. The thick fur blanket was heavy on their naked skins. Outside the world of the blanket, it was cold but beneath the blanket, in the euphoric world

comma

it was lovely and warm.

They both

possibly "each" rather than"both"?

had a pleasurable pain,

with "prevented" rather than "preventing, there should be a semicolon rather than a comma. But there is a semicolon coming later in the sentence, so a minor restucturation of the sentence is indicated

his prevented further action from his side; her affection for him prevented further action from her side.

personally, I woudn't repeat the "side". Jus "fron hers"

For the moment, holding each other was enough for the both of them. He had a few abrasions on his back,

semicolon

he let go of her and felt them.

Nothing serious, surprising though

He smiled. He turned to her

comma

looking deep into the woman’s white eyes. For a few moments, they just laid there

comma - and "lay there"

staring at each other

comma (I think)

smiling. There was an over-whelming feeling of freedom, the kind of freedom that only such an act could bring.

“You were a little rough with me.” He said
“I’m sorry.” She blushed
“No it’s ok, I liked it.” He smiled

They gave each other a strong embrace. She looked deep into his green eyes, and then he gave her a passionate kiss

full stop

feeling her so close gave him a slight blocking pain but it was worth it, anything to be close to her. Behind them, the sun began to rise; the sky was lit up with familiar green colour. They both looked in the direction of the window; he looked at the armour he would soon wear.

She looked at the sunrise

comma

knowing his fate but not his determination.

 

[areader]

The point of view swaps around a little.

 

[emburmak]

The POV does skip around and the piece is... miandeandering. This is just my opinion so take it with a pan of salt.

Under the large fur blanket, a feminine and masculine figure moved ever so slightly.

Too wooden and over elaborate. Perhaps--Under the blanket two forms lay entwined.

The fire crackled a few metres away. The smell of bodily fluids filled the room, mostly sweat but there was something else, something familiar.

What? I think this is redundant.

The thick fur blanket was heavy on their naked skins.

Heavy on thier skins? Never heard of that. Can a blanket ever be thus?

Outside the world of the blanket, it was cold but beneath the blanket, in the euphoric world it was lovely and warm.

Since you have a fire going, I find it difficult to conceptualise this comment.

They both had a pleasurable pain, his prevented further action from his side; her affection for him prevented further action from her side.

Unless this is part of the larger story, this is incomprehensible.

For the moment, holding each other was enough for the both of them. He had a few abrasions on his back, he let go of her and felt them.
Nothing serious, surprising though

Again, unless this is part of the larger story, this is incomprehensible. His abrasions should not be SERIOUS.

He smiled. He turned to her looking deep into the woman’s white eyes. For a few moments, they just laid there staring at each other smiling. There was an over-whelming feeling of freedom, the kind of freedom that only such an act could bring.

I really could not grasp this paragraph. I take it the 'act' was sex? How could a co-joining of two persons give an overwhelming felling of freedom? Forgive me , but I would think the exact opposite wouldbe the case.

“You were a little rough with me.” He said
“I’m sorry.” She blushed
“No it’s ok, I liked it.” He smiled

Not trying to be sexist or anything but shouldn't the characters here be reversed?

They gave each other a strong embrace. She looked deep into his green eyes, and then he gave her a passionate kiss feeling her so close gave him a slight blocking pain but it was worth it, anything to be close to her. Behind them, the sun began to rise; the sky was lit up with familiar green colour. They both looked in the direction of the window; he looked at the armour he would soon wear.

She looked at the sunrise knowing his fate but not his determination.

At least two changes of POV, throwing the reading.

Conclusion---It is a piece with potential. My take, concentrate on one POV and make the piece more sinous.

 

[areader]

I'll have a go at trying to do a detailed crit: sorry if my quoting doesn't work...every reader reads a piece differently so this is just one reader's response...

Under the large fur blanket, a feminine and masculine figure moved ever so slightly. The fire crackled a few metres away. The smell of bodily fluids filled the room, mostly sweat but there was something else, something familiar. The thick fur blanket was heavy on their naked skins. Outside the world of the blanket, it was cold but beneath the blanket, in the euphoric world it was lovely and warm.

Detached writer narrative a feminine and masculine figure /or third character witness: What was familiar?
Moves to characters POV: it was warm.

They both had a pleasurable pain, his prevented further action from his side; her affection for him prevented further action from her side. For the moment, holding each other was enough for the both of them. He had a few abrasions on his back, he let go of her and felt them.
Nothing serious, surprising though

Not sure what you mean here? His point of view: done. Her point of view: darn, but ok. Back to his point of view: couldn't he feel the abrasions before? Does he have to touch them to know they are there? Nothing serious though (detail lacking here and since it comes up again in the narrative it needs a bit more explaining 'the abrasions').

He smiled. He turned to her looking deep into the woman’s white eyes. For a few moments, they just laid there staring at each other smiling. There was an over-whelming feeling of freedom, the kind of freedom that only such an act could bring.

His point of view. Narrative/observers point of view: they. Freedom from what...detail: tension/circumstances/frustration/worry? White eyes: all detail goes somewhere and furthers the plot and the storyline...why have you included this? As a stand-alone piece this becomes an issue, but as part of another, can be detailed elsewhere.

“You were a little rough with me.” He said
“I’m sorry.” She blushed
“No it’s ok, I liked it.” He smiled

Here is where the details in the previous par might provide a bit of a clue...the dialogue is fine...but a definition on their relationship and the characters. Why is he surprised/is this out of character for her? Is he worried about her/putting it in his wish list/how well do they know each other/?

While changing point of view is confusing, you can get across her thoughts through dialogue and reactions or vice versa. Circumstances: the eve of a battle comes later to give insight as to why there might be behaviour out of character...

They gave each other a strong embrace. She looked deep into his green eyes, and then he gave her a passionate kiss feeling her so close gave him a slight blocking pain but it was worth it, anything to be close to her. Behind them, the sun began to rise; the sky was lit up with familiar green colour. They both looked in the direction of the window; he looked at the armour he would soon wear.

Back to narrator "THEY". Blocking pain: define...blocking from what? Is she dangerous? Or is it just that he needs to shut out his emotions and become the battle warrior?

POV : A bit chop and change for a short piece:
You could tell this story as the narrator...leave out what the characters are thinking and just tell it by actions and dialogue.
You can go omniscient narator and include thoughts and feelings...all-knowing narratives have their problems...but can be used effectively (sometimes to mislead the reader).
You could tell this story from his point of view and then from her point of view. You can use double line breaks and then swap point of views between his and hers/generally changes are at a new chapter and sometimes mid-chapter ...but some writers can do this effectively without confusing the reader as to who they are identifying with or breaking the flow too much.

It is effective to have the armour at the ending to wrap up all the questions the scene poses.

Don't know if its much help, but just a few thoughts anyway.

 

[hippokrene]

The ads by Google on this page are great.

If I read this at the beginning of a story, I'd sit there wondering if the narrator was going to pull me along for a bit before telling me the lovers are aliens. For instance, why not say 'a man and a woman' instead of a 'a masculine figure and a feminine figure?' There are also a few other hints white eyes, a blocking pain, and the sky being green. I can't tell if your use of language is deliberately concealing something, or if you're just too embarrassed to write about sex in anything but the vaguest terms.

"They both looked in the direction of the window; he looked at the armour he would soon wear."

Unless his armor is outsite the window, I don't think this is possible.

In response to the other replies: Yes, it's possible for a woman to be rough with a man while they're physically intimate. And yes, it's possible to get abrasions that aren't noticed until later.