just another random insert

[asher marquering]

just another random idea that i had wat you guys think


Mister Sepulveda

The fire lit up the large room. In the room, there was an alternation of the sound of breathing and drinking. From the man’s glass came the unmistakeable smell of whiskey. The room was peaceful and comfortable; the low temperature battled with the fire, only the pain in the man’s mind disturbed the peace. The man closed his eyes, tears replaced bitterness and anger towards everything. The man quickly wiped the tears away and his anger returned, first towards himself for his slip of manhood then towards everything else.

He placed his glass on the small table and leaned back reclining the armchair slightly. Behind his eyelids came the usual amalgam of sensations concerning his son, the sight of the moist baby still attached to his mother, the sound of small clumsy steps. The smell of the children’s ward at the hospital he was a sickly baby but he turned out surprisingly athletic. The feeling of having to let go on in front of the pre-school gate, the sun on his face chasing after the boy on his first bicycle, the pain of disappointment in catching his son smoking, the pride while listening to his sons stories of girls.

I love you Addy
I love you to dad
Good night son
Night dad
Sweet dreams
You to

Then the sight of his empty bed
Mister and Misses Sepulveda it has been 6 months
His wife began to cry
I will not give up on my son
I understand sir but the police cannot pursue this forever perhaps a private investigator or psychic

Then the sight of the female psychic
Your son is in heaven
The immense anger overwhelmed him again as it did when he first heard those words five years ago. He opened his eyes and sat forward breathing heavily and holding his chest. He felt in his pocket for his medication and sprayed it into his mouth.

Switching on the television, he flipped through the channels
“There is a forty-five percent chance of an avalanche at Mount Aharon.”
Nonsense this mountain has never hurt us
“The villagers are advised to prepare.”
He looked out the window just as it began to snow; he got up to fetch more wood, threw the wood in the fireplace, sat down again and fell into a gentle dreamless peaceful sleep.


When he woke up the light snow had become a horrific blizzard. He wondered if his ex-wife was safe. Through the blizzard, he saw a stationary figure at the base of the mountain
That is a bit idiotic
He had barely finished thinking to himself when he saw massive sections of ice on the mountain break away from its surrounding ice.

They began to rush down the mountain. The sound was horrific worse than a thunderstorm. The air had become different slightly fresher as the ice charged down the mountain. The wind also changed and now blew in the same direction that the avalanche was moving. It was also colder now as the ice moved down the mountain. He imagined the pain that the figure at the base of the mountain would be in and then began to run to the opposite end of his house trying escape the approaching avalanche.

Then suddenly the ground was still and the blizzard stopped he turned around and saw an angel with black wings standing in his lounge. He was slightly shocked
Is this the angle of death?
“Hello, have you come to take away my pain angel?”
“Hello, I know you suffer but that will stop now, things will be different from now on, dad.”

 

[chrispenycate]

just another random idea that i had wat you guys think


Mister Sepulveda

The fire lit up the large room. In the room, there was an alternation of the sound of breathing and drinking. From the man’s glass came the unmistakeable smell of whiskey. The room was peaceful and comfortable; the low temperature battled with the fire, only the pain in the man’s mind disturbed the peace. The man closed his eyes,

Either that should be a semicolon, or the "replaced" should be "replacing"

tears replaced bitterness and anger towards everything. The man quickly wiped the tears away and his anger returned, first towards himself for his slip of manhood then towards everything else.

He placed his glass on the small table and leaned back

comma

reclining the armchair slightly. Behind his eyelids came the usual amalgam of sensations concerning his son, the sight of the moist baby still attached to his mother, the sound of small clumsy steps. The smell of the children’s ward at the hospital

semicolon; and don't you think the latter portion should be in pluperfect (he had been… but had turned out?

he was a sickly baby but he turned out surprisingly athletic. The feeling of having to let go on in front of the pre-school gate, the sun on his face

comma; I don't think it's the sun that's doing the chasing

chasing after the boy on his first bicycle, the pain of disappointment in catching his son smoking, the pride while listening to his sons

son's

stories of girls.

I love you Addy
I love you to

too

dad

Good night son
Night dad
Sweet dreams
You to

too

Then the sight of his empty bed
Mister and Misses

Missus (or Missis)

Sepulveda it has been 6 months

His wife began to cry
I will not give up on my son
I understand sir but the police cannot pursue this forever

semicolon

perhaps a private investigator or psychic

question mark

Then the sight of the female psychic
Your son is in heaven
The immense anger overwhelmed him again as it did

had

when he

had

first heard those words five years ago. He opened his eyes and sat forward

comma

breathing heavily and holding his chest. He felt in his pocket for his medication and sprayed it into his mouth.

Switching on the television, he flipped through the channels
“There is a forty-five percent chance of an avalanche at Mount Aharon.”
Nonsense

comma

this mountain has never hurt us

“The villagers are advised to prepare.”
He looked out the window just as it began to snow; he got up to fetch more wood, threw the wood in the fireplace, sat down again and fell into a gentle

comma

dreamless

comma

peaceful sleep.

When he woke up the light snow had become a horrific blizzard. He wondered if his ex-wife was safe. Through the blizzard, he saw a stationary figure at the base of the mountain

Promise you, you don't see anything through a blizzard. Snow is opaque

That is a bit idiotic
He had barely finished thinking to himself when he saw massive sections of ice on the mountain break away from its surrounding ice.

Actually, an avalanche is snow slip (frequently damp, heavy snow). It is easier if the layer underneath is ice, but the ice itself doesn't move

They began to rush down the mountain. The sound was horrific

semicolon

worse than a thunderstorm. The air had become different

semicolon

slightly fresher as the ice charged down the mountain. The wind also changed and now blew in the same

I think that "same" should go

direction that the avalanche was moving. It was also colder now as the ice moved down the mountain.

repetition of "as the ice (verb of motioned) down the mountain, And the mixture os snow, rocks and tree-trunks is making everything shake, like an earthquake. The "thunder" simile doesn't apply; you feel this sound in your bones, all that's coming through the ears is the cracking of the destruction. The bottle of whisky walks off the table, and you can't run because the floor won't hold still - oh, sorry. ut it is a very impressive experience, and that wasn't even in the path of the flow.

He imagined the pain that the figure at the base of the mountain would be in and then began to run to the opposite end of his house trying

to

escape the approaching avalanche.

Then suddenly the ground was still and the blizzard stopped

full stop.

he turned around and saw an angel with black wings standing in his lounge. He was slightly shocked

Is this the angle of death?
“Hello, have you come to take away my pain

comma

angel?”

“Hello, I know you suffer but that will stop now,

semicolon

things will be different from now on, dad.”

 

[lanaia74]

VERY well done!

 

[asher marquering]

thanks chris once again your help is irreplaceable

i have trouble connecting to the father character is it because we're just to different me not having a son n all

anyone have any ideas on how i can connect to the character

 

[chrispenycate]

I've never had a son, either. But I suspect the feeling is loss, combined with guilt that you didn't prevent the occurence, and we've all felt that; just needs scaling up a few thousandfold.
But I did know a couple of guys whose winter job was setting charges of dynamite to set off avalanches when they're still young, and they invited me to an avalanche party, perfectly safe, on a ridge between two runoff zones.
I'm going to write a story about it one day, and nobody will believe me.

 

[areader]

With the flashes: his son was old enough to smoke..how old is that? As a reader I imagined early teens. That cold feeling of shock at discovering his son missing...not sure how he went missing...up on the mountain perhaps.....? With this unspecified detail...readers will assume a greater link I guess so I was thrown off by the mountain never hurting anyone. If the mountain took him then an avalanche report would have emotional impact, even after a long time (but i gather it didn't). I guess some story threads to tie up there.

Very few people run...in a situation where they are trying to work out where to run to, there's not enough time...some will move but way too late (think about the responses to the tsunami beach thingy)...is he guilt ridden enough to just face it on?

Scaling up: um try the regrets that he would have: no watching his son walk down the aisle, no grandchildren etc. Giving up on his son = as he would have to eventually. Outliving your children. The breakdown of the marriage...reminding each other too much of their loss/wife's subsequent remarriage. Five years would still be pretty raw. No further children perhaps? No burial or resolution.

Liked the flashbacks and the pace of things.