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lanaia74

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I am from a race of people, that was considered a super human race from long ago. I have lived for many centuries, so my people possessed the secret to eternal life. Atlantis, long gone, but never forgotten. At the time Atlantis thrived, I was a high priest, so I had hands to all the secrets and knowledge that Atlantis possessed. But, the secret of eternal life, was mine, and mine alone because of my status, I was the only one that really knew the secret. So, I have lived history for many many years.



I, so vividly remember the day of the demise of Atlantis. I remember, I was in the temple, and the earth started violently shaking. I was one of the lucky few, lucky enough to make as escape. I was watching, when a monstrous tsunami, totally engulfed the whole island, and the whole island went into the sea. Until this very day, access to Atlantis, is not accessible, because Atlantis now resides on the ocean floor. Protected by the pressure of the sea, so as of yet mankind cannot get to it. If mankind, even attempted to reach the depth of the city, the water pressure, would immediately make them implode.

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[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif] After the total demise of Atlantis, a few of us survived, going our different ways through out the world. Some made it to Mexico, Britain, South America, and my adopted home, Egypt. Gosh, live here is sure different from my life in Atlantis.
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[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif] The land, I chose to remain in, at the time was very primitive. So primitive, I had to step in and introduce new ideas to the people. My brothers and sisters from Atlantis, they chose other lands, thinking the same thing as me, making life as simple as can be. Just look around at all the ancient devices, the pyramids, and all the wonders. Could ancient man have achieved this on their own? I think not. The pharaoh at the time in Egypt, made me his royal doctor and architect. With these titles, I had the power to bring everything up to date, from the primitive ways the Egyptians possessed.
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[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif] I chose to serve the kingdom of Egypt, because the peoples here really showed a lot of promise. Egyptians are a very religious people, so after a while, they looked to me as a mortal God. I could never let my secret be known, because mankind would have imprisoned me, because I was far more advanced, this would have been done, in order to find out my secrets.
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[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif] To make my transition easier, I let the Pharaoh think I was some kind of genius. I introduced the architecture of the pyramids, and the Sphinx was built, to guard the Giza Plateau. Others from Atlantis, introduced other ancient nations to pyramids and other things, causing mankind to think they were some kind of genius
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[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif] When I escaped from Atlantis, I had the opportunity to grab a few papyrus, these hold secrets, that mankind, in this point of their evolution, would have never understood. I guard these, with my very life, because some of the secrets written down, were for my eyes only. So, I take it upon myself, to protect these most important documents.
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[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif] As, I am the one that designed the Sphinx, I know all the secrets of this majestic guardian. Right between the front feet of the Sphinx, there is a hidden little room. I put this in to guard the ancient Egyptian secrets. I put the valuable documents here. To protect them, and hope when found, mankind will have evolved enough to understand them.
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[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif] Not only do I maintain the secret to eternal life, I can change my appearance as often as I like. Alexander the Great, Imhotep, Napolean, Einstein, who do you think they were? They were me. These are but a few of the identities, I have taken through out history.
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[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif] And now here I am today, having not being able just to watch history, but live it. I can't tell you my name I use today, because then my identify would be known, but I can tell you, I live in Alaska and help in the study of whales. Me, knowing how intelligent these creatures are.
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[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif] But for five thousand years, the secrets of life, have been kept safe, hidden at the feet of the Sphinx. I don't think even modern man can get to the scrolls, that contain all these marvelous secrets. I don't even think modern man can understand them. Through out time, my identify has remained a secret. Modern man is very curious and I refuse to be a lab rat.
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[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]So, I will infinitely go on, with such secrets buried deep within my soul.
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This is very choppy and has a lot of inconsistencies. In the first few lines you say that both the Atlantians held the secret of eternal life, and that the secret was the subject's own and only he alone possessed it. Put these ideas in a list that easy to reference, and make sure you weed out the contradictions.

Also, what is the point in this excerpt? Is it perhaps a piece of a larger work, intended as a short story, or are you just sketching out an idea to be used later?
 
It is very choppy, but has an abstract feel to it which is fairly common in the short story realm. I do not think this would suffice in a longer tale.
 
I am from a race of people, that was considered a super human race from long ago. I have lived for many centuries, so my people possessed the secret to eternal life. Atlantis, long gone, but never forgotten. At the time Atlantis thrived, I was a high priest, so I had hands to all the secrets and knowledge that Atlantis possessed. But, the secret of eternal life, was mine, and mine alone because of my status, I was the only one that really knew the secret. So, I have lived history for many many years.

No comma needed after people.
'was considered' is passive voice, not favoured by some. Who considered it?
'so' does not make sense to me in 'so my people'.
commas not needed after thrived or priest.
'so I had hands to all' does not make sense.
commas not needed after but, life, mine.
I begin to think you are trying to convey a stuttering, hesitant voice by adding all these commas. Are you? This is what makes other comment on the choppy feeling. Matter of fact I use exactly the same technique for Michael Riley in Time Crystal, but I explain that it is his way of speaking. If you use this technique for the narrator's voice you cause confusion in the reader.
Full stop required after status.
comma required between two 'many's.
'I have lived history' sounds odd.
 
I am from a race of people,
no comma
that was considered a super human race from long ago.
avoid repetition of "race". Maybe something like "I come from a race of people long ago considered super-human"?
I have lived for many centuries, so
"as"; a few centuries does not demonstrate eternity
my people possessed the secret to eternal life. Atlantis, long gone, but never forgotten.
Fragment, no verb
At the time Atlantis thrived, I was a high priest, so I had hands to
not "hands to" possibly " access to" or "my hands on"?
all the secrets and knowledge that Atlantis possessed. But,
no comma
the secret of eternal life,
no comma
was mine, and mine alone
full stop
because of my status, I was the only one that really knew the secret. So, I have lived history for many
comma
many years.
no comma
so vividly remember the day of the demise of Atlantis. I remember, I was in the temple, and the earth started violently shaking. I was one of the lucky few, lucky enough to make as
an?
escape. I was watching,
no comma
when a monstrous tsunami,
no comma; and the tsunami doesn't explain the sinking, merely the destruction. Need to eliminate repetition of "the whole island"
totally engulfed the whole island, and the whole island went into the sea. Until this very day, access to Atlantis, is not accessible,
access is not accessible?
because Atlantis now resides on the ocean floor. Protected by the pressure of the sea, so as of yet mankind cannot get to it. If mankind, even attempted to reach the depth of the city, the water pressure, would immediately make them implode.
those last three sentences could be condensed into one with minimal increase in complication
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[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif] After the total demise of Atlantis, a few of us survived, going our different ways through out
throughout; and I'm surprised they wouldn't tend to group
the world. Some made it to Mexico, Britain, South America,
no comma
and my adopted home, Egypt. Gosh, live
life; and do you have to have a high priest say "gosh"?
here is sure different from my life in Atlantis.
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[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif] The land
no comma
, I chose to remain in, at the time was very primitive. So primitive, I had to step in and introduce new ideas to the people. My brothers and sisters from Atlantis, they chose other lands, thinking the same thing as me, making life as simple as can be. Just look around at all the ancient devices, the pyramids, and all the wonders. Could ancient man have achieved this on their own? I think not. The pharaoh at the time in Egypt,
no comma
made me his royal doctor and architect. With these titles,
no comma
I had the power to bring everything up to date, from the primitive ways the Egyptians possessed.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif] I chose to serve the kingdom of Egypt, because the peoples here really showed a lot of promise. Egyptians are a very religious people, so after a while,
no comma - and you weren't mortal, were you? Incarnate, perhaps?
they looked to me as a mortal God. I could never let my secret be known, because mankind would have imprisoned me, because I was far more advanced, this would have been done, in order to find out my secrets.
several commas where there should have been full stops; and alarge quantity of excess verbiage
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[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif] To make my transition easier, I let the Pharaoh think I was some kind of genius. I introduced the architecture of the pyramids, and the Sphinx was built, to guard the Giza Plateau. Others from Atlantis,
no comma
introduced other ancient nations to pyramids and other things, causing mankind to think they were some kind of genius
repetition of "some kind of genius
[/FONT]
[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif] When I escaped from Atlantis, I had the opportunity to grab a few papyrus,
full stop
these hold secrets,
no comma
that mankind, in this point of their evolution, would have never understood. I guard these,
no comma
with my very life, because some of the secrets written down,
no comma
were for my eyes only. So, I take it upon myself,
no comma
to protect these most important documents.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif] As, I am the one that designed the Sphinx, I know all the secrets of this majestic guardian. Right between the front feet of the Sphinx,
no comma
there is a hidden little room. I put this in to guard the ancient Egyptian secrets. I put the valuable documents here. To protect them, and hope when found, mankind will have evolved enough to understand them.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif] Not only do I maintain the secret to eternal life, I can change my appearance as often as I like. Alexander the Great, Imhotep, Napolean, Einstein, who do you think they were? They were me. These are but a few of the identities, I have taken through out history.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif] And now here I am today, having not being able just to watch history, but live it. I can't tell you my name I use today, because then my identify
identity
would be known, but I can tell you,
no comma
I live in Alaska and help in the study of whales. Me, knowing how intelligent these creatures are.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif] But for five thousand years,
no comma
the secrets of life,
no comma
have been kept safe, hidden at the feet of the Sphinx. I don't think even modern man can get to the scrolls,
no comma
that contain all these marvelous secrets. I don't even think modern man can
could
understand them. Through out
throughout
time, my identify
identity
has remained a secret. Modern man is very curious and I refuse to be a lab rat.
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[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]So, I will infinitely
eternally - and don't you feel it would flow better after the "go on"?
go on, with such secrets buried deep within my soul.
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