Problem with my descriptions...

[mixa]

hmmmm, having real problem with putting what I am trying to say on paper.....for example I want to say:


boy ignores the comment, sees the embroidered pouch, hopes that there is some money inside, grabs it, but it turns out to be empty…


I have come to realise thats an info dump, and no one wants to read that!!


I seem to do this a lot, my descriptions tend to be direct and brief, devoid of any colourful explanations. And after some more reading of writing resource and critques, its the old show vs tell connudrum.


Is it just a case of sitting down for hours and slowly constructing it? Are there any helpful hints and tips for this problem?

 

[Talysia]

You don't need to sit down and construct every sentence, bit by bit, until you get the descriptive masterpiece you're after. For me, I tend to write the bare bones of the bit I want to write out first, and then go over it later more critically, thinking about how the description should fit the action. It doesn't have to be right first time, as long as you get the ideas down first. As for having colourful descriptive prose, well, every author has a different style. Some like to write lots of description, whilst others have less. It's simply a matter of style.

In order to see how other writers cope with description, I read a lot, and then find my own style. Then it comes more easily to me.

 

[Keri]

From the sentence you just gave you are trying to right from an omni POV it seems. It will help you simply to start righting it from either Third or First person perspective. First person in many ways is simpler starting out but it creates it's own problems in a novel since it is only from one characters POV they can't be there for everything and you have to get creative working around that.

First off relax let if flow naturally, maybe work on describing things you see everyday at work, school, or wherever you may be. Jot them down from your POV and see if they seem natural to you. Identify with the character.

Try to make it real by using the senses not just what you see, but what you may be hearing and smelling even.

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

Reading and practice are the only way. Once you get the hang of it, it will become easier to do. But really, you don't want it to become too easy. Falling in love with your prose before the ideas have been worked out sufficiently isn't good either.

The only advice I could give is to slow down and try to experience the story moment by moment with your character(s). Don't look too far ahead, but take it one step at a time. (You may sometimes end up over-describing that way, but you can always cut things out.)

 

[Phil Brown]

I have two thoughts about this. First, I'd be interested to see how you develop your notes into a piece of text. Second you need to wrap the description round with character motivation. Why does the boy ignore the comment? Why does he hope that there is some money inside, grabs it, etc? If we can see the world from the character's POV then the description has done it's job well. If not then it needs some more work.

 

[Nokia]

What I do is break up the whole moment into seperate instances. So first I'll say that he ignored the comment, why, how it made him feel, then next sentence I'll say that he saw the pouch, what it looked like, describe it physically, try to get the reader interested, then I'll write another sentence, maybe paragraph about him grabbing it, how he goes about it, if anyone notices ...

It's maybe a bit long winded, probably explains why I never get particularly far when writing fiction

 

[mosaix]

Talysia is right. First just right it down - otherwise you'll never get started then go back and edit until you are happy.

She's also right about reading. But read as a writer not as a reader. Look at the way professional writer's construct sentences and descriptions and make notes of the way they do it. I use post-it notes inserted into books and stories as I am reading them, then I can go back later and make the notes.

 

[mixa]

Thank you for the advice and the feedback.

I have realised that I am rushing too much. I think its in compensation to how much or how little I write everyday. So I am trying to compensate and write perhaps hurriedly.

To Phil, I have managed to compose a paragraph, however I am not on my own laptop right now, and will post the response when I get back on my PC.

I have pressed on for now.

 

[mixa]

phil, below is what I've come up with so far...its not ideal...but it conveys what I want it to say. So following everyone else's advice, once the 1st draft is finished, I'll start rewriting....

Enser paid no mind, the golden threads on the pouch glittered and shined in the low lights on the room. He snapped forward quickly and grabbed it. Once within his possession, the frustration on his face said it all; it was empty. Seeing his disappointment, Callum gestured to leave furiously.

 

[TBradford]

Much better that time Mixa. My problem has always been wanting to get the idea and sentence structure perfect the first time. I would end up spending 2 hours writing 2 paragraphs. It wasn't until I just let the thoughts flow and not worry so much about proper structure that I noticed how easily it came out. I read a lot of how people basically write the story in their notes before writing the book. I personally like to start writing and see what comes out without a foregone conclusion. It seems more fun for me to start with a completely blank slate. Though this methodology may not be good for those working on a deadline.

TBradford

 

[chrispenycate]

Enser paid no mind, the golden threads on the pouch glittered and shined

shone

in the low lights on the room. He snapped forward quickly and grabbed it. Once within his possession, the frustration on his face said it all; it was empty. Seeing his disappointment, Callum gestured to leave furiously.

That says that he took possession of his frustration (It would need a "once it was in his" to avoid that) and that it was the act of leaving that was furious, rather than his standing up. Though building the picture is important, it doesn't do to ignore word order.