Snappy comments

Discussion in 'Humour' started by Brian Turner, Sep 8, 2004.

  1.  
    Brian Turner

    Brian Turner Brian G. Turner Staff Member

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    [font=verdana, arial, helvetica]>Snappy Answer #1

    A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
    tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the
    ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."


    >Snappy Answer #2

    A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."


    >Snappy Answer #3

    The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for
    speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."


    >Snappy Answer #4

    A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."


    >Snappy Answer #5

    A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "F you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."


    > Snappy Answer #6,

    A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-*** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.



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  2.  
    littlemissattitude

    littlemissattitude Super Moderator

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    Love those. My mom did too, when I read them to her.

    I had one of those snappy answers moments, once. It was nice, because the right snappy answer usually only occurs to me ten minutes after it is appropriate to give it. Still...

    When I was a senior in high school, I had very long hair. But, one day I got tired of it and got it cut very, very short. Next day, practically everyone I knew just had to say it: "You got your hair cut, didn't you?" That got old really fast, so finally, someone asked me that and I said, "No. When I washed my hair last night the water was too hot, and it made my hair shrink." Wish I'd had a camera to record the expression on the guy's face.:D
  3.  
    sloweye

    sloweye Lord Shaman.

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    I had one like this.
    One night i was riding my 50cc motorbike home from a friends house through the country lanes when the chain snaped and lodged itself around the rear wheel locking it up and causing the bike to cut out, thus i lost lights and was stuck with a bike that couldnt be pushed.
    The only way to get it home (this was before mobile phones) was to lift the back end and run with it for 100 yards at a time. after 3 or four miles of this a police car pulled up alongside me, the PC got out and asked the most daft question...

    "is this your bike sir?" and looked shocked at my sarcasum as i told him...

    "No, i was at my mates house 15miles away and though, whats the best way to get home? i know i'll steal a bike that has a siezed rear wheel and carry it all the way home with me"

    He was not a happy plod, however after i told him a more fitting question to ask someone in that situation would be "are you ok sir? is there anything we can do to help" he had to agree his was a pretty silly question to ask. :D
  4.  
    InfinitySquared

    InfinitySquared Sol Invictus.

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    So, it was Intro to Physics on Saturday, since the Advanced Biology teacher was absent. Our Phys teacher gave us an intro to Chaos Theory, since it seemed like a good place to start for him. At the end of the class, our chairs were so disarranged that before the teacher dismissed us. He went:
    "Alright class. What is the meaning of this? I said to arrange the chairs. You, Mister Squared! Explain!"
    "Sir. The chairs are arranged in a non-orderly fashion."
    "Then put them in order!"
    "According to Chaos Theory, order will emerge from chaos spontaneously."
  5.  
    Boneman

    Boneman Active Member

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    You know how snappy answers come about 2 minutes too late to use? This is the only time in my life I had one that I used at the perfect time.

    A little background: I'm actually a man of manners, something that was just natural as a child and has been deeply ingrained into me - I'll give up my seat for someone who needs it more, step off the pavement if someone's approaching with kids in tow, so they don't have to, and so on.

    So, as I got near the main door in Debenhams I saw a girl approaching from the other side. Now, it wouldn't have mattered if it had been anybody else, I'd still have pulled the door open and stepped aside. This girl was aged about 20 and was dressed a bit 'punkish'. She stepped through, looked at me like I was something the cat had dragged in, and snarled: "You fink I'm disabled or sunnink?"
    "Only mentally!" I called back gaily, as she stalked away...

    My only regret was that there was nobody there to witness it.:)
  6.  
    Rebell L

    Rebell L Reality Fly

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    A policeman stops a woman for speeding and she says; "I thought you didn't give tickets to pretty women?" The policeman replies, "You're right, we don't" and hands her the ticket.
  7.  
    Starbeast

    Starbeast Benevolent Galaxy Being

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    A week ago I was waiting to get my hair trimmed and I observed two customers who were also waiting as I was reading a magazine. A man stood up from his seat and approached a lady who was sitting on a newspaper and asked:

    man: "Excuse me miss, are you reading that paper?"

    lady: "Yes I am." She stood up, turned the page and sat back down again.
  8.  
    mosaix

    mosaix Active Member

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    Just been reading Somme Mud, there's a great exchange between a First-World-War Australian soldier about to embark for the journey home to Australia and a medical assistant:

    Soldier: "What's the inoculation for?"

    Assistant: "It's to prevent you Australians marrying all the pretty English girls."

    Soldier: "It's fortunate for you that your face saved you from the need to be inoculated."

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