Lifeline Repost (part 1)

[Warhaven]

Here's Lifeline, but divided into much more manageable pieces. I couldn't delete the original post, so sorry about that. I'll release one part a day, Friday, Saturday, and so on. So, without further adieux...

-----

Lifeline​

Wham! The loud buzz of consciousness hummed in the back of Gregory Vaughn’s head, his shortly cropped brown hair sticky and matted. He had the slight inkling that he was supposed to be somewhere, but at the moment, he had no idea where he was. From the sound of it, it would appear something rather eventful just happened. There was a lot of shouting, and a person crying – a woman perhaps? The sobs were so frantic it could be just about anyone.

Gregg tried to move, but his legs didn't respond. He tried opening his eyes, but they didn't respond either. A distant and far away voice shouted excitedly from the darkness, “I found a live one! Get that hammer over here!” Gregg vaguely began to wonder who the shouting man was, when the unmistakable popping sound of a pneumatic hammer began pounding his head.

Gregg’s body vibrated painfully as the hammer thumped and thumped again, an enormous headache forming on both sides of his head. The man with the hammer must have been thinking along the same wavelength as Gregg, because just as Gregg was about to tell the man off for making such a racket, the excruciating noise suddenly stopped. A few moments later Gregg’s body started floating upwards. He was weightless, a balloon set loose upon the sky. It was the most peculiar feeling he had ever felt. It was as though someone grabbed him under the arms and flung him effortlessly into the air.

As Gregg hovered, feeling quite content, he managed to open an eye a crack. Bright points of light danced across his vision. Blue and red, it would seem. “Fourth of July?” he wondered to himself. “No, that can’t be it. It’s only February. Yes, February the 19th. It had to be. I have a board meeting to-” then it hit him, the memories exploding into his head like an enraged bull. Gregg’s brain tried desperately to keep up, to comprehend everything that had happened: the car veering into oncoming traffic, the moment of impact, the noise, the pain, and everything happening in the blink of an eye. It was a collage of chaos, noise, and bright lights, and it was all too much. Mercifully and always waiting, the impenetrable darkness of unconsciousness crept over his vision; and without a second thought, Gregg succumbed to the pain-free blackness.

* * *​

 

[BookStop]

Wham! The loud buzz of consciousness hummed in the back of Gregory Vaughn’s head, his shortly cropped brown hair sticky and matted. He had the slight inkling that he was supposed to be somewhere, but at the moment, he had no idea where he was. From the sound of it, it would appear something rather eventful just happened. There was a lot of shouting, and a person crying – a woman perhaps? The sobs were so frantic it could be just about anyone.

Maybe 'it would seem something rather' rather than 'appear' as it's a sound.

Gregg tried to move, but his legs didn't respond. He tried opening his eyes, but they didn't respond either. A distant and far away voice shouted excitedly from the darkness, “I found a live one! Get that hammer over here!” Gregg vaguely began to wonder who the shouting man was, when the unmistakable popping sound of a pneumatic hammer began pounding his head.

At first I thought maybe someone was hitting the poor guy with a hammer even though you clearly say the sound was pounding. ??? I don't know if it's just me or a wierdly worded sentence.

Gregg’s body vibrated painfully as the hammer thumped and thumped again, an enormous headache forming on both sides of his head. The man with the hammer must have been thinking along the same wavelength as Gregg, because just as Gregg was about to tell the man off for making such a racket, the excruciating noise suddenly stopped. A few moments later Gregg’s body started floating upwards. He was weightless, a balloon set loose upon the sky. It was the most peculiar feeling he had ever felt. It was as though someone grabbed him under the arms and flung him effortlessly into the air.

I wouldn't mind a bit more of a description on the headache. Pressure, throbbing, squeezing, at the temples.... I'm not sure being flung into the sky, even effortlessly, would feel similar to being weightless and floating.

As Gregg hovered, feeling quite content, he managed to open an eye a crack. Bright points of light danced across his vision. Blue and red, it would seem. “Fourth of July?” he wondered to himself. “No, that can’t be it. It’s only February. Yes, February the 19th. It had to be. I have a board meeting to-” then it hit him, the memories exploding into his head like an enraged bull. Gregg’s brain tried desperately to keep up, to comprehend everything that had happened: the car veering into oncoming traffic, the moment of impact, the noise, the pain, and everything happening in the blink of an eye. It was a collage of chaos, noise, and bright lights, and it was all too much. Mercifully and always waiting, the impenetrable darkness of unconsciousness crept over his vision; and without a second thought, Gregg succumbed to the pain-free blackness.

Most folk italicize instead of using quotes when the protagonist is wondering to themselves. Love the enraged bull line. While it is technically true that unconsciousness is always waiting, this seems a wierd thing unless Gregg slips in and out of consciousness all the time.

Very interesting beginning waking up during an accident rescue -- I like your writing style and look forward to seeing more.

 

[chrispenycate]

Here's Lifeline, but divided into much more manageable pieces. I couldn't delete the original post, so sorry about that. I'll release one part a day, Friday, Saturday, and so on. So, without further adieux...

-----

Lifeline​

Wham! The loud buzz of consciousness hummed in the back of Gregory Vaughn’s head, his shortly

short cropped

cropped brown hair sticky and matted. He had the slight inkling that he was supposed to be somewhere, but at the moment, he had no idea where he was. From the sound of it, it would appear something rather eventful

had

just happened. There was a lot of shouting, and a person crying – a woman perhaps? The sobs were so frantic it could be just about anyone.

Gregg tried to move, but his legs didn't respond. He tried opening his eyes, but they didn't respond either. A distant and far away voice shouted excitedly from the darkness, “I found a live one! Get that hammer over here!” Gregg vaguely began to wonder who the shouting man was, when the unmistakable popping sound of a pneumatic hammer began pounding his head.

Gregg’s body vibrated painfully as the hammer thumped and thumped again, an enormous headache forming on both sides of his head. The man with the hammer must have been thinking along the same wavelength as Gregg, because just as Gregg was about to tell the man off for making such a racket, the excruciating noise suddenly stopped. A few moments later Gregg’s body started floating upwards. He was weightless, a balloon set loose upon the sky. It was the most peculiar feeling he had ever felt. It was as though someone grabbed him under the arms and flung him effortlessly into the air.

As Gregg hovered, feeling quite content, he managed to open an eye a crack. Bright points of light danced across his vision. Blue and red, it would seem. “Fourth of July?” he wondered to himself. “No, that can’t be it. It’s only February. Yes, February the 19th. It had

has

to be. I have a board meeting to-” then it hit him, the memories exploding into his head like an enraged bull. Gregg’s brain tried desperately to keep up, to comprehend everything that had happened: the car veering into oncoming traffic, the moment of impact, the noise, the pain, and everything happening in the blink of an eye. It was a collage of chaos, noise, and bright lights, and it was all too much. Mercifully and always waiting, the impenetrable darkness of unconsciousness crept over his vision; and without a second thought, Gregg succumbed to the pain-free blackness.

Don't quite follow this last sentence "mercifully, the ever-waiting darkness of unconsciousness? but "without a second thought, after all the thoughtshe'd had up until then?

* * *​

And why did they break him out with a hammer rather than a crowbar analogue? (Yeah, powered, but still forcing the bodywork inwards)

 

[MJRevell]

I especially liked the beginning, and in particular this line:

There was a lot of shouting, and a person crying – a woman perhaps?

It just allowed me to feel his sense of confusion.