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A great read, D. Dark materials? I'd like to know why the son behaved as he did and where he went? What happened to the sister and how many years later did his dream/memoir take place? But then again, I guess I'll never know and have to go figure myself, right? LOL. LUDMD!

Hi Phoenix27 Just a tip for you. quote: "The rift exploded to life as the Teldorian carrier emerged. The vessel was massive, almost 2 Earth miles in length. As the stern of the colossal carrier exited..." When you make submission for publishing, your hard sweated treasure will end up in a...

This is nice, Chris. Didn't feel like an info dump. Felt quite informative really, and explained to the reader rather than provided an info dump backstory to them. Nicely done. Only thing I saw was a typos...miss actually. "By which I mean that gravitation is an attractive, not a...

Damiynn, Do you have a tension chart? The reason I ask is that chapter 2 of the book should be reserved for tension building and ends with a cliff hanger. It's part of the hook from chapter 1. Chapter 3 is the tension slider and info dumps can come in then; more of a back story really. If I...

Hi lyrebyrd, Barney got in before me and got it spot on. By blurb, do you mean synopsis or blurb for the cover letter to the agent/publisher? Either way, you may do well to look at what Barney has done up and expand on it. You have the setting, a little bit about the FMC and a nice subtle...

Bit of an info dump in parts that can be softened by, as some have said; "show not tell". Easy enough fixed but it is a good trait to learn, MTM and it'll bear on your writing later. Other than that, the genre doesn't bother me, as long as it's a good readable story...and it seems SF to me...

This is good. A few trips though. MTM showed you the path now it's up to you to go through the rest and correct them. Mavin was staunch and adroit navigator and man, and had been doing what he did best for what was nearing a decade. I'd delete "and man" Yurik was staring at the trio of...

Hey TBO. This works for a stake out. As MTM says though, there was a big gap in the timeline and you have plugged them nicely. But yeah...It'd work in a novel and still keep the read interesting.

I think you've done a great job in sliding Caric into his first battle, svalbard. It reads really well and has elements of reality that keep the read interesting. I think you could have left the whole thing in, myself. The introduction before battle is just long enough to peak the interest...

Beautiful, thanks guys. Thanks Chris for cleaning up the piece, my appreciation as usual. Ta!! MTM, hahah. You're not alone. LOL. Otherwise we wouldn't be posting for comment. Svalbard, J. You guys confirm what I'm doing with Mikel's character. He's a MMC throughout and I need him to be...

The shopping trolley was the latest WLK1278sOF model and vrrrooommmed across the ether. Cecily's dad grinned. Elation and exuberance crossed his rugged face. He turned warily to the cardboard wings hoping they would stand up to the pace. Depressing the accelerator he felt the trolley buck and...

John of Fresdern Poor John. He fell in love with Madam Lacy Stevens-Robert's dummy...and has been in a coma ever since. His only means of revival would be with one... Silky the Slink

Hahah Good ones scalem, nice touch. By helplessness: I knew they would torture me, those standing there in their black robes and instruments of death -- break all my bones and leave me for dead, they will. But how could I tell them what they wanted to hear? I would, you know. Tell them...

Love to write SF like that; one of my Crit group can and I love reading it. I think the gizmos part is teriffic, but you need to know what you're talking about. Obviously you do!!! All of it is well done AS, and the only quibble I found was in the first paragraph. quote: Scott crouched...

Thanks MTM, I think this is pretty tame compared to some YA works I've read, and even some of the posts put up here. But if it was offensive I'm sure a mod would remove it. I read an excerpt on Nano last week written by a 15 year old. Sizzling and very well written. This is freezing in...

Yep, it's either a book or an RPG. An RPG explanation usually comes in the form of a world or character overview. What you are creating here is a book. Also, the only setting descriptions to an RPG comes in the form of In troduction to Parts or an overall synopsis. But don't get me wrong...I...

No, RcGrant. I'd leave it in. It stuck me for a second there too, but for different reasons. violets, camphor, lavendar...they all conjure the scent of old ladies, and that's the impression you want to make. It was an aside thought in the story and it works. However, the parchment skin...

Same comment as Pravuil, svalbard. Soon the streets were soon thronged Delete the second "soon" An excellent example of Epic Fantasy, svalbard. Enough info to carry the story without dumping it in a spiel. Explains the nuances of the characters and back story without repetition or info...

Thank you MTM, I'll look at that and condense it. And that is a measurement of time in my fantasy world. Also thnks for pointing out the typos...always miss something :eek: Hey svalbard, Thanks mate. I always used to keep up with your story because you express yourself so well and your...

More on Book 1 ~ Dark Disciple excerpt In the corner of the topmost turret, an enclosure had been erected. Snuck away from the cold and rain, the coop was meticulously clean and large messenger pigeons either rested; their heads folded back and curled beneath a wing, or fluttered from perch to...