10,000! Argh...

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Jo Zebedee

Aliens vs Belfast.
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blah - flags. So many flags.
Okay, I skipped my 9k crit (because, really, it was getting silly...) but don't feel able to skip 10,000. This is the new first chapter to the shiny new thing. It is a first draft, it's been written as I'm struggling to get over the flu and can't concentrate on work, so be gentle on me. (Well, reasonably so, if it sucks, shout...)

Anyway, usual first chapter provisos - does it hook, too much info, not enough info etc etc. Muchly thanks. :)

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The twenty-day selection were called for, and ten mages came forwards to join the line of Council Guards in front of the high metal gates, closed for now. The walls of the Mage quarter curved, bowl-like, above Anna. The storms of the Outland Plain never reached this square of dry ground, nor the wind the streets of low wooden houses.

“Come.” Anna’s mother touched her arm, making her jump, but she forced herself to calm. She couldn’t draw attention to herself. Not tonight. Blake stepped into the courtyard from the street opposite, his smile wide as ever, his steps casual. His eyes, though, were quick, flitting from the guards, to the supply cart which had earlier carried food and a supply of water for the next twenty days.

“Ready?” he murmured, reaching her.

She nodded; as much as she ever would be. Her mother drew close behind them. The other mages in the courtyard studiously ignored them, fussing over the ten mages selected or carrying soup and salve-soaked bandages to the ten just returned.

“Let’s go.” She took a step towards the cart.

A noise rose from the centre of the courtyard: Yvette, she of the high-pitched, practiced histrionics, flung herself at one of the ten: her son, Mattheus, tall, broad and not a little shaky on it.

“You can’t take him! He’s barely seventeen.”

Anna winced; only six months older than she was and already eligible for service.

The guards pushed Yvette away, turning Mattheus to them and clapping his wrists in irons. Yvette's calls were joined by other mages. Anna broke into a jog, Blake beside her, her mother barely behind, but no guard raised a warning: the show was as diverting as planned.

Blake jumped for the wagon and rolled in. He reached down, taking Anna’s hand and giving her a boost. She flattened herself against the rough wood, pulled a burlap sack over her, another around her, ensured her dark cloak was spread out. Blake burrowed next to her, shifting the wagon as he did. Her mother checked her covers, pulling them tighter until, finally, Anna heard the whisper of a goodbye, an unbearably final squeeze of her shoulder.

The wagon was musty from fine grain dust covering the planks. She needed to sneeze but breathed through her mouth. Something warm touched her wrist and she tensed until she realised it was Blake’s hand encircling her wrist, giving comfort.

A jolt, and the wagon started to move. Blake’s hand tightened. It was working. They were going to get out of the mage quarter, she and Blake, the first of the mages to escape and not to be forced into service for the city. If this worked, they could set up a place of refuge. Other children could be taken from the quarter and given a future that didn’t include their service. If it worked.

The wagon moved into a steady rhythm. They must have joined the paved road into town. The second wagon would be alongside, the ten mages held within, chained wrist to wrist, ankle to ankle as ever.

At last, they drew to a halt. She concentrated on the muffled noises around her, trying to work out where they were. Something clattered as it rolled past. The wagon shifted, and she assumed the driver must have jumped down. Slowly, she counted past fifty and then lifted her head enough to see out.

The air smelt of smoke and grime; they had reached the railroad depot next to the commercial quarter. Blake squeezed her wrist, readying her. She found her breath hitching – they had to get clear of the depot and through the commercial quarter to the mining zone, the centre of Nova Grantia.

Carefully, she sat up, pulling her cloak around her. The night was the true black of the Dark, the one-night period between services when the city was reminded what it would be like without the mages. Her eyes, already adjusted under the sack, took in the yard. There was no one near their wagon; it had been left to sit, abandoned, until the next delivery. The guards were gathered around the second wagon carrying the mages, intent on the prisoner-check.

She gave a sharp nod to Blake; time to go. She jumped down, landing with a soft thud. They crossed a single railtrack, aiming away from the busy depot and she felt horribly exposed. She hunched over, but didn’t stop. Blake ran beside her, his dark cloak making him nothing more than a shadow. She reached the far side of the track and turned the corner of a short platform. She pulled herself close to the wall, mouth open, breathing as quietly as she could. Nothing moved; most of the city took advantage of the Dark to go to their homes. Miners couldn’t work until the next twenty-day was started; the cranes to load the trains wouldn’t operate.

“Let’s go,” said Blake. “Final furlong.”

She nodded and started forwards, still keeping to the shadows. Ahead the gate to the commercial quarter stood ajar, the last obstacle before freedom. She crept forward, listening, watching. No guard was there – presumably they’d be with the Council Guard, helping to bed the mages down for the night, preparing their prisons and making sure each was sealed from any weather.

“Now!” Blake slipped through.

She hesitated, her senses alert, holding back.

“Hurry.” His hiss carried in the still air, too loud. She had to move, now, before they were seen. She slipped through the gate, let her cloak fall into a draped puddle of dark.

“Hey there!” The voice was loud, impossible to miss. “Stop!”

“Hell.” Blake stiffened and then he turned to the voice, his easy smile in place. “Guard! There you are.” He held his hand out, pushing Anna behind him a little, but she bristled and held her place. “We had a delivery to make. Left it in the depot.”

He sounded so confident, surely it must work. There was a pause from the guard, a slowing of his steps. Hope flared; the guard believed Blake, they’d be sent on their way.

“Let me see your passes.”

Anna met Blake’s eyes. He shook his head and pushed her towards the commercial quarter. “Go.” His voice was tight, hopeless.

“No. We both go.”

But the guard was nearly on them. He’d call for others, they’d be surrounded, she wouldn’t get another chance.

“We separate.” Blake turned back to the guard. “I’ll just get my pass.” He took off, running back towards the depot.

“Blake!” He was distracting them from her. She wanted to go after him, to tell him he was a bloody idiot but there was no time – already more guards were emerging from the sidings. One pointed at her.

She ran for the commercial quarter, yells following her, the hard sound of boots. She put her head down, sprinting like she never had before, down alleys, across streets, darting around bins. She didn’t know where she was, what part of town, only that at some point the steps behind her stopped. She’d lost them.

She stood, breathing hard. Had Blake got away? He’d studied the lay-out of the depot, if there was a way out he’d find it. She listened, but there were no sounds of any pursuit. She had no way of knowing.

She couldn’t stay here – she’d be picked up too easily. She pushed off from the wall. She had to reach the miners' quarter and Master Dint, one of the overseers. He had work for her. She’d make her way there, and Blake would follow.

Surely, he’d follow.
 
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Congrats on your 10,000th, Springs! You're such a great resource on this board. :)

My first impression is that you have a lot going on at the beginning. Think I need a little more context about what was happening before feeling comfortable. You added some further down, but I think it would help earlier.

Noticed these 4 sentences end in a similar way:
more than one of the shadows.
into the shadows.
nothing more than a shadow.
keeping to the shadows.

Also, in the last 3 paragraphs, you have 12 sentences starting with the word "She." Hope you'll break that up later, because it feltvery repetitive.

I was wanting more dialogue too. Most of the sentences are one or two words, and that felt a little choppy, but might just be my taste. Seems like a good way to add context or world building.

Otherwise the world is interesting. The context is a little confusing at the start. There are several characters and several actions, and maybe a little too focused on physical action instead of Anna's interiority. I think you said this was a steam punk world (?), but that was harder to grasp here. Wooden houses, iron gates, wagons, and smoke didn't seem any different than the common medieval period in most fantasy. So you might include a it more technology earlier on.

UPDATE: Looks like you edited several things since the first. Nevermind! Lol
 
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Thanks Scifrac. Yes, I did an edit because I hit post too early! But there's still too many shes at the end, although I think I did cull some shadows. It is a first draft - I meant to write it earlier in the week but was too busy sneezing and feeling c**p to get round to it. But the context thing is important - if there's too much coming too fast. I'll see what others say. :)

First time I've ever been accused of too little dialogue! Hee. :) i'm not sure where to get more in - it's fairly limited in terms of placement, but I'll have a think about it.
 
10,000 posts! Can you still see all us little folk down here :p

Im sure someone will be along shortly to give a much better line by line than I could, so i'll give general impressions. My first thoughts are that I quite like the setting, and for me that is the hooky part of the piece. This piece was much clearer and easier to read than the last crit piece, I got lost in the details of the cage/rig thing last time (bare with me a bit, because I'm about to go on to contradict myself more than a little).
But, I couldn't get a sense of the characters really, too little dialogue/internalisation perhaps, but my thoughts were that it seemed quite quick. Like there could have been more time spent on the world/character/other building.

I realise that adding in more stuff along these lines might seem like padding etc. or bog down the quick pace and urgency that the action has, but as I said, I felt like the settting was the hooky part and would have liked a little more of that, even just more people/building description... more of a concrete foundation for me to leap off into these characters and their actions.

I realise my contradiction, but I hope you understand what I mean. Or I can clarify if not :)
 
Thanks, Littlestar. My first drafts are always very patchy and I was surprised when this came in under crit length as I'd orignally thought the scene would be c. 3000 words, about twice what it is. So, in a roundabout way I'm saying yes, I see what you mean and agree. When I come back to it and know more about the story and people I think it will expand quite a lot. But it's good to know the world is working - I have a good feeling about it. Or I will do when I nail a first draft. :)
 
I think your start is patchy and confusing. It takes some time to understand that Anna is trying to escape and the why is still a bit of a mystery. Who are these Mages and what is this twenty thing going on? I accept this will be explained later, but as all this is closely related to the dramatic escape it left an unexplained motivation from the start. A little more world building information was needed for me.

To balance Crits out, I felt you were too heavily on dialogue. The dialogue was fine, I had no problem with the short sentence structure etc. and it expressed the characters well. My problem was lack of description of streets and the like. I couldn’t visualize the world your characters moved through. In general I felt description was light.

“She” and I also thought the word “the” were repeated too much. However I fully accept this is an early draft and I applaud you for posting an early version that gives us an insight into how you work up an idea. I expect a lot of these repeating words will disappear during editing.

The character came across very well and characterization has always been a strength of yours, but not enough background for me in this section. For an early draft, it's very good indeed. My 2c only, as ever. Well done on 10k posts.
 
As a reader, I thought it was catchy enough.

I don't know if there was a prolog or anything else at the begining, but I though a little info on the scene would have been helpfull Maybe just a paragraph to describe why they are locked in the mages quarter (or prison).

I was a little confused between Anna's mother and Yvette (I had to read a little further to figure out Yvette is not Anna's mother), at the Mattheus distraction point. The way it played out with Anna's mother following them to the cart and saying goodbye seemed to be broken up by this distraction. Consider her saying goodbye before they run for the cart (just my thoughts). I though the Matteus distraction was nice and helped with the setting, but the placement needed to be adjusted.

I though Blake needed a little more description. Was he her brother/boyfriend/relative? He seems to come in the seen and the mother helps Anna go with him. We know she's almost 17, but how old is he? It would seem as though the mother trusts her daughter with him.

Was the cart a "random" cart? or was it known it was going somewhere? It sounded like an open cart, so was the driver in on the escape or was he oblivious to the two climbing into the back (wouldn't you feel someone sneeking into the back of your pickup truck)?

I think some of the loose ends and details need to be ironed out a little and the choppyness should be smoothed in a few places, but overall a good start.

To summarrize what I read: Anna escaped the Mages quarters leaving her freinds and family behind as she made it to the miners quarters (for a job/work?). Open questions: Was Blake captured...
 
Thanks all. :) Avid, yes your summary was about right. So, yay!

Bowler, I might when I get this closer to what I want post up the first wee bit and show how it changes as it gets more filled out and polished. I thought it might be fun to remind ourselves where wips start and go to... :)
 
I love this and found it read so much better than the first version. There were some repetitions of words like 'her', but I know you will pick those up in your edits.

I think the first paragraph could be cut and maybe slotted in elsewhere because it didn't hook enough (only my opinion and I haven't read the other reviews to see if I am a lonely voice). I thought the action started in the second paragraph, but that could also be tightened up to draw us in more. You could even begin with the third paragraph: "Ready?" Blake asked as he emerged from the alleyway opposite, eyes darting everywhere....

Or something like that!

Edit: Knew I'd forgotten something - congratulations on your 10,000th post!
 
Congrats on your 10,000! :)

I got quite involved in the story, but not until a little way down. I wasn't sure what was going on, even when Yvette starts screaming, so I was a bit confused there. After that it all clicked, and I really got into it. And reading it again the beginning makes more sense, and fits better, but that's after reading through first. I hope that helps a bit.
 
Okay, lovely peeps. I can fit about 300 more into this thread before 'er honour tells me off for pushing the word limit. Naturally, being me, I don't want to go description heavy but does this set the scene a little better?





As usual, on the twentieth day the courtyard was busy, sacks of food and drums of water unloaded from the first of two carts, the returning mages from the other, helped down by their families and half-carried to the wooden houses surrounding the courtyard. Children ran between the houses, carrying errands - salve-soaked bandages and soup for strength.

"Selected mages, step forward!" The Council Guard's voice carried to Anna - with the courtyard's high walls bowled inwards at their peak, the storms of the Outland Plain never stirred the air.

Ten mages, tall and straight, selected as the strongest, joined the line of Council Guards in front of the dark metal gates, closed for now. A silence fell, born of the moment, of the knowing what lay ahead, of the uselessness of it all.

“It's time.” Anna’s mother touched her arm, making her jump, but she forced herself to calm. She couldn’t draw attention to herself. Not tonight.

Blake stepped into the courtyard from the street opposite, his smile wide as ever, his steps casual. His dark eyes, though, were quick, flitting from the guards, to the supply cart, to Anna. There was no way of reading him and his smile told her nothing about how he felt: if he was glad to get out before his first selection, if he was happy to be leaving with her, or angry at having his future decided for him. He could be scared witless but he'd never show it, not even to her, the closest friend he had.

“Ready?” he murmured, reaching her.

She nodded; as ready as she'd ever be. Her mother gave her shoulder an unbearably final squeeze and Anna had to pull away, or she never would. “Let’s go.” She took a step towards the cart.

A noise rose from the centre of the courtyard: Yvette, she of the high-pitched, practiced histrionics, flung herself at one of the ten: her son, Mattheus, tall, broad and not a little shaky on it.

“You can’t take him! He’s barely seventeen.”

Anna winced; only six months older than her and Blake and already eligible for service.
 
Excellent, going the right way is good! Yes, it is a doozy. It looks like my epic voice is knuckling its way in. :D actually, I really like this world. I'm just a bit terrified of another big project....
 
Hey Springs! First off...10,000 posts! arg...and you joined way after I did. Congrats though. I will hit that in another 20 years :p

I liked it, and agreed with a lot of what was said. I thought your revised scene worked really well.

Keep givin' er!
 
That's my girl, much better. Some first line issues, but first lines fall from the branches of trees like ripe fruit or have to be whittled down from the hard wood, chip by chip. Loads more depth and feel and the litmus test that counts, the read on test, has been easily achieved. Very good writing, still missing the special Springs individual touch that says I'm Springs - read it and weep. Some would say I'm cracking the whip here, but you're well up to the challenge in my view.
 
I thought it was much clearer this time and liked how you closed the open issues from the first draft. It's amazing what a subtle word here and there can do.
 
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