- Paydirt! Grade A Paydirt! This movie has everything: A truly bewildering masterpiece of crap which proves, if nothing else, that the Italians invented Mashup years before anyone else thought of it. Cue the post Queen's
Flash Gordon music:
Yor's world, he's the man!
Yor's world, he's the man!
Yor's world!Lost in the world of past
with the echo of ancient blast
There is a man from future, a man of mystery
Yor's world!
So, after we have recovered from the opening credits what happens? Or more to the point, what doesn't happen? Yor, (He's the man apparently) disappears from the screen for a few minutes and we spend a few blissful moments with a tribe of hippy cavemen who are tra la la happy in only the way that a tribe about to be brutally slaughtered to a man by the end of the reel can be. They go on a hunt and Argh! The front half of a flesh eating triceratops bursts out of the jungleywoods and attacks the pretty one in the leather bikini. She is doomed! but suddenly YOR!
Aaahhhh! The Hero of the Universe!
jumps out. Yor hit dinosaur with ax (I am tempted to make a joke about all Italian dinosaurs being called Dino here, but I won't) Yor leaps over Dino's prongs. Yor hit Dino again. Dino die. Yor exultant. Yor drink Dino blood. Yor hero to tribe. Big party. Girl in the bikini do the hoochie coochie dance because she suddenly has the hots for hero hunk man in bad wig. Suddenly! Purple painted Neanderthal cave men attack. Everyone except our hero, his newly acquired crumpet, and her elderly guardian are killed and all the women are captured.
Pausing only to possibly have implied off screen sex in an old tree they retire to a secret cave. But suddenly they are attacked by the Purple painted Neanderthal cave men again. Yor is thrown off a cliff and crumpet girl is carried away struggling to the usual implied fate worse than death.
Yor wakes up, pissed off to find himself at the bottom of a cliff, and climbs back up to meet the elderly guardian and together they go to the lair of the purple people eaters. They're just about given up working out how to sneak up on the bad guys when they are attacked by a 'Night Creature', a bloody big bat thing. Yor knocks it out of the sky with one arrow and ...
... this is so ****ing brilliant ...
... lifts the dead bat beast over his head and uses it as a hang glider!
Yor hang glides into the cave, drop kicks the head bad guy, and kills everything that moves. (Apart from bikini girl of course.) Yor pulls a rock out of a huge dam the purple people eaters have constructed inside their cave for some inexplicable reason and everyone Yor hasn't already killed with his ax dies. (Including presumably all the women he was supposedly there to rescue.)
Next morning they are the other side of the big mountain, in an arid desert, looking for a mysterious woman who wears a medallion exactly like Yor's ("Like mine?" "Yes, like yours Yor.") Yor goes on alone.
Suddely! Yor is attacked by stuntmen wearing rags and carrying pointy sticks - which are on fire! Yor is captured and taken before their queen who looks suspiciously like she goes to the same crappy wigmaker as he does and - Da Da Dahhhh! - has a medallion just like his.
"You are like me! Who are we where do we come?" from cries Yor. (I'm paraphrasing here.) "No idea." she says, "The people here say I fell from the sky and they found me next to this huge block of ice with these frozen bodies in it which too are wearing medallions just like us." (But not much.) "Don't stress about it though because you are about to be sacrificed." Yor objects to being sacrificed and kills everybody! And then the cave collapses for no apparent reason.
Everywhere this bugger goes things just self-destruct and hundreds of people die.
So now Yor has two women (he grabbed the queen on the way out of the collapsing cave). Yor Happy. (Actually Yor VERY happy). Girlies not so. Just when the cat fight (told you his movie has everything) is getting interesting they are SUDDENLY ATTACKED by the purple neaderthal guys who weren't as dead as we thought and Yor has to kill them all over again.
Yor and his friends reach the sea. And hear screams coming from a cave. They rush to the cave and find a Dinosaur which looks suspiciously like the Triceratops he killed earlier, but without the big pointy bits, attacking women and children. (Doesn't anything this man kills stay dead?) They kill the Dino (again) and much happiness ensues and, not really understanding that they are dooming themselves to an early and messy death, the village invite Yor to stay and have a party! (They also try to give him another woman, but he passes.) Oh, and by the way, something really weird happened round here recently. Something fell out of the sky and we killed the man who climbed out of it - and then it conveniently exploded so there is nothing to left to show you. (I love the lengths low budget movie makers sometimes have to go to to get out of actually showing you anything on screen.) Anyway, party party party la la la! happy happy Kaboom! Laser blasts explode the village and everyone dies! (For a bit.)
Yor and his companions set sail on the (dead) headman's boat to the mysterious island of which he (pre-dying) had told them.
After the inevitable storm and shipwreck. Yor is captured by black suited robots. (I don't think we are in Hyperborea any more, Toto.) Somehow we neatly segued from a really awful Conan rip off into a low rent post Star Wars SF movie, filmed in the same refinery they shoot every other low rent SF movie. There is a rebel underground trying to overthrow The Overlord who is bent on 'doing evil' and making the same mistakes 'the ancients' did. (Oh I get it! Were in the future that's why it's called Yor, the Hunter from the Future, oh yeah, I see - I can be so thick sometimes....) These mistakes presumably include breeding a Master Race of androids to replace the old models, which are pretty plodding and useless, and look, as one reviewer so wonderfully put it: 'like Darth Vader had ***ked Hello Kitty', using Yor's sperm and bikini girl's body. "After you inseminate the woman, you die!" Okay. Don't know about you but I think hearing that would pretty well squash my libido dead. So what's Evilon going to do now? "Aha! After I w*** you and do something with a turkey baster - you will die!"
So, after a lot of running around shooting colour coded laser blasts (Goodies - green, Baddies - red), and a couple of Action Man dolls serving as stunt doubles for some trapeze work (I kid you not), a particularly pointless Lady of Shanghai type hall of mirrors sequence which did nothing to advance the plot but did give the audience a chance to have a good look at the film crew from several angles, Yor blows up the whole ****ing island - and kills everybody!
It's incredible. Get within three feet of this guy and whole civilisations crumble to dust.
Yor and his pals fly off into the sunset to spread the word about not meddling with things man was not meant to meddle with (especially his thing) and a voice over wonders aloud if he will succeed. I guess they were hoping for a series or at least a sequel.
A good 10 out of 10 on the awfulometer for this one.
O-lan3
